Oh Canada!

“Come to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs” I should have been concerned when Pat (AKA Dunk) started his pitch for a fishing adventure quoting John Mc Clane

I was praying Hans Gruber was not our guide!you miss a fish…and…….Hans takes your ass out!!

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My good buddy , then “guilted” me into another fishing trip to Ontario…..” you’re

not getting any younger McGoweee**** “people your age drop dead all the time”

thanks Pat

After Pat spun a tale about how cheap this was gonna be….”its so cheap it would be a crime to not go”after the $42 lunch in the Denver airport and the $117 dinner at the Kenora Brewery I was starting to wonder if Pat might have misrepresented the monetary outlay required for this “It’s a trip of a lifetime McGoweee”!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For reasons unknown to me , Pat really struggles with math on these trips…….seems strange to me that a CFO would have trouble tallying up even a ballpark budget….in Pat’s defense I incurred some self inflicted expenses….like the $17 Bloody Mary……..”hey I’m on vacation “!

Then there is the $30 biography on Eric Clapton ………”I’ll read on the porch”…….I didn’t read at all on the porch…..never even took the book out of the backpack…….It’s still in my back pack

The $60 of chocolates I bought in the Denver airport…….the thought was these would be for the owner ,Kayla a wonderful young woman……..who doesn’t really need or want chocolate……because Pat and I needed it more!!

We stayed up and scarfed them all down the first night, well except for the ones Pat took a bite out of and then returned them to the box like an 8 year old……being liquored up on vanilla Crown Royal……..makes for poor dietary decisions…….well any kind of decisions……now that I think about it

Pat and I enjoyed our 4th trip to this lodge in the Great White North as the fishing is remarkable, cabins well appointed, food is 4 star and the staff fantastic.

I always enjoy meeting the other folks/ guests…… Maryjo and LeRoy from Bar harbor Maine for example….they expertly navigated the stairs/ladder on the floatplane (unlike me)…..looking like fifty year olds with their own joints….not the 77 year olds they are . Maryjo and LeRoy walked the dock arm in arm like I imagine they did 20 some years ago on their first trip to Maynard Lake Lodge!

Also arriving was a guy who called himself Cutty ….not sure what his story was…….well I take that back……I do know his story……Cutty likes to recount his multiple knee replacement surgeries……a lot…….like EVERY time you saw him…..the first day on the dock……that evening at dinner…..the next morning on the dock!!

It was like, he forgot he told you the stories…….”l’m in a class action law suit over these titanium replacement knees…………it snapped in half!!!!! I’m walking along and BOOM! Like a gun going off!! And I hit the ground just like that!!”…..in Cutty’s defense his story never changed……of course if you recite your lines 3-400 times and I guess you get it down pat. In Cuttys defense most of the guest are older……and surgery is a popular subject…..I’m guilty!!! And meeting all the other guest is always…interesting .

Dunk and I had our own problems with story telling as we recounted the 230 bass we caught at aptly named Bass lake LAST year……we basked in the glow of our celebrity as the first year guides hunted us down as we sashayed up the ramp like movie stars on Entertainment Tonight …….all the new guides wanted to confirm that the legend was true……yes……..we did catch 230 bass in one day! We did not, however, recount the part where Dunk caught 120 of the fish , I caught 10 and our guide “Big Log Larry” caught 100…………just a pesky detail that the masses need not be privy to.

This year started a bit slow until Dunk exclaimed ” I got a big one McGoweeeeeeee!!!

After Dunk announced to all the boats within 700 yards” He’s in my backing!!” Larry and I did the required eye roll to each other……..Larry and I had seen this show before with none other than Dunk in the starring role“Pat remarked ” well he had a lot of heart” as he reeled the 7″ fish across the surface of the lake….

Shortly after the mood was much improved after Pat landed a true big’nwe headed for better water with guide Larry …..well……..guiding it promptly produced a “double” …….this is when both fisherman hookup at the same time

Larry expertly snapped a photo….complete with an angle that makes me look fat! This will be reflected in the tip!……

Pat and I were embarrassed to realize that we did not have fish on….but rather rocks….but at least they were large rocks……..Larry then expertly got our double snag undone…..it sorta felt like a fish……………..well it did!!

Each night after a glorious dinner, cocktails and endless embellished fish tales we retired to the deck and the glass like lake…….unfortunately we were joined by some foul skunk…….or perhaps two……maybe this was mating season…..I don’t recall this stench from last year…….but we are in the Great White North

On the third morning I complained to Dunk that I awoke with that same fog again! Dunk admitted to a similar almost hangover like feeling/fog……I did the math……and our old asses where in bed by 8:30 – 9 o’clock every night……no way this was a hangover…………………so I mulled it over all that next day ………and deducted that the skunks were not skunks………..someone was smokin the newly legalized WEED !!!

That evening I snuck up on Maryjo and LeRoy’s deck after vittles………..Maryjo was puffing away at a “fatty” the size of a Marlboro!! Maryjo is like 70-80 years old!!

LeRoy was near comatose in the deck chair muttering over and over “weed” and then giggling ……..he’d hold his hands over his head….like he had a neon sign over his head flashing the word weed………….Weed,giggle,weed,giggle, giggle.Over and over he mumbled Maybe they were smoking LSD……..I don’t think you can smoke LSD…….I’ll have to google that……….anyway these two were on a “trip that never left the farm”!!!

Then Maryjo saw me peering under the handrail………” hey you want some ?? ” I wasn’t sure if she was hitting on me or askin if I wanted a toke……but it frightened me…..a lot…I ran stumbling through the timber like some chick in a slasher movie….tripping on roots…bouncing off trees……turning in terror to see if Maryjo was on my heels!!!!….to my relief I could hear Maryjo propositioning LeRoy!! WEED was all he said in reply…….and giggled…..Weed heeeeheeeeeheee

Once safely inside the cabin, I ate all my “old people medication “and guzzled some Metamucil…….and Retired for the night……with thoughts of big bass and giant walleye trying in earnest to block out images of Maryjo…..AHHHHHHHHHHH!**

* not sure why Duncan calls me McGoweeeee

** not a real picture of Maryjo

Special thanks to the owners and staff of Maynard Lake Lodge for a wonderful trip and hopefully their understanding that I sometimes take artistic license with reality…..err…actual events……..in other words I make shit up.