We left Wyoming in good spirits with high hopes for warmer weather, 7 hours later we’d made it 175 miles to our dear friends home in Cheyenne. We bucked wind and a bit of snow to Wheatland and a highway alert of a closed I-25!!! We waited for a couple of hours …….and as luck would have it,our wait was rewarded…with a guy who could win a Darwin Award. While dozing at the gas station ,staring at the on ramp barriers because I had nothing else to do , along comes Darwin…..turns left off the overpass onto the on-ramp …..starring at his phone……..BAM!!! He drives right through the gate…..I could see the surprise on his face even from a 150 yards away …he was sooooo surprised that someone put a 2 x 6 right in his way!! While he was busy texting he apparently didn’t see the barrier OR the 18 wheeler that was riding his ass and ALSO texting…. the 18 wheeler just barely……barely stopped before ass packing Darwin. Darwin exited the pickup…kinda looked around to see if anyone saw him…like you do when you trip on a curb, or wiff a golf shot…..OF COURSE WE SAW YOU…..dumbass, the gas station parking lots are packed with people who have superhuman sight! Which allows them to see 3 foot bright orange square signs and cones and an orange 2×6….AND the superhero ability to not drive thru them.
Darwin waddles over to the 2 x 6 and deposits it in the ditch……like he was just driving by and I noticed this board in the road!!! I better move it before some unfortunate soul runs it over!!! He gets in his pickup and disappears down the on-ramp ….18 wheeler guy follows after a brief pause…..a pause I suspect was needed to clean his skivvies out after almost driving over the top of his brother Darwin Sr. Not sure how the conversation was going to go when the HP found them on the interstate….” how did you get out here? I ahhhh….drove? No no…how’d you get around the blockade? Ahhh what blockade??
Shortly there after a HP arrived and ” guarded” the fallen 2 x 6…. the HPs head was on a swivel…..as he fought back the urge to lightly place his hand on the butt of his service weapon …his eyes darted to and fro……in the hopes of spying the dastardly perpetrators….but alas…..the trail was ice cold. Much to the delight of our fellow travelers The Wydot Show started shortly after!! A Wyoming department of transportation one ton rolled up and stopped with chirp! The four doors flew open and vest wearing state workers spilled out like a Shriner parade, the five guys stared at the board in the ditch…..I imagined them uttering a few words of reverence in hushed tones over their fallen comrade ……..or maybe they just said ” shit,we gotta fix it now”.Just then two more trucks rolled up with a vibe of a swat team arriving at the location of the ” situation “…..more bodies rolled out the doors with the precision of a synchronized swim team and milled about scanning the horizon like they were seal team 6 . After a few minutes…once the group was convinced that the vermin scum …most likely from Denver was no longer a threat to any more 2 x 6’s….they set about to the work at hand. Two of the 12 workers tried replacing the 2 x 6…. as in they held it up where it was snapped off…..what the hell did they think was going to happen……..the wood fibers would start regenerating like Jean- Luc Picard being moved from here to there in Star Trek? After a few seconds they came to the conclusion that bailing wire, gorilla glue and duck tape was not the way to go. Suddenly….ok maybe not suddenly…..two of the guys who had been standing around sipping coffee, while trying to appear to be needed for something other than being a placeholder for the state payroll department…..begrudgingly retrieved a NEW 2 x 6 from one of the 3 $60,000 one ton crew cabs. Now we are down to only 8 of the unnecessary labor either shooting the breeze with the HP or trying to blend into the background of snow and sage……I was impressed as a few almost pulled it off…..like they were doing that” freeze” game from the Internet a few years ago….looking like Lot’s wife in a yellow reflective vest is an art.Eventually most everyone hovered over the two guys installing….what?……4-6 bolts? I can only assume they were there for moral support…….” come on Larry…stab that bolt…..stab that bolt….come on Shannon install that flat washer….install the lock washer…….holy shit Shannon! You can do it! Install the lock nut!! WAY TO GO CREW! CRAP! We’re late for coffee break! And then like a apparition, they were gone………..not really…….they screwed the pooch for 20 minutes,milking the clock for all it was worth…..I guess it takes that long to put away a 1/2 ratcheting an end wrench.
After the show we headed back towards Casper and the Torrington turn off and a roundabout way to Cheyenne, not the greatest start to our GRAND ADVENTURE.
Thrusting thru the snow and wind we made Colorado and just into New Mexico
After:
The Raton pass was most impressive, and our friends Steve and Bridgett had warned us it was steep …….holy crap!…… steep my ass….a staircase is steep…..this is a frickin ladder!…..I was no longer gloating about the $10,000 I saved buying a gasser instead of a diesel……..the Ford F -250 stayed on task….if not just a bit noisily. I think the truck had confidence…..I on the other hand periodically checked the rear view mirrors for…..you know………transmissions that may have exploded and fallen off….only to be run over by the brand new fifth wheel…..I had visions of our beloved kitchen island , impaled with a Ford driveline, complete with pumpkin dragging under the 5 er, a light show of sparks trailing behind us and eventually igniting the propane tanks……My little visions appear.. like in the movie Final Destination ( one of my favorites for its cheesiness, crappy acting and writing ) perhaps my Catholic upbringing leads me to assume devastation is at the end of every bend and I should feel guilty about it. I was snapped from my propane explosion Vision by road debris…a little jerk of the wheel expertly kept the Fords tires from harm……as I silently congratulated myself on my stellar driving skills the 5 er did a little jig…….sorta kinda like that River Dance……..I now wondered what part of the undercarriage would ” fall off” either at a later date or now as the 47 cars and trucks behind us cursed my 51 mph accent in the 70 mph zone.
