Air Travel and the burning gates of HELL!

As a youngster or even a young man I looked forward to air travel with the glee of a child. They had free peanuts and coke!!!!!and for a nominal fee you could add RUM!! There where young women travelers to attempt to flirt with

and most were kind enough to play along with no intentions of ever letting you get anywhere …without making it obvious to your fellow travelers that you were a moron and you’d been shot down in flames

Now days you are seated next to……..

Now some may take offense to me poking fun of having a large seatmate….but the same folks would have no problem joining me in crying about the crying baby on board????? As my good friend said about my blogs……… “this is satire…humor……some will be entertained….some will be offended”

Anyway our latest trip ….arraigned by my lovely wife and travel agent….is to Maine

Now I could be wrong but getting to Maine from Wyoming is much much more challenging than say……….. Jeff Bezos going to outer space……he wrote a check and some shit started happening for him………we put it on our Milage Plus CC and shit went south in a hurry!!!!

This morning we woke early to clean up and finalize packing….the cab company called to ask if we be ready 15 minutes early……..”uh no!!!” Then we got a text at 5:30 am saying that connection #4 of the cross country digital proctology exam was canceled!!!! The thought of being stuck in Newark N.J. for the foreseeable future didn’t really sound like a good time….but what can you do……..we loaded up in the cab that had been idling in front of the house long enough to get the attention of that Swedish weirdo kid who flys around the world in jets berating my generation for ruining the planet with fossil fuels ….then we waded thru the teenage protesters and leaped into the cab like Paul and John on “Hard Days Night”

The golden age of travel …as it was once called ….is dead….replaced by corporate greed and rude,crass and self important travelers

And in the OLDEN DAZES the attendants although young….where…..young

Now……..they are much more experienced

Cudo’s to this fine lady who put up with idiot travelers for like 50 years

The travel day has been saved by Karen’s laser focus on the United Club!!!! Once in O’Hara airport we sprinted…walked fast….alright….we ambled toward the oasis….an airport haven from the masses……The United Club!!! What a concept!!!! For the low low price of $8,000 for our United Mileage plus CC’s annual fee we can go to the club once….1 time….uno…….but we got free low shelf liquor!!!!……dried out hot dogs…..some sort of guacamole that was produce during the Cuban Missile crisis and a surly bartender who only wanted to discuss her recent divorce …….other than that …the place was great!!! Karen and I alternated going to the bar to order rounds of Chardonnay and Larrys Ole Time Rum (. I googled it…Larrys Rum is $7 for a half gallon). Our thought was that the bartender would never catch on that we were trying to make the most of our one time pass! On my 12th time up there which by my calculations would have been our 23 drink ,our recent “divorcee” said I can only serve you guys 7 more….cool!!! We stumbled to the tram to get to the Q concourse………..the trams are very similar to a cattle car situation ……

everyone jockeying for position shoving and pushing to make sure they get on….

Once on the tram we tried to avoid eye contact

Once at the gate we were able to relax for a few moments and people watch!!!!

Special thanks to Leah our ticket agent in the Casper airport for rebooking our flight thru O’Hara and avoiding us having to try and fly standby! Standby for those of you who may not fly much,basically means you stand around the gate as it boards hoping someone drops dead so you can have their seat….well that’s a bit harsh….you hope they get explosive diarrhea and can’t escape the bathroom in time to make the flight…….those of you who have eaten airport food know this struggle is real.

Our travel turned out better than expected!! We arrive unscathed at the Pineapple Express inn in Bangor! Although the Inn looked a bit rough

We were at least greeted by the smell of weed and a circle of hotel guest standing by the front door like stoned gargoyles………took me back to HIGH School!!!!! Some dude named “Thumper” checked us in

The sign at the desks warned that breakfast had been discontinued and that the vending machines and ice machine were out of order…….probably couldn’t survive the crush of use by the resident stoners craving Doritos and something to calm the cottonmouth.

Our room was well appointed,complete with half done drywall patching and a dried out coffee packet in the Mr.Coffee!!!

Our cab arrived right on time and we loaded up with the continued fragrance of pot as the same stoner crew got their morning game-face on…….do they ever sleep?????