As you may have read,Pat and I managed to lock ourselves out of a perfectly good hotel room in the small town of Kenora Ontario at 1am!!The small 15 unit inn had no overnight desk clerk and the office didn’t even reopen till 11 am! We were in a panic but Pat did a good job of pretending it was a group effort even though I’m the one who pulled the door closed. After several calls to the front desk number that went to voicemail cheerily reporting that they’d return at 11 am we decided that we’d be sleeping in the car….AGAIN!!!

After yanking on the doorknob 23 times trying to get it to magically open and or reassure my very small brain that it was in fact locked and I’d not be picking it with a paper clip like Jack Reacher anytime soon….

we made our way to the rental car. I could tell Pat was a bit miffed, I had after all , with the help of Delta been the cause of all of our delays in varying degrees. Pat being the wonderful friend that he is, assured me that we’d get to fish camp eventually. I silently wondered if that arrival would be just in time for our departure from Maynard lake lodge.

We both tossed and turned for 20 minutes but it felt like 10 hours…..you know how it is when you are begging to fall asleep and it won’t happen .Your brain screams “I only have 3 hours until I have get up ! PLEASE!!

Of course rising early wouldn’t be in play if we can’t get in that damn room. I heard Pat tap tap tapping on his phone and wondered if he was googling “how to strangle your fishing buddy in his sleep and get away with it“. Then! I heard Pats phone ringing an outbound call.???

“Big Brian’s Locksmith how can we help” ……holy shit! Pat is a genius!!! ….made me wonder why I didn’ think of calling a locksmith….but then I remembered I wasn’t even smart enough to pick up the keys when we left the room.

Turned out to be an answering service…but they said they’d contact the person on call…..YES YES YES!! Pat and I waited for an eternity..or 15 minutes before we got the call back from Big Brian……..he didn’t seem particularly impressed that we interrupted his sleep pattern with our tale of stupidity . But Pat and I were more excited than an 8 year old on Christmas Eve!!!

Then the thunderbolt! “ I’m really not legally allowed to open that room because I know you’re not the owner” BUT my hero Pat was on it like the third monkey tryin to get on the Arc. Pat laid the smooth on this dude like a guy trying to fill his dance card at closing time. “Well my passport , reservation confirmation and all my belongings are in that room so I can assure you this is on the up and up” Every time Big Brian came up with something Pat did the

Begrudgingly Brig Brian agreed to get dressed and meet us at the inn in 20 minutes!!We we’re ecstatic, but also fearful that B.B. might waffle once he arrived. Pat: “ stay in the car and let me do the talkin, I don’t want you scaring Big Brian off, you kinda project shady “ Me thinking: that ain’t very nice, accurate perhaps but not very nice, but I don’t care as I’d be willing to be thrown down a flight of stairs,or chaperone teenagers on an overnight trip or sing karaoke in a crowded pub full of strangers if that would get us in that room and eventually on the floatplane .

Pat jumped out of the car as B.B. slid into the gravel lot next to us. Pat, who I love dearly …..is full of shit as a Christmas goose.He’s charismatic, he’s a smiling friendly sort who exudes confidence and those pearly whites and firm hand shake put people at ease

But tonight I was happy he was full of it…Big Brian never had a chance….as a matter of fact Big Brian was thanking Pat for the walleye tackle tips as he was loading his tool bag into the truck . It took B.B. about 12 seconds to get the door open, and in that time Pat was able to have Brian silently wondering ………Pat would make a great godfather,I wonder if he’d consider it?

We bid B.B. a good rest of his night and promised not to have

Anymore tonight

Pat and I leapt for joy at the thought of make our plane!

Even with Brians parting comment that the charge was $ 192 + tax Canadian!

I did a swift mental calculation and ascertained our cost was roughly $125 US or $1,920.00 US……theses foreign currency exchange calculations are extremely involved .

The cost mattered not as the trip from hell was moving forward! The only remaining question…….what else could possibly go wrong?

Thanks Delta, you suck, after finally getting to Denver in only twice as long as it would have taken me to drive,I was greeted with a delay on my flight to CalGary…this after a two hour layover…then another delay and for the coup de grace! Every travelers friend !

The Flight CANCELATION!!!!!!!

The unified groan from the passengers crowded about the gate was audible 3 gates in each direction. It was also announced that we’d be auto booked on tomorrow’s 9 am flight to Calgary and we should gather baggage and head over to ticketing for any questions .

