Montezuma Castle is quite impressive and is worth the visitThe V bar V Ranch has wonderful examples of 800 year old petroglyphs, A short walk from the Ranger office has you in a grove of trees abutting a cliff face filled with The petroglyphs! A small group of 10-15 of us listen to the volunteer “Ranger” give a fascinating accounting of the different symbols and what researchers perceive them to depict. I’m almost as fascinated by the presenters efforts and skill as the content of the subject matter when we attend these. Perhaps just as fascinating is the ability of ,we the public , to say stupid stuff,ask stupid stuff and my all time favorite

“Nancy Knowitall”

*.

Nancy Knowitall will invariably interject into the volunteers presentation with minor examples of their knowledge of the subject. More often than not the injection will be regurgitated information……this causes eye rolling from everyone in the crowd who is not so insecure that they need to demonstrate how smart they are.

Sometimes the NNIA( edit….know is spelled with a k) NKIA will be so desperate to be involved in a “1 on 1” conversation with the presenter that they will ask stupid shit.

Our volunteer mentioned half a dozen times that the petroglyphs had been created between 1300 and 800 years ago!!!

NKIA: Were these trees here when they carved the petroglyphs?

Volunteer: uh

I can see the internal struggle our volunteer has going on..

Volunteer silently thinking: are you stupid, these trees are 8″ in diameter……..have you heard of 1300 year old trees?

By this time NKIA realizes her gaffe and the color drains from her face, our presenter, a seasoned veteran of Stupid Question Syndrome or SQS for short, quickly defuses the situation with

Volunteer: That’s an excellent question and I thank you for being engaged, but no these trees where planted and replaced by the Ranch multiple times over the last 150 years to act as a barrier,excellent question Nancy!!

I’m always impressed with speakers that have the ability to “save” the NKIA’s of the world…….I would blurt out: ” Hahahaaaaaa! Did you just ask that??? Can you count?? Are you stupid??

Our “Ranger” cautioned us to be careful as we moved about the tree rooted ground as a older gentleman had to be medi-vac’d out of the area after doing a “Mark Zuckerberg“** just last week.

I noticed the whole crowd glanced at the ground as we shuffled as a group,kind of a human centipede.***

I noticed the large man to my right liked to follow fashion trends, this particular trend has been in vogue for decades but still seems popular with the “older” crowd. The look is to pull your shorts or trousers up to were your armpit hair starts…tuck in your shirt and finish the look off by cinching your belt up so much that everything is SOOO tight that it looks like you are wearing a jumper. I chuckled internally as my foot stopped in mid stride!!

My toe ached as my brain SCREAMED…ROOT!!!!!! ROOT!!

As my right knee began to buckle, my left leg wanted to do something to stem the tide of the impending catastrophe. Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately for me, my left leg understood the physics of trying to lift both legs at once…….this move has been proven to be a real loser while wading the North Platte River over the years…..

As inertia continued on her merry way to ruin my day, my torso lurched forward,I glanced over at Karen as my eyes pleaded for help! My $6 cup of Starbucks was held triumphantly aloft in an effort to save it from spilling…………my brain…was not large enough to understand this was the least of my worries.

About this time my left knee began its buckle as it couldn’t support my fat ass all on its own, my right hand ….not wanting to miss out on all the fun , involuntarily crushed the foo foo coffee cup , sending a geyser of hot coffee into the atmosphere .As Karen’s face changed from a lack of realization to the forlorn look of every wife……the look that says….”NOT AGAIN”!!… my posture continued its accent forward and down….down……down…..down. The Rangers words of caution about tree roots reverberated in my empty head as my face continued its slow spiral towards large mans butt!! My optic nerve sent the peripheral view of my left hand reaching towards Large mans butt…….as the out of body experience continued , my brain screamed!!! DON’T TOUCH HIS BUTT….DON’T TOUCH HIS BUTT!!!!!!

While most men will happily fondle one another’s derriere during team sporting events…..it’s pretty much considered poor form any other time.

I succeeded in shutting down my left hand as I imagined it wondering ” what are you gonna do if I don’t help?” ……..

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****

yep……. I Zuckerberg ‘d right into his more than ample keister

Mr skintight shorts was of such a size that I just bounced off, as I staggered to my feet, my fellow presentation attendees tried to avert their eyes……. as they wiped off coffee from …everywhere………their minds screaming as one……” he Zuckerberg’d right into that guys ass!!!! Holy crap!!!” A few murmured “you ok?” As they tried to erase the image forever burned into their brains

check out the Camp Verde area! It’s got some cool history….just remember to watch your step.

* internet picture of Nancy Knowitall, I have no idea if this lady’s name is even Nancy,please don’t sue me for using your picture as I have no money.

** a Zuckerberg is commonly know as a faceplant,this is not widely known as I just made it up……unless I subconsciously stole it from someone else.

*** this is a really bad film…..do not watch it……………ever

**** “the butt fumble “

Karen and Jim found the much ballyhooed BLM land near Congress Az. and both crews where excited to test the dry camping part of our extended RV trip. I can tell you that BLM camping is free ,so folks like us …..let’s call us “monetarily prudent consumers” or MPC ‘s ……………

or cheap bastards for short …….we really dig this.

