My great buddy Pat set up a golf outing at a near by executive course……for you non golfers an executive course is shorter than a “normal” par 72 championship course and is typically a par 62….so there are a lot of par 3’s on an executive course…… my wife the non golfer would say……”oh,that should make it much easier”……..not really
By some sick and twisted whim of the cosmic forces of our world…….par threes are actually harder for recreational HACKERS like me…….the object of a par 3 is to strike the ball ( hopefully correctly) with the correct club and have it gently settle on the green (AKA the putting surfaces) then you have two “ Putts” to get the dimpled sphere of frustration into the hole for a PAR 3!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds simple enough??
But balls, and clubs and even my swing have a mind of their own. They veer off……… down the paths of Hades…… for extended stays there and intermittently return for very brief moments of golfer bliss…..this of course is just a big tease…..like Mary Jo in the balcony of the theater in 1973….what a bunch of crap!!!!
We were 11 forgettable holes into the round and Pat had just put a perfect shot within 4’ of the cup…how could I follow THAT!!!! And then the planets aligned…….As I address my ball on the 12th tee……. A short par 3 of 107 yards…..I notice I had a 7 iron in my hand…….this was definitely NOT the correct club for me for a 107 yard shot……….I should have grabbed the A wedge….which , with its A right on the top of the club looks NOTHING like a 7….this is a common mistake that is easily corrected…..if you are not a moron like me………my internal conversation went something like…” I’ll just swing easier and I’ll tee it up higher, that will negate the fact that its 4 clubs too strong for a 107 yards shot”. This is like saying I’ll just lead the deer a bit more with a 40 MM cannon…….it ain’t gonna work. My mind raced with “ I ain’t walking all the way back to the cart! It’s almost 7 YARDS AWAY!!!!!!
I took a semi discombobulated swing…that resulted it me striking the dimpled sphere of torture ……..high on the “heel”which for you non golfers….is basically the “handle” or shaft of the golf club…….this would be the equivalent of trying to pound a nail in with a hammer and hitting the nail with the handle………the level of incompetence at an almost savant level…………unimaginable in its “badness”
My only thought as I saw the ball take off was at least it wasn’t as bad as Pats swing on # 10
My ball took a trajectory that made the four of us whip our heads dead left………someone let out a low throaty “ahhh” as time slowed …..then someone finished the thought with “shhhhiiiittttt”
The ball was now traveling at the speed of light……….I silently hoped time travel was possible….so I could be transported the hell outta here……..as my ball impacted the adjacent tee box marker with a rifle shot / bullwhip like CCCRRACK ….
we turned in unison…. slow motion like……. towards the lead golf cart…….someone muttered fffudgge
Our ear canal was greeted with the sound of me losing money…the sound of the cart windshield shattering!!!!!!
The shards of plastic glistening in the beautiful sunshine, making rainbowy colors as they tumbled against a bright blue sky….falling harmlessly to the path as the orb of destruction seemed to gain speed as it continued forward toward the warm asphalt ….bouncing….bouncing…..someone muttered “it’s gonna make the green!!!!” Across the freshly manicured apron of the fairway….bouncing….bouncing…then rolling up on the green…towards the hole! This time someone SCREAMED “What the F*CK!!!!!” As it dribbled into the cup!!!!!!!!!
The foursome jumped as one…….a glee like no other…….a hole in one is rare……..I think Tiger only has 3 in PGA events…..and he doesn’t drink near as much as me……at least I don’t think he does
I was mobbed by the guys ….and the three consecutive 8’s that I took on the last three hole were forgotten…..golf is a funny game…..most of the time its about as funny as a car wreck….it pisses ya off
But then you get a good bounce or actually hit a shot correctly…..and…you are like “hey this shit is easy”
The most misguided rule in sports is that the golfer that gets the hole in one….has to buy everybody a drink……what a bunch of crap!!!!
As the shouting subsides I do a mental math calculation…….”there is only four of us and Pat doesn’t drink booze……this will be cheap!! Just then I heard Pat on the phone…………”He got a hole in one!!!!!!! Come down and have a drink!!!”
We roll up to the clubhouse and the Bar
I shout to Pat “Who are ALL these people?”…..”Well maybe I shouldn’t have posted it on snapgram “ was his reply
The folks I did recognize as fellow golfers and residents of Moon Pond were so very congratulatory and truly happy for my lucky feat…..and even the homeless people that had been bussed down from Sun City West were happy……people love to see others succeed …even if it cost a new windshield and a 401K withdrawal
Special thanks to Pat,Bud and Brandt for sharing a great moment with me….sorry you had to watch the other 97 swings …and to all my brothers on the D.D. who were kind enough to come help me celebrate!!!
Round the bend 