Pat and I awoke at 5 am……wellll…I awoke and showered,Pat slept and begged for 2 more minutes “just two more minutes”… like a teenager who can not fathom rising before brunch is served. This has been our M.O. for 40+ years on these annual fishing trips…I rise with the sun and can’t stay up past 9 pm and…..Pat is not a morning person EVER!
Pat eventually jumped…..crawled outta bed…..and we happily loaded gear bags in the car all the while clutching the room key in a vice like grip. We had a brighter attitude after 3 solid hours of sleep
and were ripe with anticipation for our floatplane ride into walleye and small mouth bass rapture!!
We were happily unaware of the low sky and persistent drizzle as we made our way to Tim Hortons , a wonderful coffee ,donut shop…loved by all Canadians and visitors as well!
The rain seemed to pick up?
“Those windshield wipers
slapping out a tempo
Keepin time with the song on the radio.”*
We rolled into the Tim Horton drive thru only to discover that the Delta customer service agent that Karen schooled way back at the beginning of this trip was working there as well!! The Charlie Brown like voice came from the tinny sounding speaker in an inaudible and unintelligible cascade of sounds with a cadence meant to imitate the kings English
Pat ordered some sort of latte jimmy-juinka- frap-a something or another with 1/3 half and half……..WTF! I thought we were ordering coffee?.?? I could tell by the accent and confusion by the drive up person that they were new and they were not native Canadian so in an effort to assure my order was correct,I ordered a small black coffee . After Pat repeated the order 3 times and the drive up person responded with some kinda Klingon dialect……Pat just responded yes at every pause. Being old and extremely deaf, I had no clue what the drive up gal was asking….but there was one thing I was certain of…….our order would be FUBAR.
As we watched, the car in front of us at the window was in some kinda heated exchange! Just then a large Tim Horton double double came flying out the drive up all over the driver and car!
And then!
These Canadians are serious about their Tim Horton double doubles!**
Pat and I were somewhat apprehensive about moving up to the window once the debate was completed, but we forged ahead!
As expected ,Pats order of a jimmy-juinka-frappa with 1/3 half and half arrived as a small black coffee 2/3’s full…….instead of 1/3 half and half, Pat got 1/3 oxygen ….the crown jewel of the experience was his toasted bagel and cream cheese……which appeared to be a stale untoasted bagel with unmelted Kraft cheese and some creamer drizzled on top…resulting in a bagel that resembled a wet dish rag. Pat politely mentioned that the order was a bit off…….and the drive – up gal responded:
Pat demanded to see her supervisor….and we got
I begged Pat to just go…just drive…..Pat is not a personality that surrenders easily…..but even Pat knew there was little sense in engaging with these clowns.
I added a little Saint Brendons Irish Cream from my flask into my black coffee as we pulled into traffic….. my coffee was perfect!!…it was at this moment that we both realized the weather may impact our departure time!
We headed to the dock trying to ignore the pelting rain and ferocious wind
The dock was almost unrecognizable………as it was underwater!!!
The owner of River Air proclaimed “ we might have to wait for a window before we can takeoff but let’s get your gear on the carts” the young deckhand materialized with a flat cart with big tires to keep our shit dry as he wheeled it thru the 8” of lake water on the dock. Docks are supposed to be ON TOP of the water…not riding below! Just as this revelation skidded in and out of my feeble brain…..Junior the deck hand runs the cart into the side of the ramp leading into the “hanger” and the waiting scale….several gear bags topple into the drink……I internally chuckle…..until I notice MY backpack SUBMERGED!! Juniors demeanor and associated level of urgency did not fit this particular situation!! I holler “my bag my bag!” He gives me the look given by youngsters since the dawn of mankind
He lazily sloshes his way across the dock toward me , the water pouring out of my bag!
He looks at his submerged boots and silently hands me the bag…no “sorry sir” not even a lame “my bad dude” . I could have strangled him if he wasn’t so young….and I so old…bastard.
Duncan’s shout snapped me out of my rage “your iPad and phone”!!!! I dumped the contents and a gallon of water on an empty cart inside the hanger as Pat scrambled for paper towels.I glared over at junior who pretended to busy himself with weighing the cart and our gear while avoiding eye contact….bastard! Pat feverishly dabbed at the electronics as I shook out my passport, COOTIE vaccination card and other sopping wet shit.
I had to laugh, what a trip this has been,not certain but I think it took me 3 days to get to Kenora Ontario, and I could have driven here in ~16 hours….and now junior put a cherry on top of the whole cluster f*ck by dropping all my electronics and other important shit in the lake! I told Pat “I need a drink” Pat : “it’s 8 am” Me : “oh, my bad dude”. We agreed on a cup of coffee at a NON Tim Hortons coffee shop across the street. After a nice hot cup of correctly prepared coffee we bummed a ride to Wal-mart with some fellow fishermen who were lawyer dudes and like us ,were in search of rubber boots and praying the rain would stop so we all could get on with catching fish, smokin cigars,farting and walking around in our skivvies .
The lawyer dudes had been going on an annual fishing trip for 40 years and were great friends…..this was apparent by the banter and interaction that transpired on the return trip from Walmart.
Bud: turn here turn here, Michael turn here!! Michael I know,I know Bud:well it sure as hell didn’t look like you knew what the f**kin sh*t you were doing ,you dipsh*t a** hole! Michael : how about I pull this van over and kick the fu*kin sh*t our of your worthless p*ssy a**? Bud: I swore I was done fishing with your dumb ass,you f*cker…………….you wanna beer? Michael: sure Bud,thanks Pat : ITS 9:45!! Everyone in the van : Shut-up Pat!!
Once back at the dock we waited around for what seemed like 7 hours and…..in fact, it was 7 hours… and the pilot finally “called it” no flights today! Lucky Us,ANOTHER CANCELLATION!!! By this time there were almost two dozen fisherman milling about the dock in various states of …….this sucks. Pat and I overheard the lawyers saying they were going to the BAR!! Pat reminded me that we needed to book a hotel before I could get knee deep in the Rum! Michael overhead our exchange and announced “I think we got the last room in Kenora”
HOLY SHIT!!!
* Drivin my life away by Eddie Rabbit, 1980
** a Tim Horton double double is two creams two sugars…I think
This blog is dedicated to my great friend Irina who’s capacity for patience is similar to mine
Round the bend 