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When Karen and I had the “Mc 5er” in for repair in Tucson we stayed at the Resort KOA right next door …….$60 a night!

the KOA had a Country Club feel as we rolled up to the registration parking lane, the guy in the $450,000 class A MOTORHOME ahead of me removed his smoking jacket when he exited his rig has and stared in horror as I recovered the partially collapsed garbage can from under the “Mc5er”. *I thought I had the “turn” figured out but that was apparently ill founded exuberance.

I watched in the side view mirror as the can was sucked under the tires and the contents squirted out like so much toothpaste. I tried to remain nonchalant as I exited the truck but it’s hard to have any dignity after jumping the curb and squashing a can 5 feet up on the sidewalk. To add to my embarrassment , the can would no longer stay upright on its own, and the contents I’d recovered kept spilling out.!! I dragged the can to a nearby palm tree and began to prop it up when two golf carts screeched to a halt at my feet. Two guys who looked like connected guys from the east……….dressed in starched coveralls adorned with a GIANT KOA logo jumped out ……and wrenched the can from my grip and tossed it in the back and replaced it with a shiny new one! They were gone in seconds ,moving with the precision of a Indy pit crew! Apparently this KOA is use to greenhorns like myself.

I strode to the double doors in the hopes that Mr. Howell was in the can, much to my disappointment…old smoking jacket was delighting the desk clerk with tales of rugged adventure that he and his wife ,”Lovey “barely survived in their teakwood, granite and Italian tile “camper”Mr. Howell gave me a condescending look and added a slight head shake that said “Can you believe this moron”??l. Nothing like good old fashioned public humiliation to get your day started off on the right foot!

Fortunately Judy, the lovely lady at the desk asked ” Did Jim and Robert take care of the defective waste receptacle ? I’m so sorry that we put those so close to the curb, if there is any damage to your unit we will be happy to have it repaired” I stared at her trying to process how me almost driving thru the reception area …to run over this can was not my fault…then…. Thurston gave a little throaty chuckle..

Thats it!!!.

”

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I’m going yard on this buffoon!

***

I grabbed Thurston by the forearm and wrenched the pinky ring off his

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Well.

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His pinky.

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His fat little steak tar tar, imported smoked salmon eating finger was so fat that

The ring didn’t wanna come off!

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I think I may have cut Mr Howell’s finger****

“I was poised to shove that pinky ring up Mr.Stuffys nose when:

Sir?

Sir?

May I help you?

It was another one of them there “Final Destination ” visions again!! It was a “daydream “!

As pinky ring slinked out the door,I turned to Judy and said “Why thank you mam, we’d like to check in”

Judy told us about all the amenities that a resort KOA has to offer!

A giant laundry facility , three restaurants, an arcade , pickle ball, 9 hole putting greens,a bar with extremely expensive watered down drinks,a gift shop 3 dog parks,2 ponds, power parasols……..whatever the hell that is, food delivery, private fire pit rental, game room, 2 pools, workout center, bike rental,cable tv, WiFi, 2 snack bars, mini golf, outdoor theater, life size replica of the Mir space station….

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alright……maybe they don’t have that…..but…..this place was ridiculous. I’m not sure what you call this place…but it’s not camping…….the place that removed my hip was not this fancy.

But back to BLM CAMPING!

The BLM camping didn’t have putting greens but it did have endless piles of cans and assorted debris that we all spent time walking thru, with Jim ,Cherokee and I spending hours and miles of walking….in search of ……….

.

.perhaps

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The lost Dutchman mine!!

Little did we know…we were no where near the Lost Dutchman Mine!

Wait a minute……we knew that!!,

anyway….we spent hours walking the dump piles….Jim and I had a blast.

We went golfing too…not putt putt golf like a KOA but real golf

Well …..this looks like we’re drinking……..which……we are….but we did golf…I just don’t have any pictures.

Wickenburg Country Club was a bit spendy for tastes, but the course was nice,the people were nice and the bartender Christie was great, much better than a KOA

We had wildlife too!and views!and a gluten free plan,!,!and Jim parking a little close to the stove…….you’d think a firefighter would know betterand shockingly enough bloodies !!!

BUT NO MORE BACON FROM DOLLAR GENERAL!,!!

**

The BLM land was great, it didn’t have a bar…it had two

One called a Judy’s and one called Karen’s!

The BLM land was cheaper!!!,

The neighbors were strange

in a prep-per kind a way……but that’s ok…we all got to have our own space.

Congress and Wickenburg are great places……they are well worth the effort !

Just watch out for the @#&(;(=&!,!!,!, stickers!

live today…………….like it’s TODAY!!!!

* thanks to our friend Bridget for christening our fifth wheel the “Mc 5er”

** no bacon was harmed or mistreated during the writing of this story

*** Chuck Norris….famous tough guy

**** SNL skit of Bill Murray as Julia Child’s

Barton talked me into a hike yesterday as we sat around the campers swilling IPA’s vodka and rum……..unfair tactics at happy hour! To clarify, I was shamed into the hike…. Barton: I’m gonna hike over outta Yarnell Az. Tomorrow….7.2 miles round trip!