Once I arrive at the ticketing area I notice I was at the back of the line….GREAT. The line was a full swing of a lob wedge that is perfectly skulled ….. so a good 100 yards. For you non golfers when you “skull” a shot you incorrectly hit the center of the ball with the edge of the club instead of the face….this almost always results in the ball traveling considerably farther than intended…..like the parking lot for example, don’t ask me how I acquired this knowledge.

The lone ticket agent retreated to the back after her interaction with the first couple in line, perhaps it was the rather loud “this is f**king bull shit”comment…but I could be wrong. The agents seems to be “hiding” in the back, after a few moments the cat calls started….:hey get out hear and give us some answers”!! That was the politest comment. A chant began…slowly at first and then louder as the crowd grew into a bit of a frenzy!

Seconds before the crowd looked to rush the counter like a Who concert in Cincinnati in 1979 …an agent burst from the back and leapt onto the counter like BRUCE Jenner in 1976

After announcing that West Jet , as a contractor of Delta (who suck by the way) would not be paying for lodging or anything else for that matter and everyone could kiss her ass…she dismounted the counter

only to suffer an injury!!!! her coworker in a heroic move scooped her up

and scurried into the safety of the back office! A few more profane cat calls were heard as the crowd dispersed in search of overpriced food and lodging.Some in the group,like myself felt defeated and struggled with the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

After calling and relaying my continued struggles in the battle with Delta and Sky West to Karen on the phone I thought I detected a snicker?

I suppose the situation would be funny in a surreal and unbelievable way if you weren’t the victim

contemplating surrender aloud to Pat who was already in Winnipeg, he responded with an eloquent but brief speech

Ending with “stop being a p*ssy and get your ass to Canada”

Feeling newly energized by Pats admonishment I set off to my hotel with laser focus on success!! After a dinner of micro chicken wings that looked like they came off of Cornish game hens and 14 rum and Coke’s For the low low price of $112 I stumbled to bed in my $163 room procured by my lovely wife.After a restful nights sleep of 2 hours and 34 minutes I headed to the airport for my 9 am flight. The bastards delayed it until 10:30! I was lucky enough to get the FNG ticket agent,who had no idea what he was doing….

“ I’ve booked your bag all the way to Toronto sir” No no no! I’m going to Winnipeg!! Fortunately the lead agent got it fixed before I strangled the guy

I arrived in Winnipeg and found Pat,a short 2 hour drive and we were in Kenora at a nice inn. We unloaded our bags in the room and headed back to clean out the rest of our debris in the car. Upon our return Pat said “you got the keys?” “No I aint got the keys”

“What do you mean you ain’t got the key?” We were locked out of our $200 room with 90% of our gear inside! And to further the pain the desk was unmanned until 11 am the next day, 3 1/2 hours after our float plane was scheduled to leave!

To be continued

I didn’t break anybody’s heart but I did book air travel again! Air travel is a necessary evil of life, like digital exams and being run over by a car. My good friend Pat and I have been waiting to return to Canada for our annual fishing trip since 2019….THANKS A LOT COOTIE EPIDEMIC !!!

With passage of time we forget the high level of frustration and pain that is todays air travel….this is apparently especially true in the male of the species,we don’t remember shit.

Little did I know that Delta airlines was more than up for the challenge and chomping at the bit to get me more wound up than a three dollar watch.

I awoke at 4 am….an hour earlier than planned ,I wish I could say because I was amped up about catching fish ….one right after another, and drinking beer and smokin cigars and walking around in nothing but my briefs and farting a lot . Now I don’t know about you but my wife told me a long time ago that, shirtless undie parades were not permitted, NEIN , No NAY!!!! I think maybe she got a little bit of that stomach bile you get in the back of your throat ,like maybe when you have acid reflux or like when …..ya puke. But I wasn’t amped up about the joys of the catching VERY LARGE FISH!!! I was amped up like when you started your first day of Jr High and you’d heard all the stories of dudes getting depants and their 501’s getting run up the school yard flag pole. Or the fact that I was now going to be in the same building with my nemesis Scott Farkus!!!!! Farkus had been bulling me since the beginning of time or so it felt. But alas I just traveling on Delta! Who slogan oddly enough is Keep Climbing ….as in…..keep climbing till the window you jump out of is high enough that the fall will kill ya.

