Four Hours In Utopia Texas

We made our way to Garner State Park …..a deserted Garner SP….we can only assume that a lack of cell and internet service has scared off all the winter Texans….well the ones who were smart enough to figure that out before paying for 3 days. It’s a nice area right on the Frio river that gets LOTS of tuber traffic in summer and long weekends. The river had been at least 8′ higher at one time recently as evidenced by the debris in the tree branches. The trash was a bit of a bummer but I would guess once the river recedes to a normal level the park service or some one picks up all the “stuff”.

Putting on my anthropology hat and making a mental catalog of the trash field I ascertained that tubing requires you to disrobe . There were a disproportionate amount of male “whitey tighties ” I can only assume the males drink most of the 753,437 bud light cans scattered along the high water mark thus giving them the misguided notion that they are more attractive naked. I did discover one set of panties that were very impressive in………….size………the amount of material to make said panties…..while not really rivaling a US flag at Perkins …………..was still substantial. I found a large empty Jaegermeister bottle near by so perhaps the gal who was “All About The Bass” drank that jug .

The river was really very pretty….it is just amazing how much trash we make…..but let’s talk about Utopia Texas! We did a road trip into Utopia in search of much needed supplies…….Fritos and Doritos ! Hey I’m retired…..gotta live a little.

While in the General store which had everything from chicken breasts to lugs nuts and everything in between.…..the nice gals hooked me up with a sticker for my beer cooler! Shannon asked for one as well and the gals promised to mail one to her! ****The gal who was in charge of the “stickers” was in Mount Pilot for the day ,but as soon as she got back…I was delighted to see how proud the gals were of their town and how happy they were that we thought it was cool too…and wanted a remembrance……in this case a sticker for a beer cooler…but what the hell.

Map quest found us the golf course too!

Seems strange that a town of 373 needs a golf course but hey. We went in the club house and visited with the nice fellow who explained that Robert Duvall stared in a movie in 2010 there called 7 Days In Utopia……not sure what came first the course or the movie. The stone clubhouse was beautiful and perhaps a bit over done compared to what I could see of the golf course and driving range but it is winter after all and cool weather and occasional sleet/snow happens in Texas and golf greens don’t like that shit.

The misting rain had driven one guy indoors to the very comfortable seating/tv area, he explained that he’d forfeited his $18 dollars to his cronies who where still out braving the elements. It was charming the pride these two guys had in the course and the town as they explained the movie and the bit of a real estate boom that was impacting the town as well heeled San Antonio ins ( not sure how you spell San Antonio ins….but I’m betting that ain’t it) bought up chunks of ranch land in the hopes of escaping the brew ha of city life….little do they know that they’ll change Utopia and lose a bit of if not all of the reasons that they wanted to be here in the first place.

We promised to return for 9 or 18 tomorrow if the weather improved…..hell I wanted to come back if it was snowing! I don’t understand why I love to golf so much……I mean I’m absolutely HORRIBLE …wonder how much more I’d like it if I was mediocre?

I licked my chops as Larry worried aloud about not having played for 12 years, how would his titanium shoulder do?, worrying about his arthritis ? his replacement knee?? After listening to him snivel for 15 minutes I wasn’t sure if we were going golfing or I was taking him to the Vet to have him put down……what a Debby Downer!!!

Larry regained my admiration was he strode up to the truck with a 6 pack cooler and announced ” I only have 6 in here,you gonna bring some?” I love this guy! We arrived at the course and after some major trigonometry involving senior discounts, local discounts, and did we have the “home run card” from Druckers General Store? If so we were entitled to another 87% off……”no I don’t have that”….I handed him my CC and envisioned the transaction at Minut Man 10 minute oil in Rockport where I got SCREWED..…..did I mention I hate Minut Man in Rockport ?

Not to worry….the charge for 9 holes with a cart was very reasonable and if we decided to play 9 more at the turn…it’s only $5 each!,! Score!

We hid behind the truck and tried loading the 64 qt Yeti that my friends Brent,Jeremy and Alan gave me for finally retiring and getting the hell out of their way…………anyway…we abandoned this plan when we noticed the front tires were no longer making contact with planet earth. The six pack cooler with 14 beers would have to suffice.

Larry hobbled up to the tee box like Kirk Gibson pinch hitting in the 1988 World Series,my knee,my shoulder,my arthritis…..blah..blah” he had me looking for a Jack Kevorkien he was complaining so bad. Bastard takes a 3 wood and a 5/8 swing and hits it 220 yards straight as a string…………..sandbagger!!!! Larry struts back to the cart like this:::

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I hate Larry….who is he?……Steve Austin?

In West Texas…..there ain’t many trees….I hit three of them on my tee shot……Larry found my ball at 180 yards ” it musta hit that tree at 250 and bounced back” …..right Larry. Nothing worse than you bro making up excuses for your shitty game…even if his heart is in the right place.

Larry and I were neck and neck until the last hole………I’m up by one stroke!!,Larry struck a straight but short drive! Here was my opening! I’m 8 years younger!!! Wait……….I rode life ……REALLY HARD …. those first 35 years…..so maybe that makes us even…… he has a phony knee!!,….and shoulder!!!…….I have fake hips…….damnit!!!! I guess we are even

Which begs the question…….why are two fossils like us even trying to play any sport more physically demanding than dominos????? We belong in a city park wearing cardigan sweaters ,feeding the pigeons,silently wondering how we ended up near the end.

But by god! We were knee deep in a sporting SPECTACLE!!! or was it a debacle?….potato……paatato……..

I SHANKED IT ……..out of bounds…..what a loser…….I duffed it …….what felt like 14 times to the green and putted out………at which point Larry starts babbling some math equation that could have explained the whole time space continuum but instead computes to us being tied…………….what a kind man……and a finer friend……..it’s times like this that you are required to gracefully and cheerfully accept this steaming pile of bs ……because your friend was kind enough to be full of shit …………………………………….

…….just for you

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Larry ever so kindly demonstrates what I was doing wrong:

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Visit Utopia Texas and the kind folks that live there!!**** the fine ladies from the store called the next day and said….” it’s in the mail”