Me, silently in my head: are you high Barton??

Karen and Judy stared at me until I broke……”wow Jim, that sounds great, I haven’t walked 7 miles Total since I quit my paper route in 1975″ “l can hardly wait”!

Barton announced that we’d leave the camp at 7 and be moving up the trail at 7:30 sharp! I slinked off to bed,a man who had truly tried to limit my walking in the last 44 years……I swore from 1970 to 1975…..as I humped newspapers over hill and over Dale…..Pittsburgh was chocked full of hills and all the Dales had giant bellies…..if a ball is not involved “I ain’t running nowhere ” or as Karen says “if you ever see me running, you run too, because someone behind me is trying to kill me”

F***ing Barton!I hate that in shape, healthy bastard.

I put on my brave face as we ascended the steps which would take me to certain death……I stopped for a short rest after the ten torturous steps…I could feel Barton eyeballing me , so I whipped out my phone and faked a photo opp ……Barton was already muttering under his breath………..”what a candy ass”

I was determined and after a hundred yards or so I took comfort in knowing I only had about 11,672 yards to go……fortunately it was 90% up hill….the return trip too.

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At 200 yards I started to worry that I may have bit off more than I could chew..water…..hydration …that’s what I need

No I didn’t look like the Flashdance gal from 1983…but I thought the older fellas here might wanna be reminded of that scene from their youth….anyway…where was I?

.

.

At the 3/4 of a mile mark (~ 1,300 yards) I was thinking I

Need

This.

.

. then I remember…..I need water…I forgot to get a drink…..I laid flat in the trail and rifled thru my pack…………at last…the cool sweaty plastic felt good in my hand. I filled several last night and put them in the fridge next to two others.

Barton fidgeted with his phone taking pictures of the Jeep in the parking lot……we were still so close you could hear the engine pinging as it cooled…this walking is …bull shit.

As I took a giant pull off the water bottle ,I gulped the cool liquid down my throat…

.

And then it tried to make a 180 degree turn???? only a fraction of a second had passed as my brain started screaming WTF is this liquid fire in my mouth and neck hole!!!

Your brain really processes information at an alarming speed…….in the next millisecond my mind is screaming don’t vomit on Barton, DON’T VOMIT ON BARTON!!! don’t spit it out, don’t swallow it…whatever it is!!!…………..1\1,000,000 of a instant later….my brain is seeing Karen transferring vodka from the heavy glass bottle to a water bottle !!! Oh shit,!oh shit

I Have a giant pull of straight vodka in my first and second stages of the digestive track ,I’m retching and convulsing like the guy on Alien who has the critter hatch out his chest…….I’m desperately trying to will the vodka down my throat, it’s starting to leak out my nostrils, the burning is so intense that I’m expecting blood to start flowing out my snozz……Barton is looking at me like I am an alien……at this point I get that hitch in my throat that you get when you gulp water too fast or beer gets stuck in your throat…you can’t swallow and you can’t spit it out……it hurts like a sob.

I somehow manage to choke down the 8 oz mouthful of STRAIGHT VODKA!!!! And kept Barton at bay with a little story about how the water got stuck. After a few hundred yards my vision started to clear…….but I had a new found bounce in my step….maybe this hiking was ok after all,

.

until.

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None of this happened…….I make fun…..a bit too much sometimes…let me be serious for a change.

What really happened was

The Granite Mountain Hotshots Memorial State Park is outside Yarnell Arizona. On June 30 2013 ,while fighting a lightning caused wild land fire ,19 of the crew perished when the fire changed direction and their position was over run.

As Jim discussed his desire to do the hike along the Memorial trail, I felt compelled to join him. Jim is a retired Fire Fighter of 28 years in Casper Wyoming but also has years of experience fighting wild land fires, I could tell that this place,this hike meant something special to Jim. Although I could not fathom Jim’s thoughts and emotions as a Fire Fighter,I could certainly respect them and I as a ordinary citizen had emotions as well.

Barton and I set off at 7:35 on a bright blue morning, accompanied by Cherokee the Chesapeake Bay retriever, a lizard or two and the occasional buzzard or hawk floating in the zone where the rocky hills started small valleys.

I’m sure Barton’s thoughts were more intense than mine as he has the connection thru the Brotherhood . I did my best to keep up …..because lagging behind, or not completing the hike….seemed disrespectful, and I felt nothing but respect for the sacrifice these young men made while trying to save the community of Yarnell and their fellow citizens.along the trail we stopped to read the plaques honoring each man….the details of their family life……wives…fiancé’s….children….brothers…and sisters…..mothers and fathers…it was moving to say the least. We’d silently move on as we finished reading each one, alone in our thoughts.

Early on the trail, the burnt out trees and shrubs gave a eerie feel but many had recovered 6 years later, the new growth out pacing the blackened stalks with hope for better . We met many hikers on the way, most with ties to fire fighting or perhaps first responders……all struck me with their straight back resolve to not just complete the hike for the sake of a hike but as a way to say thank you….

