ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!

My best friend and wife arranged a road trip to Mexico for our 20th anniversary………after I screwed up the reservations and cost us $750 on a forfeited deposit due to poor flight availability ……but thats an entirely different story that I wont bore you with here…..instead I’ll bore you with some other incoherent babbling about nonsensical situations that transpired in varying degrees of truthfulness.

A trip to Mexico used to be pretty easy……….now a trip to the bathroom is complicated enough to make even old guys plan it out……”where is your mask….stay six feet apart, …you need a mask………please put on a mask” AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our trip to Puerto Vallarta was a multi purpose trip…….my purpose was to drink heavily …..eat poorly……get a sunburn….behave irresponsibly ……….go on a $200 boat ride disguised as a fishing trip…drink heavily…………you get the idea. Karen had a bad tooth that we agreed to have a root canal done on in PV……and I felt that this was plenty for her to concentrate on…..because I was gonna be busy being irresponsible.

The cost in the U.S. for the root canal and crown was roughly the cost of a newer home on the golf course here in Moon Pond Az. In Puerto Vallarta Karen was quoted a price that rivaled the cost of a large Yeti cooler!!!!!!! Score!!!

I don’t know about you…but EVERY TIME I try and save a buck….it turns out like when you show up to pick up your high school date drunk and fall into the Christmas tree while her mom is trying to capture the Kodak moment of two teenagers in love….and of course this attempt at cost control turned out just as well….

Karens tooth had a slight infection that once disturbed by the dentist grew exponentially not unlike our recent cootie epidemic……Now I’m not sure how many of you have experienced the discomfort of an infected tooth but it sucks….I would liken it to the pain you get from hitting your thumb with a hammer…or smashing you pinky toe on the nightstand in the dark of night………only the pain is constant 24/7….it doesn’t dissipate after 17 curse words screamed at the top of your lungs….it hangs around like poison ivy or a “date” that you found at closing time when your vision was severely impacted by the consumption of massive amounts of hard liquor !

Karen was a great sport after the first 3 hour long appointment to the dentist………while waiting near the office ,Karen’s brother Jim ,his wife Judy and myself showed our solidarity to Karen’s plight by drinking at a nearby bar for 2 hours and 53 minutes…….

You have to be there for the ones you love you know.

Unimpressed by our glow ,Karen put on a brave face and tolerated our apparent disregard for the situation. In an effort to cheer Karen up I suggested we go somewhere and have a drink……and maybe some chips and salsa!!

I felt so bad for Karen as the swelling in her cheek increased each day and with it , her level of discomfort……But Karen was a trooper….joining in with trips to the beach and lounging poolside…..We also ate out a lot….even though our Condo had a full kitchen…..Karen defaulting to cheese burritos and avoiding anything like Tortilla chips with their razor like edges just waiting to impale ultra sensitive gums.

As the swelling continued,I could tell Karen was very subconscious about it and despite our reassurances of her continued beauty…..It was apparent by Karens new habit of placing her hand to her face for every photo that it really bothered her.

I tried to assure Karen that she looked nothing like

Or like

When I looked at Karen ,I saw

And this

After days of at home antibiotic injections, gallons of Rum and OJ Karen stabilized enough to enjoy the rest of the trip……..or at least Judy ,Jim and I pretended Karen was OK.

We had exciting adventures ……

Like walking down the stairs of death towards the beach!!! Muscle memory is a funny thing….you spend 50-60 years walking steps with a standardized ~~7.5 stair riser and you get to where you can safely navigate stairs shitfaced drunk…..then you go to Mexico where stair cases are constructed by ….people on acid(LSD)….drunk people…….people who hear voices….or lord knows what……The stair vary in hight from a toe catching 11/32 of an inch to 22 inches….think about that…….normal is about ~~7.5 inches….then you have someone…..like me say……who ingests a Bloody Mary, 11 beers,

3 screwdrivers

4 Tequila sunrises and 17 rum and cokes

while baking in the sun for 7 hours….and THEN has to navigate these in an effort to just make it to the bed…..in…the correct CONDO…and bedroom!!!!!!!! Stay away from stairs of death!!!!

Then we had a $200 boat ride …….resulting in 1 FISH!!!!!

I’d guess the cost of the one fish when including beer ,tip and lunch to be around $297 per pound!!!!……I could get a job in D.C. making these kinda of financial decisions!!!!!

Karen was a fantastic patient ….and didn’t complain one bit the whole trip

I will tell travelers that Puerto Vallarta is a absolutely wonderful town chalked full of friendly helpful locals and very happy tourist ,it does however have some very unique fashion choices for sale

Road trips are great…..just maybe not a good idea to couple them with dental work or expanding your day to day wardrobe.

Get out there an beat the cootie virus back into whatever hole it crawled out of…….but watch your steps!

My wife and editor didn’t have chance to review this…….Sooo……I cant be held responsible