I bid my lovely wife goodbye and petted our well behaved dogs

I was greeted with a long line at check in after the kiosk refused to cooperate . The nice young lady at the counter told me my reservation was for the 30th…not the 29th………no no no!!! I have 14 emails and texts messages from Delta showing the correct itinerary!!! I swivels my device for her to see as she did the same…..like two chickens pecking in a barnyard, head up head down…….see lady? …see Mister?

Her death blow was not a right hand to the throat……but just a simple phrase that strikes fear into the hearts of customers everywhere!!! “You’ll need to call customer service”

I shelped my bag to the exit unaware of the superhuman level of stupidity I was about to go toe to toe with. The automated voice hell of Customer Service told us that our wait time was only 1 hour and 34 minutes!! I went with the call back option and after 1 hour and 33 minutes we received a callback and were immediately put on hold, 12 minutes later, a voice came on …with some kind of unknown accent and poor enunciation…..I’m deaf…I wear hearing aids….and they help only a little AND make ya look old ……so I cant understand her and I cant hear her either….I glance at Karen with a defeated look, she shoots back a “watch this buster” look. Karen got the rep off balance and on the ropes right away

but she was a formidable foe of limited vocabulary, that consisted of I’m sorry and NO…..Karen’s relentless pounding took a toll on the rep and after 49 minutes…it was over

I was rebooked and on my way!!!!Or was I???????

My best friend and wife arranged a road trip to Mexico for our 20th anniversary………after I screwed up the reservations and cost us $750 on a forfeited deposit due to poor flight availability ……but thats an entirely different story that I wont bore you with here…..instead I’ll bore you with some other incoherent babbling about nonsensical situations that transpired in varying degrees of truthfulness.

A trip to Mexico used to be pretty easy……….now a trip to the bathroom is complicated enough to make even old guys plan it out……”where is your mask….stay six feet apart, …you need a mask………please put on a mask” AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our trip to Puerto Vallarta was a multi purpose trip…….my purpose was to drink heavily …..eat poorly……get a sunburn….behave irresponsibly ……….go on a $200 boat ride disguised as a fishing trip…drink heavily…………you get the idea. Karen had a bad tooth that we agreed to have a root canal done on in PV……and I felt that this was plenty for her to concentrate on…..because I was gonna be busy being irresponsible.

The cost in the U.S. for the root canal and crown was roughly the cost of a newer home on the golf course here in Moon Pond Az. In Puerto Vallarta Karen was quoted a price that rivaled the cost of a large Yeti cooler!!!!!!! Score!!!

I don’t know about you…but EVERY TIME I try and save a buck….it turns out like when you show up to pick up your high school date drunk and fall into the Christmas tree while her mom is trying to capture the Kodak moment of two teenagers in love….and of course this attempt at cost control turned out just as well….

Karens tooth had a slight infection that once disturbed by the dentist grew exponentially not unlike our recent cootie epidemic……Now I’m not sure how many of you have experienced the discomfort of an infected tooth but it sucks….I would liken it to the pain you get from hitting your thumb with a hammer…or smashing you pinky toe on the nightstand in the dark of night………only the pain is constant 24/7….it doesn’t dissipate after 17 curse words screamed at the top of your lungs….it hangs around like poison ivy or a “date” that you found at closing time when your vision was severely impacted by the consumption of massive amounts of hard liquor !

Karen was a great sport after the first 3 hour long appointment to the dentist………while waiting near the office ,Karen’s brother Jim ,his wife Judy and myself showed our solidarity to Karen’s plight by drinking at a nearby bar for 2 hours and 53 minutes…….

You have to be there for the ones you love you know.

Unimpressed by our glow ,Karen put on a brave face and tolerated our apparent disregard for the situation. In an effort to cheer Karen up I suggested we go somewhere and have a drink……and maybe some chips and salsa!!

I felt so bad for Karen as the swelling in her cheek increased each day and with it , her level of discomfort……But Karen was a trooper….joining in with trips to the beach and lounging poolside…..We also ate out a lot….even though our Condo had a full kitchen…..Karen defaulting to cheese burritos and avoiding anything like Tortilla chips with their razor like edges just waiting to impale ultra sensitive gums.

As the swelling continued,I could tell Karen was very subconscious about it and despite our reassurances of her continued beauty…..It was apparent by Karens new habit of placing her hand to her face for every photo that it really bothered her.