The view and emotion from the observation deck is very powerful as we gazed below to the site, 3/4 of a mile below, where the men had perished .

I/we go through our days without giving much thought to the folks who put themselves in harms way…..try and say thanks next time you have the opportunity.

Not all of us can be heroes like the Granite Mountain Hotshot Crewbut we all have the chance to be better husbands ,fathers, brothers and sons. Be aware that we all have impact on those around us……..most of us will never have chance to save someone from a burning building…but we all have opportunities every day be better people and as a byproduct help others be better today and in the future.

Visit the Granite Mountain Hotshots Memorial, make the hike if you are physically able, if not ,that’s ok, a tip of your hat is fine too.

Thank goodness for my wonderful wife, always on the lookout for monetarily prudent entertainment and or activities to stimulate grey matter enhancement. Although the bluegrass festival was most certainly neither…………..crap! We were all excited to immerse ourselves in the local scene…….right away…we noticed that the demographic was far different than bluegrass shows we’ve attended in Wyoming……Karen deduced that Wyoming weather limits the number of opportunities to be outdoors without 7 layers of clothing. In Az young and old are not forced to rub elbows at just any event…..in Wyoming any excuse will entice everyone.

Az. has great weather most of the time so the younger crowd gravitates to something other than 50 year old dudes picking and a grinning.

A recent point of discussion between Karen and I has been my apparent preoccupation with referring to myself as old……..for the most part this is in jest . BUT I’m 58 and 9/12’s …..I don’t really feel old till I look at the number…….anyway……..we were the youngsters at this bluegrass show…….it was apparent that ,if we live till 127 we to can look forward to attending bluegrass shows and the joy of shaking our moneymaker even if we forgot where it’s at.

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that, something is not right, something I saw recently wasn’t right??

Then you retrace your steps…….”is the tv remote in the microwave “? Nope…check

“Was there something about the lunch I made?….I peel back the bread……..peel back the lettuce…….

.peel

.back.

.meat

as luck would have it….this was the sandwich I made for Karen!! I have never bitten into this paper product….I’d imagine it is. Similar to biting into the corn husk of a

tamale,because you didn’t know enough to remove the husk ….which I did way back when I first moved to Wyoming……how the hell was I to know???….where I grew up everyone was Polish, Italian,Hungarian or who knows what…..I never even heard of Mexican food till 1980, anyway I’m most grateful that I caught this before lunch !

We stayed at Alamo lake SP for a few days and what a great spot! I got up the first morning…..and this bozo is on the hillside out our picture window!

but then I

Realized

It was Not Nancy Pelosi

Just some of the

LocalsI was more than elated that we just had wild burros roaming the hills and not the ass hats from DC………the burros did a good imitation of DC elite , baying nonsense,crapping everywhere,trying to mount one another without permission…..but still they were far more interesting and I never once wished for space junk to fall out of the sky and land on the burros!along with the burros we had great views and company!

Our favorite culinary aficionado and caretaker of the worlds best laugh, Judy!!!!keeper of the beaming smile, Karen!!

Shannon and Damion ….I mean Pearlmy pal Larry!

Barton!!!

Wait

That’s not Barton?

This is Bartonvisit Alamo SP…..it’s out in the middle of nowhere……..but sometimes…..that’s were the fun is!

I discovered on this trip that tastes change, things you’d never do in your 30’s or even 40’s are all of a sudden ok…….and a byproduct of that discovery is that old and young are very similar……it’s the “middle” people…….that are alone together……..they are not 9 and they aren’t 50 something .I’m not sure how this happens……or when it happened exactly ………( and don’t say 10 and 49 either) but all of a sudden the roadside sign, weathering in the constant sun and wind.

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which had been the butt of jokes…..becomes ” hey honey how about we get an ice cream cone and check out the “thing”?

And instead of getting an incredulous look ……..you get a giddy ” gee I hope they have rocky road”

Karen and I have become STEREOTYPICAL TOURIST!!! There use to be a bit of shame in that….at least for me…………..

As a much younger man, I bragged to my fishing companions as we portaged our gear and raft over yet another snag of fallen timber on some forgotten river, sweat forming on our lanky frames of youth……”we are seeing Alaska , like those old people will NEVER see Alaska……those people in their Fancy float planes who fly into the remote rivers and fly back to the lodge in time for a hot shower, happy hour and steak tartare….they don’t know what there’re missing”……..I suppose the bravado helped me forget how much work it was to stay alive without a “fancy plane”…How I truly longed for table fare beyond “cup a soup” and I’m sure I secretly wanted to be one of “those old people ”

Today we lounge in the “Mc 5er” sipping cool drinks in anticipation of the next!!!

.

.Or

actually quite interesting……..

Not too many years ago we would have opted for:

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which we did after getting all knowed up on missile technology that dated from back when I had hair.

Then we checked out this cheesy cave that they boned us $20 each to stumble thru

we decided it wasn’t that cheesy once we got to :

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and had a margarita!

