The twins
and I arrived in the desert for our camping trip near Florence Az pretty much unscathed after the minor incident with the construction zone and the Man-bun guy from American Horror Story
The “twins” Etta and Otis leapt from the pick up like we use to when we heard LAST CALL!!!!! I was sooo happy for them until I noticed they ran 100 mph right out of sight. Bastards……..I busied myself with the traditional Coors Light ….cracked as soon as we arrive at our spot…half way thru the third one I remembered that the beer comes AFTER the Mc5er is set up!!!!!! Being old I had to really focus on WHAT I needed to do….but being old , all I could think about was I really need to pee. For you younger readers who can drink a 12 pack without peeing and pee over a 5’ fence after your 12th beer……….just you wait!
My brain cleared faster than Uncle Joes fogs up when I realized this was going to be a real challenge without my lovely wife, camping partner and owner of 78% of our family’s grey matter. As I mentioned before , we each have separate duties when setting up the Mc5er,but I figured…hey I got this….I went to high school….graduated and everything.
I stared blankly at the control panel wishing I’d paid closer attention to what exactly Karen did ,as I usually busily myself in the bed of the Ford slowly trying to empty the beer cooler while Karen does all the work
I figured what the hell, took a swig of beer and started punching buttons , while screaming MAO like Christopher Walken’s captor in the movie The Deer Hunter
The camper convulsed and groaned like a old man trying to tie his shoes or the really old guy you hear in the club house using the next urinal over…….not pretty!!!!
After 15 or 20 minutes of trying to accomplish what Karen completes in 1-2 minutes, I figured “close enough “……a little cribbing under the wheels…..chock the tires……and we’ll be ready for a rum drink!
After assembling a RUM and coke,I went searching for the twins…….those two are what I imagine twin toddlers to be…….faster than the contents of an old time thermometer with a splash of Chucky
A few minutes later I found them pacing around a recently uprooted desert bush,the bush had be expertly trenched around its 360 degree drip line in an effort to capture and KILL whatever hapless rodent tried to live there
By promising a special treat and cool fresh water to wash down 5 pounds of recently ingested dirt I was able to entice the twins back towards the Mc5er….after watering and feeding the twins I splashed a new drink and relaxed in a lawn chair.
Beat down on me like
I drifted in and out ……napping until the unwanted occasional companion of all old men appeared intermittently to jostle me from slumber….the nose fart……….I told myself enjoy a nap! It’s not like I’m responsible for leading the Greatest Nation in the World!
After napping in the sun,walking with the dogs each day thus amassing a distance similar to Shermans March to the sea
I decided that camping without your lovely wife, best camping pal and life mate was BORING!!!, so after three days in the desert we headed back to Moon Pond.
Moon pond is a great community AND my great friend Scooter Rizzuto who I met in fourth grade was coming to visit!
Like most men……who have lifelong pals visit………..
drunkenness became the rule of the day. Our male pride shone brightly as we golfed each day and skidded into nightfall in a Bullet Bourbon fueled perception of euphoria unaware of our simpleminded sophomoric behavior. Without wives present to remind us that we were no longer skinny 20 something’s, that we are on downhill side of the lifespan equator and we should act….or at least try and act like adults….we behaved like each day was our last and we strangled each ounce of joy out of every second……..so basically we were shitfaced for 4 days.
I’m not sure if I was happier to see Scooter arrive or depart Moon Pond…..I know my liver breathed sigh of relief as he trodded down the walk into Sky harbor airport.
I’ve tried to wax eloquent in the past about lifelong friends with what I’d guess is limited success based on my remedial skills as a scribe , but Your friend (s) from 1969 are second only to your wonderful wife in their ability to finish sentences for you and make you feel comfortable and satisfied with life in each moment of each day. The only thing that grade school chums are better at than loving soulmates is their ability to not mention that your feet stink, that you might wanna wear a different shirt today, and they never say…….”you’re not having another beer are you”?
I counted the days for Karens return from snowy wyoming ,my lonely heart supplanted by the shear horror that I needed to clean the entire house and take a pickup load of liquor bottles to the landfill before her arrival and discovery of Scooter and my unabashed teenage behavior!!!!
Most men or perhaps just me…….don’t realize how much your mate/wife means to you until you are alone in an empty house……and you turn to comment on how utterly stupid “this Netflix move is” and there is no one there…..or you make her cup of coffee and set out her iPad and phone at her place at the table for her arrival from slumber…..only to realize……you are a moron…….she in not here….she is interfacing with adults who it just so happens , are not morons….many states away.
Buy your wife some flowers……do the wash…….run the vacuum……but above all let her know that she is everything……..because without her….you are not your best you and perhaps much less
God Only Knows”
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
From The Beach Boys album Pet Sounds 1966
* Jeremy by Pearl Jam 1991 from the album Ten
Round the bend 