I tried to assure Karen that she looked nothing like

Or like

When I looked at Karen ,I saw

And this

After days of at home antibiotic injections, gallons of Rum and OJ Karen stabilized enough to enjoy the rest of the trip……..or at least Judy ,Jim and I pretended Karen was OK.

We had exciting adventures ……

Like walking down the stairs of death towards the beach!!! Muscle memory is a funny thing….you spend 50-60 years walking steps with a standardized ~~7.5 stair riser and you get to where you can safely navigate stairs shitfaced drunk…..then you go to Mexico where stair cases are constructed by ….people on acid(LSD)….drunk people…….people who hear voices….or lord knows what……The stair vary in hight from a toe catching 11/32 of an inch to 22 inches….think about that…….normal is about ~~7.5 inches….then you have someone…..like me say……who ingests a Bloody Mary, 11 beers,

3 screwdrivers

4 Tequila sunrises and 17 rum and cokes

while baking in the sun for 7 hours….and THEN has to navigate these in an effort to just make it to the bed…..in…the correct CONDO…and bedroom!!!!!!!! Stay away from stairs of death!!!!

Then we had a $200 boat ride …….resulting in 1 FISH!!!!!

I’d guess the cost of the one fish when including beer ,tip and lunch to be around $297 per pound!!!!……I could get a job in D.C. making these kinda of financial decisions!!!!!

Karen was a fantastic patient ….and didn’t complain one bit the whole trip

I will tell travelers that Puerto Vallarta is a absolutely wonderful town chalked full of friendly helpful locals and very happy tourist ,it does however have some very unique fashion choices for sale

Road trips are great…..just maybe not a good idea to couple them with dental work or expanding your day to day wardrobe.

Get out there an beat the cootie virus back into whatever hole it crawled out of…….but watch your steps!

My wife and editor didn’t have chance to review this…….Sooo……I cant be held responsible

Why did my Mom leave me? I didn’t realize how very very much I loved and NEEDED my Mom.

I discovered very quickly how much everyone in my family needed my Mom….My Mother was the caregiver for my disabled older brother for just months shy of 40 years and my dad who became blind in his early 60’s . WTH??? Who signs up for that? No one….thats who…..but there are people out there who are care givers…to unfortunate spouses ,siblings,children, and others who can not fend for themselves

I’m not referring to stressed out Moms,bouncing one child on each knee while chasing the third one behind the couch….while motherhood is tough (near as I can tell) Moms and Dads sign up for parenthood (what I’ll call normal parenthood anyway).It’s a conscious choice………a choice that appears to kinda suck at times…at least to my untrained eye, but also appears to bring unbridled joy,pride,love . This is about caregivers.

Caregivers tend to pass before their charges……now I understand why….you are physically exhausted, mentally spent……My wife Karen and I witnessed this first hand with my siblings as we said our goodbyes at Moms deathbed.

I suddenly realized all the help and effort my brother and his entire extended family had provided over the years back east as I sat smugly in Wyoming providing whatever unhelpful comments I might spew at any moment . Once I grew up and married Karen…we …at her urging starting arraigning 2-4 month trips to CasperWyoming for my disabled brother….he could come out and spend time with our brother and his family in Gillette Wyoming at that same time. Giving everyone involved in a caregiver situation respite is important. All of this is provided as background…as context…..for you the reader…..this is a Public Service Announcement, it not about our unique situation, although I believe this is helping me with all of my emotions,loss, sadness, stress ,GUILT,etc

Give a caregiver you know a hand if you can……I will warn you of my experience….sometimes you may get the brush off …”It’s ok, I got it, he’s my husband (brother,wife mother,sister,insert one)“ Try your best to provide a break for the caregiver even if they try and fight you off.

Spend a few hours with their charge so the caregiver can read a book,get their hair done, go to lunch…or just be able to spend some time alone without the weight of the world on their shoulders. I’m sure everyone knows someone in a caregiver situation, remember that many are so good at it that it doesn’t appear to our uninformed eye to be any extra effort. The effort is nothing short of extraordinary. As I said caregivers tend to pass before their charges……don’t waste another moment,don’t put it off…..days become weeks and so on. If possible “adopt” a caregiver and try and do a regular respite….it is so important to both parties involved….a wonderful byproduct is you will feel wonderful too.

For whatever reason Ive felt introspective lately and I suppose this blog is a result of that. I am not going to post this to faceplant maybe because of its serious nature and it is a bit of a personal revelation for me….peeks into my serious side are unbelievably difficult for me.I’m sure it can be shared thru email from WordPress.