Surprisingly Old Tucson was coolwould you expect anything less from me?Karen and Judy too!then

and then a shootout on the bell tower!and my favorite!,!

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.a guy doing a header!!

Look at this!

Isn’t it cool!

Cracks me up every time I look at it,!!

and nothing rounds out a day at the tourist trap, like a visit to the gift shop on the way out

fortunately for myself and as a added entertainment bonus to the other patrons….

There was a hatter at the

Gift shop

What is it with “seasoned” men?

Their craniums seem to enlarge

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??.????

maybe their brains get full ???.

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Look at this guys cranium !!!

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Now get out there and see some “stuff”!!

I think this where Washington throws all the tax dollars We the drove the 25 miles or so from Douglas Az (home of the worlds worst golf course) to Bisbee Az. And checked out the town and the viewed the 900 foot deep copper mine from a photo pull out area . We didn’t have time this trip but they have tours of the mine itself that sounds really cool.

Bisbee is a little like Deadwood South Dakota, they’ve done a great job of preserving the old buildings and inventing a new “product” , in this case history based tourism .The town has a funky art-c-fart-c feel……I think it would be a blast to spend a couple of nights in one of the old hotels and immerse yourself in the town, restaurants and watering holes……….There are the bohemian types strutting their stuff up Main Streetand the locals making their own fashion statement

the food and drinks we had around town were great, but the local people made Bisbee a win. You should do the golf cart tour , it is rich in history, and grab a bite……and maybe a local brew or two. “Bisbee is like Mayberry , only on acid” as the bumper sticker I bought says…..check it out…..it is cool.

..

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.Douglas Az. Golf course ……brown dirt field :

---

THIS IS NOT WHAT A FAIRWAY SHOULD LOOK LIKE!!

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. I don’t think a green should have areas like this either!,

you know how you take a picture of The sunset or of the Mona Lisa and the photograph just doesn’t do the subject justice? I was surprised to find it works the other way too…..the golf course was A BIGGER PIECE OF CRAP than these photos depict. I suspect that Minut Man oil change in Rockport Tx. Is part owner.

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Karen and I have been traveling in the “Mc 5er” for long enough to know better……….. when you are going through your “set up or breakdown ” routine……never get distracted! Lucky for us,Karen noticed our mistake before we pulled away. When doing our walk around Karen was observant enough to notice we left the bedroom slide out,!! Before you pass judgment, I will say it is shocking how easy it is to get your routine interrupted by others or even your own feeble mind. We could have had this:.

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I’m making light of this , but dragging a trailer is dangerous and keeping diligent is essential to your safety and the safety of others.

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There are other parts of RVing…..some funny,some annoying here is dinner…..as prepared by our fine friend Larry…..when RVing….you don’t always get to eat the same as you could in a home kitchen……..I was mortified as Larry “plopped ” the can of ” Maine’s Finest Meat In The Can” into the pan while announcing “this is gonna be delish”

Right Larry…….maybe if you’re from Bisbee

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Here is another Larry move I thought the campground host was gonna go all Barney Fife on Larry over this

I suspect Larry has some authority issues…..which I suppose is better than having daddy issues..

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I think everyone from Wyoming that I’ve ever camped with would be bummed by this :then there is this

Right or wrong…….most dog owners…certainly those of us from Wyoming understand that these signs do not apply to our furry friends……..because while not quite as smart as Steven Hawking our dogs are far smarter than the meatheads in D.C……….our dogs are intelligent enough not to bite the hand that feeds them and they don’t make a mess of everything they get near

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.Tucson fairgrounds

these crazy bastards go 70 mph!!!

The Fairgrounds is a parking lot but it has great sunsets

Karen , Judy and Jim! AND our friend tomato juice! Gilbert Ray campground Tucson Az.

get out there! Live life! As my brother Pat would say…………………Do something,even if it’s wrong.

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Like a spaghetti sandwich!

SPECIAL THANKS TO : STEVE “slicemaster” JOHNSON FOR THE BROWN DIRT FIELD PHOTOS

Its about time that I publicly thanked my lovely wife and best friend , Karen. Now before I spiral into too much mushyness…it is well known by all who know us that I would be living in a cave with $12 to my name and no direction in my life, if not for Karen. On occasion there can be a bit more direction than a guy is comfortable . CFC with……that just means I’m like every other dude.

If not for Karen I would have never gotten to:

go on a Valentines day Mexican Cruise across the Rio Grande!ride donkeys!travel all over …like to City Of Rocks,New Mexico!

Barrett – Jackson car show!

Alabama!

Meet great people like Shannon and Larry!

And Bridget and Steve!

Farrah Fawcett!alright………maybe I never met Farrah Fawcett

The other day,for some unknown reason I started really thinking about all tasks and thought that Karen performs and puts into making our travels a success …..when I thought about it in terms of a Piggly Wiggly shopping cart……Karen had two carts and I wasn’t gonna have to even count to confirm I quailed for the express lane. I would encourage all my counterparts out there to do the same exercise……now before the load bearing half of all relationships gets all goo goo gah gah……….there will not be a long term significant change in behavior….there will still be occasional underwear left on the bathroom floor on shower day, the un-rinsed ice cream bowl in the sink that will require a category 4 nuclear device to clean….and the list goes on…..you’ll just have to wrap yourselves in the warmth of our love and call it close enough………………………….”can I have another beer while your up?”