We stayed with our friends Paul and Mary in Santa Fe…….well in their driveway…..after I backed over their solar lights that at one time shone brightly, the boundary of the driveway. After crushing the left row I determined I needed to be more to the right……that spelled the end for that row. I propped the tops back on…..sorta……I’m sure they will be fine. We had a wonderful time with these fine folks and we hope to visit again ….if we are ever invited back. Backing up a fifth wheel is tough.
We made our way to Lubbock Texas next and were greeted with 10″ of snow
, a flooded KOA office and some owners that win the award for most ” positive attitude ” the campground was in various states of deep snow , 5″ of water and some thick ice. After Miss positive attitude checked me in and apologized for the conditions I careened thru the slop 200 feet to our pull thru. The nice lady sized me up as a cherry and gave me the spot straight ahead from where I parked in front of the office in an effort to minimize my chance of becoming high centered on a picnic table…….what a kind woman. As Karen and I scrambled to find warm clothing, gloves and winter hats we silently wondered why we came south in search of warmth. Casper was 42 and sunny, it was 12 degrees when we awoke to find our sitter hose encased in an ice block like some reptilian creature from the wooly mammoth period.WTF…….the RV salesman never went over ” here’s what you do when all your shit, tires included are frozen rock solid to the earth”. We awaited the warmth of 10 am before fording the river that had been a road…and then a frozen tundra…and now 36″ of water…….alright maybe not that deep but……there was a lot of water. I was elated to find some dongfaced ass parked his pickup right on the hairpin corner of the park……now someone who had been pulling fifth wheels for awhile….like more than 10 total hours…would not be FLIPPING OUT!! BUT I WAS. Karen expertly coached me thru the bend and my psychotic episode, but this didn’t set the right mood for the beginning of the day. We were elated to discover that the ice had not completely melted from the Highway……….SCORE!!
Did I mention it also rains in Texas?
We made it to Spicewood Texas and more good friends …..the ones who said Raton pass was a hill…….bastards. We left the 5er at a lot near Marble Falls and enjoyed Steve’s parents Lake Travis home…..what a view! Unfortunately the weather continued to SUCK. We made the best of it by eating our body weight in bbq, drinking too much……well I drank too much….the rest of the crew is closer to normal human beings. We also attempted to use the new blow up kayak…..this resulted in me being covered in water, Karen wondering ( not so silently) if I had ever been in a watercraft and the aforementioned watercraft going in circles. It’s a little disappointing to realize you are inept at something as seemingly simple as paddling a canoe,while not neurosurgery,it is tougher than it looks….well….it is. We also went golfing….well Steve and Bridget golfed, Karen rode along and I hit every tree that shouldn’t have been in play and a couple of houses. In an effort to fool the weather, I wore shorts…..and froze my ass off. Karen went back to the truck and got a blanket! Bridget looked at me like I had the IQ of a welder, Steve said we should get beer. It is hard to focus on which roof you just sliced into when your knees are knocking and your nipples are trying to escape your chest……but I found 3 of the 9 balls I thought were lost. Trying to acting like 50 degrees is warm because your from Wyoming is futile in the Texas humidity , 50 in Texas is pool playing weather not golf weather……took me three rounds and two dozen golf balls to have that realization…….I’m a slow learner at best and an idiot at worst. We did other stuff…but I don’t remember what
We headed towards Lake Conroe and a storage lot on Tree Monkey road….what a cool name Tree Monkey road…..who named that? Three guys sitting on a beer cooler ? So far as I know Texas ain’t got monkeys but who knows maybe Davey Jones was from Texas. I almost forgot ….on our way over to Conroe , on I-10 I think….through construction that left the two lane road resembling a Costa Rican 1 & 3/4 lane road we met a species common to all states…the ” mouth breather” as Eleven would say from Stranger Things. While traveling through the serpentine goat trail of a road,complete with speed limits that go from 20 mph to 70 in the space of 100 feet we encountered said mouth breather. The guy started riding my bumper at almost the start of the construction rodeo, having to travel at + or – 2 mph of the posted limits apparently sent Bubba over the edge. After a flagger waved us down to the posted 20 mph signage I envisioned Bubba sending spittle into the windshield as he questioned my sexual preference in barnyard animals. A half mile later we were rewarded with Bubba swerving into the oncoming lane at a stoplight and screeching alongside us in his 1994 Dodge, it was hard to fully comprehend what was going on as Bubba’s Rottweiler ,who’d I guess was not named scruffy…did the best Cujo impersonation since Cujo. The dog looked like he was coming through the half down window..spit flying,teeth clacking the glass…and then I snapped to as Bubba suggested I learn how to drive ” that damn rig”!…. Karen and I simultaneously burst out laughing ……Bubba was unimpressed as he chirped his tires and sped through the red light and the fortunately empty intersection . I’m always impressed that our world contains characters that, well, seem to be characters out of a movie…so stereotypical that it defies logic……that your brain can’t seem to process it….” that is so silly it can’t be real? Or is it”? The great people of Texas far out number the Bubba’s of every state, but no road trip story is complete without an interaction or two with the mouth breather population.
stay tuned and enjoy the trip!!
Round the bend 