I do however ask you to at least share this by example…..it you can only help out once….thats OK……your caregiver will be forever grateful

Not sure what possessed us to return to Wyoming in the throws of winter………and leave behind the HOA themed palm trees of Moon Pond

I suppose it was/is a love of family………..I try and remember that we have a limited time on this earth….so we should try and embrace our opportunities……..these “Hallmark” thoughts are hard to remember when the wind is blowing in Wyoming….welllll it started in Colorado…..around Craig…it was like…..

Then we crossed into Baggs Wyoming

When you couple the wind…the relentless wind with cold winter temperatures………..it make one question our ability to reason……….perhaps we are just stupid…………..that’s probably it.

The draw of seeing friends and family and spending quality time during the Christmas holidays is extremely powerful

Our Christmas was quite wonderful…….a fine dinner of Prime rib with all the fixings…….we enjoyed great conversation and avoided any talk of politics…..in an effort to bypass the incident of a few Christmas’s back

Of course now days any talk of religion sex politics pro choice pro life Darwinism sexual orientation or even lumpy gravy VS creamy gravy can lead to hurt feelings

Anyway, we also spent a fabulous night with our great friends

whose cabin is in the Big Horn mountains……..and we mighta….. …….drank a bit too much….

Also froze our ass off

Our plan to stay in Wyoming for ~10 days abruptly changed as the forecast stubbornly predicted continued wind and cold!

We had enough…………..but we clung to the visual memories of Christmas dinner that was in our heads like the 16 millimeter movies

uncle Zapruder

Would endless replay each holiday

With happy thoughts ,we loaded the truck and headed south…..kept warm by the hope of endless sunshine, unloseable golfballs and welcomed perspiration.

We made it to Albuquerque the first night thanks to great weather……..Karen had googled “safe hotels in Albuquerque “ after reading that Albuquerque is rated DANGEROUS by whoever compiles crime data.In Karen’s defense finding a hotel that will take twin Labra doodles AND provide some level of safety from the masses that feel your money is THEIR money…..is a tall order. It’s New Year’s Eve!!!! What could go wrong????

I eyeballed the idling black BMW that backed in next to our F250 in the ECONO-LODGE parking lot as we unloaded dogs….dog gearbags……dog bowls…..dog beds…..dog water…dog food and a envelope that contained Karen and I’s personal items…….we had to downsize………….you know….the twins take up a lotta room. Anyway…..by the third trip to the truck another sedan was backed up next to the BMW and what appeared to be ,to this reporter ….a HOOKER!!!!!! Leaning in the window.

Now before all you people who aren’t a cynical jaded grumpy old man like me start complaining that I’m disrespectful for unjustly categorizing this HUMANIOD as a STREET WALKER!!!!….let me give you a bit of detail in an effort to add some clarity for those of you unable to identify a duck when it quacks……..The HUMAN…..PERSON…..had thigh high leather boots on…..

a mini skirts soooo short it revealed to this recently blinded reporter that this person should still be using the men’s room!!!! Think about what I just said…..and Let it sink in.

In desperate need of a drink I scrambled past the negotiations…or whatever it was ,toward the 7-11 just next door…my head now on a swivel……… I try and amble across the concrete past the pumps in an effort to NOT look like FRESH MEAT!! as a dude in a dark color Volvo hops out and beckons me over……my 61 year old brain screaming “ HOLY F***ING SH*T”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TELL myself…..be cool…be tough….be bad….just like in your 20’s!!!! My brain corrects itself……..you were never cool,tough or bad….so give it up gramps!!! I wanted to run to the safety of the light spilling thru the glass door of the 7-11….but…..I’m 61…….I don’t…can’t run….so I shuffle

…..quickly….old guy quickly

The bars on the 7-11 door are cold as my arthritic phalanges hook around the steel ,their permanent twist a reminder of a bar fight or two a lifetime ago,back when I wasn’t smart enough to be scared.I yank on the unyielding door as the Bud Light sign clangs to and fro on the inside……and the clerk gives a bored stare thru the cloudy glass back at me like I’m a specimen in a zoo. I finally notice the Push sign and trip my way across the threshold, my over the shoulder glance reveals my pursuer has pealed off pursuit like a vulture who decides to wait for a cleaner opportunity.