Now go buy him or her some flowers!.

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Or better yet:

This

Is not what you really want for a hair style,but when you’re knee deep in retired guy mode…….and you decide cutting your own hair is a viable cost reduction option ……well…..this is what you get. I mean $15 bucks plus a 50 cent tip is outrageous….look closely….there are so few hairs….you can count them…….$15 bucks…..what is that….10 cents a hair???……..that’s just un-American

.

You may also decide to reduce your monetary outflow by

grilling one brat at a time.

There was extensive discussion about reducing the food and booze bill so we opted for: it’s worked out quite well until we ran out of bread and crackers to apply the peanut butter to, we experimented with putting it on gerkins which was all that was left in the fridge other than the mixers for the hooch………..results were less than optimal .

tough times call for tough choices .

Truth or Consequences New Mexico is a town full of nice folks, but a town that relied on Elephant Butte Lake to bring in the tourist-as……EBL is at 8% full…….or at least that was what we heard

and we believed it after finding the boat ramp!tthis is the newly resurfaced and striped boat launch area………they need some rain…or a lotta snow in Colorado….but really they need the polar ice cap to melt before this launch will ever have enough water to be useful

a gal at the store told me that they had sold their water rights over to Texas a few years ago and that ………sealed their fate…no amount of snow melt in Colorado was gonna fix this problem. Although I know it’s more complicated than some dongface in DC making a wrong call….or maybe it was the right call and I can’t see that…what I can see is a town that once flourished…….and is now dying on the vine

Truth or Consequences had a golf course ! Hell they had two of them! I was fortunate enough to hit crappy shots,lose balls and in general desecrate the great game of golf on both courses! I hit a duck hook sooo bad it tore my pant leg plumb off!!!

we had fun on both courses…..the second one was the muni course and it needed something called WATER……as you can see from the photo above…….it was a bit dry…..

The first course was 97% more expensive because they either painted the fairways or owned a water hose…….While especially pleasing to the eye,the green fairways seemed to have very little effect on my ball flight………..more than once Karen asked “why did it go over there “?…..”because I suck Karen, that’s why ………get in the cart” The nice fellow in the back was cleaning windshields at the intersection by WalMart so we invited him along for a bratwurst…………..not really……that’s our friend Steve…….he had one of those “gumberment” jobs where he’d hafta kill ya if he told you what he did for them. One evening…..after a few IPA’s and some top shelf tequila he came clean…..Steve was in charge of the $400 toilet seats and $600 hammer procurement task force…. the tequila….while not exactly water boarding….was most effective. I slept just a bit more soundly each night after learning the sacrifices and contributions Steve and other brave men and women have made to provide us with a comfortable place to sit when the need arises ………………………..alright….I made that up…………but I couldn’t really remember what Steve said he did….we were drinking ……..tequila after all………that shit IS effective..

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.This is Truth or Consequences muni, the fairways were the same color as the building behind us…….the guys running this place were fantastic even if the course is a bit rough…..I would however recommend waiting till it greens up a bit more before forking over $27.50.

here Larry is pointing me in the direction of my golf ball….they just don’t come any better than a guy like Larry…real salt of the earth that Larry and he makes the best oyster shooters! I think Larry and I get along so well because we are so much alike…..uhh…we like to talk sh*t ……and we are also full of it.

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.here is our campground at Elephant Butte State Park…..Steve picked this spot..and even if it was far away from the lake, The wandering around was quite good

we found this buried in a foot of mud near the shoreline,from the looks of the 30″ deep ruts and the debris scattered about that they had used for traction……..they were VERY stuck

Elephant Butte was uneventful for the most part, but that’s ok sometimes….go check out T or C….just to say ya did, the people are very cool.

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Be advised that I take EXTREME latitude with my story telling, I hope that my friends as well as the strangers who are featured in my yarns are not too butt hurt about the fun I poke….if so ya need to “Cowboy up”……….snowflake.

We were desperate for a spot to land for a couple of nights as we prepared to departed Big Bend . Karen and I drove from our Rio Grande campground toVerizon hill in search of a signal and tried to ignore the real campers who strode by in confident search of becoming one with nature, as we pecked away in google search mode. I wanted to yell out the window ” we’re trying to reserve our next spot! Not surfing Amazon and faceplant!” But that was not 100% true………I got “shiny rock syndrome ” more than once as I researched RV parks on the upcoming route. I must admit that I weakened at the sight of more than one RV accessory pop up ad……” oh look! Another widget I don’t need that won’t fit in the basements of the 5er! I better get two”. Karen: ” how you coming on that search? Me: “Their site is very slow loading honey, you know I’m doin the best I can here” followed by frantic clicking.

