The Golf group and other oddities

As many of my……..well……both followers know, Karen and I AND the twins Etta and Otis escape our beloved Wyoming each fall in search of warmer weather and a virtually wind free environment . Warmer weather is achievable…..but short of outer space….wind free does not exist ….it blows everywhere

Our first week back was chalked full of engrossing tasks like scrubbing toilets and washing windows……….using a leaf blower to try and wrangle…….well….leaves. Apparently the whole leaf blower goal is to try and get them in the neighbors yard…..I’ve been an utter failure at this as being a Wyoming boy….we rely on the WIND!

I got nothing to complain about….we are very lucky that Karen worked hard enough to allow us to be in a snowbird situation……….as I’ve mentioned before I’d be living under a bridge if not for Karen…….I’m pretty sure it would be somewhere warm however.

I chomped at the bit to get back to the golf course with all the guys of the Dirty Dozen…..or the “Club” as some call it. But we had other pressing matters to attend to.

Like a hail damaged roof and damaged house paint

You can just image my glee when the adjuster told me “what hail damage”? “ I understand the roofer says your roof is totaled and your painters bids reflect a trashed paint job but piss off”!!

I understand that insurance companies are in business to make money BUT COME ON MAN!

We combated our frustration by going camping for a few days over by Florence Az. We love camping in the fifth wheel, it resembles camping about as much as my golf swing …resembles………well…….a golf swing.

Ya got hot water, shower, flush shitter, forced air heat, electric fireplace, big screen TV, stereo inside and out,electric mattress pad, microwave ,four burner stove and convention oven, heated massaging recliners AND two filthy dogs.

It’s a far cry from passing out on a blue tarp wearing every stitch of clothing you own and brushing your teeth with left over beer in the morning

It sure is great that we can camp during the week now that we are retired! After a few days of drinking in lawn chairs, eating grilled burger, steaks ETC……removing cactus from the dogs mouths,feet,tails, hind quarters and ears while drinking we headed back to Moon Pond

Moon Pond being a 55+ community is a cornucopia of humanity….a representation of the populous of our fine nation. For some unknown reason these types of community’s contain a much higher concentration of petty small minded busy bodies . Now dont get me wrong we have the most wonderful neighbors , golf buddies and friends. But the HOA is quite foreign to us being from Wyoming, where you can walk around with a gun on your hip and no one even notices and a Henry golden boy in your pick ups rear window.

Piss off the porch at midnight, drink beer in the driveway all afternoon……you get the idea…….we’re not use to all this structure and the people who deliver it!

Don’t get me wrong….I understand how quickly a place like Moon Pond could circle the shitter if not for the HOA….. but when we can hear the neighbor lady

on her porch ,cell in hand calling “The Patrol” to rat us off because our fifth wheel has been parked in front of the house for 17 seconds while unloading from the “camping “ trip……I get my skivvies in a knot

But it really is no big deal, the neighbor gets some entertainment is perhaps a lonely existence and we have 48 hours to move the RV when we never need more than 12.

After stowing the Mc 5er in the RV lot it was off to the golf course while Karen put away all our gear ,food,electronics,did laundry,vacuumed the house washed and brushed dogs,cleaned dog ear canals and perhaps got to read her book for 30 minutes.

I was excited to be paired with a fellow nicknamed “The strong silent type” I guess because he doesn’t have much to say most times. On the 3rd or 4th hole old Ricky shanked one golf shot 90 degrees off line and drilled me in the cranium! The ball came at me with the speed of a politician scrambling to a microphone to say something unintelligible.

It looked to be about the size of a large cantaloupe as it impacted my ample forehead!Fortunately I have very thick skull as proven buy my inability to understand even the simplest of commands……..Like Rickies shout of Look the fu*k out!!!!!!

I picked myself up off the fairway and we had shot of Fireball in celebration of avoiding a ER visit. You see these old guys dont mess around……..you get birdie…..its a shot……you get a par its a shot……you hit someone with a golfball …its a shot….the sun comes up…….shot.

We had a good laugh until a few holes later when I hit a shot so bad it looked like me trying to pass the SAT’s in the 70’s….It went dead right, right into the spine of Mike , one of the “Clubs”ringleaders. After expressing his wonderment at my horrific golf game…..Mike suggested a shot of his very own Fireball laced concoction, which near as I can ascertain contains Fireball, vodka, rum, Black Velvet , motor oil and Crown ,he calls it Paralysis Juice. I think I’m gonna take a little break from golf….

The days flew by as we basked in the sunshine of Moon Pond…happy for our good fortune to be here. We prepared for Karens departure to Casper for the holidays by Karen cooking nonstop to stockpile “bachelor food” for me …..while also compiling a checklist for me to assure my safety in her absence. I believe this was more for the safety of the dogs…as the long Santa like list headlined with FEED THE DOGS and don’t be a complete drunkard.

Once Karen was safely snuggled in the bosom of her family, in Caspers -40 degrees weather complete with frozen water pipes and car doors, the dogs and I stuck out on a camping trip back to the AZ desert.

The idiocy of this adventure is rivaled only by Nancy Pelosi explaining that we need more non fossil fuels like natural gas.

The dogs undeterred by the incompetence of their master patiently paced the house and garage as I loaded the Mc5er with supplies. Now normally Karen is in charge of supplies,as I’m incapable of remembering even the most basic necessities…like dog food…people food ETC.

After loading a case of rum and 30 pack of Coors Light we began our adventure. 10 miles out I remember the dog food …..sitting forlornly on the garage floor….circling back towards the house I got lost….imagine?

Much to my chagrin Nancy Neberton the nosy neighbor was glassing the house and Mc5er as we screeched to a halt atop the power box in the front yard.

I scampered into the house to retrieve the 17 items I’d forgotten in an effort to elude the patrols impending arrival.

Once safely back on the road we discovered that without Karen to guide me I drove right into the construction zone by the local Safeway!!!! The construction zone has been in a state of disarray since approximately the Jurassic period.

The RV is approximately 9 feet wide …the construction zone “horses” are 9 feet 1 inch apart creating a maze that Lewis and Clark couldn’t traverse.After the light turned green ,I was not surprised when I clipped the first saw horse on the right with the tail of the camper,as it tumbled harmlessly to the right I breathed a sigh of relief while overcorrecting to the left…….the camper fishtailed violently to the left as I again overcorrected. The black water valve impacted two “horses” and sucked them under the camper faster than pro golfer John Daily arriving at the 19th hole

The Mc 5er rocked like it ran over a VW bug and the “horse” shot out from under the axels like pellets from a rabbit who drank to much last night……….I watch as the “horses” cartwheeled through the air …….praying that it wouldn’t hit the 30 something dude with the beard and manbun texting while driving the leased Volvo behind me. As he daydreamed about his $300 sunglasses and $17.00 401K balance he was quite shocked when the “horse” took out his headlight and peeled the quarter panel open like a can of spam. In an effort to escape I inadvertently clipped one last “horse” as I careened thru the gauntlet. Manbun boy was outside his disabled Volvo by now , blocking traffic feverishly punching his cell , in what I’d suspect was an effort to reach his therapist to confirm nothing was his fault and he was special.

We traveled quickly toward the 202 as the faint whine of sirens tried to drown out the opening cords of AC/DC’s Highway to Hell playing on the radio………the dogs napped in the back ,dreaming of running wild and I of tonight’s dinner

No bearded man bun Dufus was injured in the writing of this BS