Once inside I notice two cops giving some clown the third degree

I breathed a sigh of relief…..now that there are cops so close, I shouldn’t have any problems!….I pay for my coke and slide out the side door keeping the building between me and the Black Volvo . I slink around the building and come nose to nose with this guy

He says something about “pen- day- hose” and gives me a shove……I quicken my stride a bit

As I reach the Econo – Lodge door I hear pop pop pop! Too frightened to turn and look….I can only imagine!

The 12 year old kid running the front desk says “ DUDE was that your hip making that popping sound ?”

I was unable to focus as I did the mental math on this kids ink…..

he had more wrapped up in “body art” than i spent on my first new pick up in 1987 I then realize it wasn’t gun fire but my prosthetic hip that was making its occasional noises ……..you know like when you pull a rusty nail out of an old 2 x 4 or when you pop your finger in your cheek

I sprinted ………..alright….I shuffled

back towards our room….a nirvana like vestibule of sanity……complete with my lovely wife and two deranged dogs ……not everything can be perfect……my eye detects movement above

Just some woman doing yoga on the balcony above asking if I wanted any company………..I got the perfect company back at the room lady!!!

The food and folks in Albuquerque are great…..weeelll the non criminal folks are great……….but I recommend staying in after dark and maybe do some yoga

My great buddy Pat set up a golf outing at a near by executive course……for you non golfers an executive course is shorter than a “normal” par 72 championship course and is typically a par 62….so there are a lot of par 3’s on an executive course…… my wife the non golfer would say……”oh,that should make it much easier”……..not really

By some sick and twisted whim of the cosmic forces of our world…….par threes are actually harder for recreational HACKERS like me…….the object of a par 3 is to strike the ball ( hopefully correctly) with the correct club and have it gently settle on the green (AKA the putting surfaces) then you have two “ Putts” to get the dimpled sphere of frustration into the hole for a PAR 3!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds simple enough??

But balls, and clubs and even my swing have a mind of their own. They veer off……… down the paths of Hades…… for extended stays there and intermittently return for very brief moments of golfer bliss…..this of course is just a big tease…..like Mary Jo in the balcony of the theater in 1973….what a bunch of crap!!!!

We were 11 forgettable holes into the round and Pat had just put a perfect shot within 4’ of the cup…how could I follow THAT!!!! And then the planets aligned…….As I address my ball on the 12th tee……. A short par 3 of 107 yards…..I notice I had a 7 iron in my hand…….this was definitely NOT the correct club for me for a 107 yard shot……….I should have grabbed the A wedge….which , with its A right on the top of the club looks NOTHING like a 7….this is a common mistake that is easily corrected…..if you are not a moron like me………my internal conversation went something like…” I’ll just swing easier and I’ll tee it up higher, that will negate the fact that its 4 clubs too strong for a 107 yards shot”. This is like saying I’ll just lead the deer a bit more with a 40 MM cannon…….it ain’t gonna work. My mind raced with “ I ain’t walking all the way back to the cart! It’s almost 7 YARDS AWAY!!!!!!

I took a semi discombobulated swing…that resulted it me striking the dimpled sphere of torture ……..high on the “heel”which for you non golfers….is basically the “handle” or shaft of the golf club…….this would be the equivalent of trying to pound a nail in with a hammer and hitting the nail with the handle………the level of incompetence at an almost savant level…………unimaginable in its “badness”

My only thought as I saw the ball take off was at least it wasn’t as bad as Pats swing on # 10

My ball took a trajectory that made the four of us whip our heads dead left………someone let out a low throaty “ahhh” as time slowed …..then someone finished the thought with “shhhhiiiittttt”

The ball was now traveling at the speed of light……….I silently hoped time travel was possible….so I could be transported the hell outta here……..as my ball impacted the adjacent tee box marker with a rifle shot / bullwhip like CCCRRACK ….

we turned in unison…. slow motion like……. towards the lead golf cart…….someone muttered fffudgge

Our ear canal was greeted with the sound of me losing money…the sound of the cart windshield shattering!!!!!!

The shards of plastic glistening in the beautiful sunshine, making rainbowy colors as they tumbled against a bright blue sky….falling harmlessly to the path as the orb of destruction seemed to gain speed as it continued forward toward the warm asphalt ….bouncing….bouncing…..someone muttered “it’s gonna make the green!!!!” Across the freshly manicured apron of the fairway….bouncing….bouncing…then rolling up on the green…towards the hole! This time someone SCREAMED “What the F*CK!!!!!” As it dribbled into the cup!!!!!!!!!