Karen made quick work of her family accounting and banking work as I ordered several items that Karen refers to as yard CRAP, I think the figurines on a rod you put in the ground with a spring that allows them to dance in the wind are cute……who can resist a leprechaun? A Welcome to our camper bouncy sign? And Karen’s arch nemesis……pink Flamingos? And then…..the lure of WordPress………my new personal crack like addiction …beckons …….like a lover in the night…..or like a Resses cup in the Food Lion checkout…….I must check my WordPress stats! As I await the loading page,I day dream of Karen and I boarding our yacht , .

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.Our driver Jeeves steadies Karen’s arm as she boards……… mindful of the slowly turning rotor blades as the crew does the daily inspection on the heilo pad. I’m snapped to reality ……

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.as WordPress opens and revels that only my wife and a few close friends………..All right…one other person I know …have read my latest installment of Round The Bend ……my travel blog! How am I ever gonna get Viagra, the people who market the copper frying pans and the clapper light switch to ever advertise on my blog if nobody ever clicks on it!! Just then I notice Karen giving me the hairy eyeball……….. I point and comment on the magnificent mountains and the cascading light…………..as I click out of my scribe cocaine . I assure Karen we are all set ! Terlingua Ranch , here we come!

“Kelly why the hell is the navigation icon pointing way off the road …into the desert? I thought you said this place was right off the highway?”

I had said it was just off the highway….because I had no clue, of, well…where it was, so I assumed. In retrospect this may have been folly on my part. …assuming….Their website said they had a restaurant and a pool …… I should have become suspicious when I noted the pictures showed people eating in the restaurant with high waisted polyester pants and wide collared shirts……and the women…who appeared to frolic in the pool…..all had hair like the cast of Charlie’s Angel’s!! It was becoming evident that even with my keen eye for detail……..I’d fallen victim to “out dated website syndrome”…….

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ah well ,how bad could it be? As we turned off 118 at the sign announcing Terlingua Ranch this way!……..16 miles straight into the desert….WTH!! The weather beaten sign swayed in the constant breeze as the sand whipped up and pecked away at the paint of a decade ago………this was shaping up to be an episode of :.

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Karen , to her credit gave a muted laugh….or was it a scoff?? The fairly new blacktop gave me hope that I had not booked us into something from the movie “Hostel”……I hope not because if someone tried lopping off Karen’s digits with pruning shears ………we’d all be in big trouble!

Karen and I chuckled at the abandoned pick up cabs at someone’s gate, an attempt at some avant-garde art…….that didn’t quite work…at least not on us. The road on either side had everything from abandoned adobe huts to well appointed haciendas…….the double wide trailer with curtains dancing at the broken window seemed to be the more recommend HOA abode,outnumbering all others 10 to 1.

Our 16 miles of blacktop turned to dirt……washboard dirt…….5ers don’t do well on washboard dirt roads……5er owners fair even more poorly. After 3 miles of me trying to find a speed that had any result other than knocking out our fillings or causing the 5er to try and pass the pickup…..we mercifully….arrived. The Ranch office was manned by Clyde, a pleasant fellow who informed us that we’d never fit in spot number 3……#3 is the spot that Carol assured me was perfect on the phone!! For $3 more , Clyde hooked us up in the last spot available! The 3 day weekend had brought everyone out to The Ranch according to Clyde. Everyone included enthusiast of horses,fat bikes,four wheelers, side by sides, and of course the Jeepsters! The Jeep folks travel in groups and seemed to enjoy a brew or two or 8 after a day making dust for the rest of us to enjoy. In defense of the Jeepsters, The Ranch caters to people who wanna come out to the desert mountains and…..tear it up, its not set up for old fat guys like me who want to sit in a lawn chair swilling beer waiting for the girls from Charlie’s Angel’s to stroll by.

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They never showed…..

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The Ranch was an ok place after all……I got bored and climbed a near by hill, it was quite a hike….after an hour of climbing, I could barely make out the license plate numbers on the truck….that’s when I realized I had covered some ground! 40 maybe 50 yards!

This hiking was serious business.

Step back in time and come enjoy the Terlingua Ranch! The people are cool and some are also retro!

Don’t forget the Jeep!

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We made our way to Garner State Park …..a deserted Garner SP….we can only assume that a lack of cell and internet service has scared off all the winter Texans….well the ones who were smart enough to figure that out before paying for 3 days. It’s a nice area right on the Frio river that gets LOTS of tuber traffic in summer and long weekends. The river had been at least 8′ higher at one time recently as evidenced by the debris in the tree branches. The trash was a bit of a bummer but I would guess once the river recedes to a normal level the park service or some one picks up all the “stuff”.

Putting on my anthropology hat and making a mental catalog of the trash field I ascertained that tubing requires you to disrobe . There were a disproportionate amount of male “whitey tighties ” I can only assume the males drink most of the 753,437 bud light cans scattered along the high water mark thus giving them the misguided notion that they are more attractive naked. I did discover one set of panties that were very impressive in………….size………the amount of material to make said panties…..while not really rivaling a US flag at Perkins …………..was still substantial. I found a large empty Jaegermeister bottle near by so perhaps the gal who was “All About The Bass” drank that jug .

