Hooks ,Slices and Duffs

Being here in the land of “thank god Im not freezing my ass off” AKA Arizona has me trying to improve my horrid golf game…….success has been similar to entering Walmart hoping to see folks from this planet, suffice to say I still suck..

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.I’ve played a little course down the road called Bear Creek……mainly because its cheap and so am I. I mean why pay $60-$100 to lose crappy golf balls? I can embarrass myself for $35 -$45 and lose half as many balls!!! AND my father in-law loves the place …………….Id offer he loves it because of all the 20 something bartenders that apparently borrowed their little sisters skirts………extremely little sisters. This may explain all the ambulances flying up and down the road complete with sirens wailing at all hours…..

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.I suspect …they are on code 3 for some old fossil that stared at the bartender Monique and her “half-skirt ” for too long and that coupled with two packs of Chesterfields and 6 scotch and waters a day for 45 years….well……………it was just too much. Or he just died of old age, how the hell would I know…I cant find my golf ball half the time let alone speculate on the medical influence a tiny skirt has on old wrinkled golfers……enough talk about that….my wife reads this drivel.

My BIL Jim and I met my pals Greg ( guess he cant be that big a pal…not sure if its one G or two….hey we are guys and really don’t get too worked up about that stuff…………I think) and Dennnis from Casper….ANYWAY…we met them at a course 30 minutes south of us ….they drove an hour and 20 minutes !!! So I think we were ahead before the first tee! Anyway we were having a grand time until the 13th tee when Gregggg casually mentioned the new houses lining the fairway down the left side…..these casual utterances are ANYTHING BUT!!!!!! They are designed to get in your head!……which in my case is fairly easy as I have an Abby-normal amount of “extra” room inside my cranial cavity……….I detected a fair amount of malice in Greggggs tone….perhaps in retribution for my comment on #12 tee , as Greggg addressed his drive…”say guys is the that the I-10 freeway on the other side of that giant Trump-like wall on the left?”Greggg sneered over his shoulder at me.

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a look of ……..really….you just played that card? You are an ass!

Seconds later all four of our gazes tracked the arc of the ball as it hooked violently left….towards I-10 …..high in the cloudless arizona sky….a mammoth drive….our brains processing the data …as one…..in a millisecond …..ahhh. Shit someone muttered…the birds had stopped singing, the distant leaf blower ….the bang bang bang of a construction workers nail gun no longer heard by brains that were blocking all distractions ….we semi crouched as one in anticipation of the violent highway crash to come at any second!!!! Im sure our brains all envisioned the tragedy….a golf ball striking the windshield of an 18 wheeler hauling…..hopefully congress……I mean some poor soul. Fortunately we heard no crash as the crushed drive was apparently soooo expertly miss hit that it cleared the highway AND the target line by 300 yards! Greggg hurriedly whacked another ball right down the middle as I fantasized about some clown in a leased Volvo convertible getting his silly ass man bun scalped off his bearded noggin by a golf ball on I-10………having dreams is important.

Anyway…turnabout is fair play as they say…….after Greggg’s comment …..as I addressed the ball on #13 the houses on the left seemed to grow! Inflate! Like giant bouncy houses at a children’s birthday party! They crept into my line of sight…until they obstructed the fairway…..”this is not real my brain screamed……pay no attention”…like any weekend duffer……I don’t possess the skill to consistently strike the ball straight let alone have the mental wherewithal to block out all the crap that invades your head on a golf course….suffice to say…I yanked the tiny dimpled sphere right into some poor (or perhaps rich) bastards roof….as always happens in these situations…the drive was crushed…..with a low trajectory …..all the better to shatter the roof tiles as the ball grooves a 10′ long ditch on the once pristine structure. Anyone who has done this can relate…..you are terrified to drive forward….anticipating an angry homeowner…demanding restitution and screaming ” why did you hit my ROOF!!!!!” …..”uhh because I suck??

BIL Jim snaked the cart forward as we noticed a homeowner behind some vegetation just short of what we deduced to be the point of impact………approaching this area is similar I suspect to approaching the DMZ…..the situation can go bad OR a short benign stare down can ensue ………Jim and I looked EVERYWHERE but in the direction of the homeowner….my multiple experiences with these situations told me that “Harry homeowner” would dictate the course of any conversation………we crossed our version of the 38th parallel without incident….trying to contain my glee that no insurance information would be exchanged today…….I spied my ball just off the fairway 80 yards from the pin!!!!!! Lucky bounce off the roof!!!

I expertly duff my 2,3 and fourth shots to the green and 3 putted for a 7….not bad for a par 5!!!

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‘ Brave men and women past and present who unselfishly protect us at the 38th parallel and all across the world I mean no disrespect but have the utmost admiration for your dedication.