The foursome jumped as one…….a glee like no other…….a hole in one is rare……..I think Tiger only has 3 in PGA events…..and he doesn’t drink near as much as me……at least I don’t think he does

I was mobbed by the guys ….and the three consecutive 8’s that I took on the last three hole were forgotten…..golf is a funny game…..most of the time its about as funny as a car wreck….it pisses ya off

But then you get a good bounce or actually hit a shot correctly…..and…you are like “hey this shit is easy”

The most misguided rule in sports is that the golfer that gets the hole in one….has to buy everybody a drink……what a bunch of crap!!!!

As the shouting subsides I do a mental math calculation…….”there is only four of us and Pat doesn’t drink booze……this will be cheap!! Just then I heard Pat on the phone…………”He got a hole in one!!!!!!! Come down and have a drink!!!”

We roll up to the clubhouse and the Bar

I shout to Pat “Who are ALL these people?”…..”Well maybe I shouldn’t have posted it on snapgram “ was his reply

The folks I did recognize as fellow golfers and residents of Moon Pond were so very congratulatory and truly happy for my lucky feat…..and even the homeless people that had been bussed down from Sun City West were happy……people love to see others succeed …even if it cost a new windshield and a 401K withdrawal

Special thanks to Pat,Bud and Brandt for sharing a great moment with me….sorry you had to watch the other 97 swings …and to all my brothers on the D.D. who were kind enough to come help me celebrate!!!

As both of my loyal followers know, Karen and I head south each fall

in my loosely veiled claim that “my arthritis just can’t take the cold anymore”……the reality is I’m too lazy to shovel snow,I’m too cheap to pay someone and I can’t display my really crappy golf game in the snow!!

So like the last few years……we “staged” gear and items in a corner of our dinning room until the white rain and temperature signaled the moment was upon us to load up the Mc 5er and get the hell out!!! The gear pile started benign enough as Karen neatly boxed and stacked a dish or bowl or small kitchen appliance that qualified as “oh that would be nice to have down south”….I kept eyeballing this pile as the days slipped away….and became weeks……..as it grew………

each day as I walked past the pile , I would peer out the window and look at our fifth wheel known as the Mc5 er

and back at the pile….like when you try and eyeball the evenings leftovers and decide which Tupperware will contain it all!

My extremely intuitive wife noticed my nervousness and declared “ I got three bowls in that pile! “

What about all that fishing gear and golf crap of YOURS?????

Unable to defend my “pile” which was 5 times the size of Karen…….(not Karen’s pile…but 5 times the size of KAREN)!!!!, I culled the herd with the look of a beaten man………….but not before trying a few old tricks from my 4th string JR High wrestling team days! In an effort to “make weight” some guys would clip their nails….really…….or run around in the hot shower with a rubber suit on trying to “sweat it off” but the worst idea of all was …..

Even I’m not that crazy…..I pulled all the 2-3 -4 -5-6-7-8 and 9 irons along with ALL THE WEDGES out of the golf bags as I can’t hit any of those clubs anyway…we also removed the very uncomfortable couch from the Mc 5er

AND removed the spare tire……hey…thats what we pay AAA for!!!

Now we were almost within striking distance of the safe towing weight!!!!

Our trip south was strangely uneventful???? A true curiosity for Karen and I……I’m usually able to interact with some human who should be put down or at least excluded from procreating because they have mashed potatos for brains ….or I exhibit my own brand of stupidity….thus supplying myself with unlimited material for these useless blogs……but alas stupidity was on vacation……or at the least in hiding!!!

I searched all across the state of Utah for stupid as we visited Moab , The Canyonlands N.P. And the Arches N.P.

I will say the liquor laws in Utah are perhaps stupid but certainly bizarre ……….thanks so much for protecting me from myself by not opening the bar until 4 pm …..WTH!!!

We (Karen) secured a reservation at a Moab RV resort!!!!!

Not exactly our style……….being from Wyoming we prefer….elbow room…….open space camping …disperse camping…..we don’t mind being able to see other campers…….we just prefer not to be sooooo close that we can SMELL them……We made the best of it with day trips to the wonderful National Parks nearby and the breathtaking scenery.Only trouble with National Parks is they are policed by policies designed to protect the natural beauty from the moron masses…

this leaves those of us who have an I.Q. OVER 75…….

feeling a bit over policed , we travel with our dogs, Etta & Otis. You may have read about them……..if so ,you understand why we think long and hard before leaving them on their own……must be how my folks felt leaving four teenage sons alone in a house with a unlocked liquor cabinet and strike anywhere stick matches laying around…..