The river was really very pretty….it is just amazing how much trash we make…..but let’s talk about Utopia Texas! We did a road trip into Utopia in search of much needed supplies…….Fritos and Doritos ! Hey I’m retired…..gotta live a little.

While in the General store which had everything from chicken breasts to lugs nuts and everything in between.…..the nice gals hooked me up with a sticker for my beer cooler! Shannon asked for one as well and the gals promised to mail one to her! ****The gal who was in charge of the “stickers” was in Mount Pilot for the day ,but as soon as she got back…I was delighted to see how proud the gals were of their town and how happy they were that we thought it was cool too…and wanted a remembrance……in this case a sticker for a beer cooler…but what the hell.

Map quest found us the golf course too!

Seems strange that a town of 373 needs a golf course but hey. We went in the club house and visited with the nice fellow who explained that Robert Duvall stared in a movie in 2010 there called 7 Days In Utopia……not sure what came first the course or the movie. The stone clubhouse was beautiful and perhaps a bit over done compared to what I could see of the golf course and driving range but it is winter after all and cool weather and occasional sleet/snow happens in Texas and golf greens don’t like that shit.

The misting rain had driven one guy indoors to the very comfortable seating/tv area, he explained that he’d forfeited his $18 dollars to his cronies who where still out braving the elements. It was charming the pride these two guys had in the course and the town as they explained the movie and the bit of a real estate boom that was impacting the town as well heeled San Antonio ins ( not sure how you spell San Antonio ins….but I’m betting that ain’t it) bought up chunks of ranch land in the hopes of escaping the brew ha of city life….little do they know that they’ll change Utopia and lose a bit of if not all of the reasons that they wanted to be here in the first place.

We promised to return for 9 or 18 tomorrow if the weather improved…..hell I wanted to come back if it was snowing! I don’t understand why I love to golf so much……I mean I’m absolutely HORRIBLE …wonder how much more I’d like it if I was mediocre?

I licked my chops as Larry worried aloud about not having played for 12 years, how would his titanium shoulder do?, worrying about his arthritis ? his replacement knee?? After listening to him snivel for 15 minutes I wasn’t sure if we were going golfing or I was taking him to the Vet to have him put down……what a Debby Downer!!!

Larry regained my admiration was he strode up to the truck with a 6 pack cooler and announced ” I only have 6 in here,you gonna bring some?” I love this guy! We arrived at the course and after some major trigonometry involving senior discounts, local discounts, and did we have the “home run card” from Druckers General Store? If so we were entitled to another 87% off……”no I don’t have that”….I handed him my CC and envisioned the transaction at Minut Man 10 minute oil in Rockport where I got SCREWED..…..did I mention I hate Minut Man in Rockport ?

Not to worry….the charge for 9 holes with a cart was very reasonable and if we decided to play 9 more at the turn…it’s only $5 each!,! Score!

We hid behind the truck and tried loading the 64 qt Yeti that my friends Brent,Jeremy and Alan gave me for finally retiring and getting the hell out of their way…………anyway…we abandoned this plan when we noticed the front tires were no longer making contact with planet earth. The six pack cooler with 14 beers would have to suffice.

Larry hobbled up to the tee box like Kirk Gibson pinch hitting in the 1988 World Series,my knee,my shoulder,my arthritis…..blah..blah” he had me looking for a Jack Kevorkien he was complaining so bad. Bastard takes a 3 wood and a 5/8 swing and hits it 220 yards straight as a string…………..sandbagger!!!! Larry struts back to the cart like this:::

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I hate Larry….who is he?……Steve Austin?

In West Texas…..there ain’t many trees….I hit three of them on my tee shot……Larry found my ball at 180 yards ” it musta hit that tree at 250 and bounced back” …..right Larry. Nothing worse than you bro making up excuses for your shitty game…even if his heart is in the right place.

Larry and I were neck and neck until the last hole………I’m up by one stroke!!,Larry struck a straight but short drive! Here was my opening! I’m 8 years younger!!! Wait……….I rode life ……REALLY HARD …. those first 35 years…..so maybe that makes us even…… he has a phony knee!!,….and shoulder!!!…….I have fake hips…….damnit!!!! I guess we are even

Which begs the question…….why are two fossils like us even trying to play any sport more physically demanding than dominos????? We belong in a city park wearing cardigan sweaters ,feeding the pigeons,silently wondering how we ended up near the end.

But by god! We were knee deep in a sporting SPECTACLE!!! or was it a debacle?….potato……paatato……..

I SHANKED IT ……..out of bounds…..what a loser…….I duffed it …….what felt like 14 times to the green and putted out………at which point Larry starts babbling some math equation that could have explained the whole time space continuum but instead computes to us being tied…………….what a kind man……and a finer friend……..it’s times like this that you are required to gracefully and cheerfully accept this steaming pile of bs ……because your friend was kind enough to be full of shit …………………………………….

…….just for you

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Larry ever so kindly demonstrates what I was doing wrong:

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Visit Utopia Texas and the kind folks that live there!!**** the fine ladies from the store called the next day and said….” it’s in the mail”