Anyway N.P’s do not allow animals on any of the trails…….and they MUST BE LEASHED AT ALL TIMES!!!!!!

certainly a good rules………but a pain in the ass for people like us with perfectly well behaved children .

The Twins

Needed a place where they could run….so we headed to BLM land in Arizona.

We played fetch

I’m gonna have to lay off the beer before fetch……

We walked in the woods and enjoyed a favorite Wyoming pastime

But alas….we soon longed for out destination….Moon Pond Az.!!! A oasis in the desert !! A 55+ community chalked full of characters!!! And I suspect a veritable HOTBED of blogging material!!

The gated community has rules and shit…..like gates maned by The Patrol

The Patrol….near as I can tell is staffed by folks with some law enforcement back ground but just plain clothes and no…badges

I speculate that you don’t wanna get on the naughty list with Patrol!!

Soon our social calendar was teeming with activities!!!! Gala events! Golf! Dinner Parties! Golf! The Pool! Golf!……..the thing with golf is…..it really is just an excuse to drink beer at 11 o’clock in the morning and cuss and smoke cigars, and drink whiskey and cuss and then….it you have time…..you whack that infuriating little white sphere…..and if you are like me…shortly after impact you moan “ Not OVER THERE! What are you doing going over THERE??????????”

We are firmly settled in now…..but I will tell you that vacuuming fake grass in the yard instead of mowing is a little bizarre ………and chasing leaves around and around with a leaf blower is a new experience for me…….most people down here hire this shit done…….but I can’t play golf poorly EVERY day

I know this rambling was more disjointed and discombobulated than a Trump/Biden speech and for that I apologize.

First off if you ever have an opportunity to visit Maine……do it! Absolutely beautiful country….from deep deep woods to breathtaking coastline and lake’s galore

We had a grand time visiting my wife’s old friends who are now my new friends! We fished, and hiked….well they hiked….I watched them…..as they walked into the distance…I drank beer.

There were trade offs….no cell or internet service…no TV!!!!

But in Nicks defense ….he cowboy’d up and fished everyday until he caught the biggest perch we’d ever seen!

Maine is stunning…..and known for its Lobster……

Having never been to Maine I was required to have lobster at least once…..you know ,its a tourist thing….fortunately for me, Karen prefers bovine to any crustacean or ANY seafood for that matter. I was eternally grateful for Karen’s culinary preferences once my Lobster roll AND bill arrived at our table

I had never seen such a tiny hot dog bun before……it was like a slider bun…..for

The roll had about 1.5 oz of chopped lobster on it…..I believe I’m accurate in my guesstimate as I had extensive experience in high school calculating weight based on ounces and even grams and once even kilos…….anyway that brings the cost per pound to roughly $ 234.67 a pound ………but these things are dangerous to catch from what I understand

In all fairness to Newark we were only in the airport……the land of $23 screwdrivers……”add a shot for $6???”….so apparently it would have been $29 for a screwdriver X 2 = $58 + ~ $10 tip = $68 for TWO drinks……EVEN I didn’t want a screwdriver that bad!!!………..While in the Newark airport I did observe several “Big City” folk…….they were easy to spot as they bumped into you while jockeying for position at the bar or baggage counter or belly bumped you back into your seat as they vied to be the first to exit the plane even though they were in row 37……

alas we all have our habits…..rude or otherwise…borne from our surroundings…..our habitat………..I recall from my youth , that big city behavior……was normal….for the big city……once in Wyoming I was quickly and repeatedly admonished for …….boorish? behavior…..and to set the record straight….41 years later I’m still being corrected. Anyway, everybody…everyplace is different….try and remember that when you let the little old lady exit the plane ahead of you and you are then trampled by 14 people trying to draft Granny like a Indy 500 racer……and who’s idea of way out west is going to Philly.This is not to say that small town living is better than living in the big city……..but I prefer Caper Wyoming to having to sharpen my ninja skills just to go to the mailbox or 7-11

……..I’m sure they would say I’m soft……….BUT I’m from WYOMING………..let them try and survive riding a horse 20 miles into the back country to camp only to realize you have to store the vodka bottle in the crick to keep it cool because ice doesn’t travel well on a sweaty pack mule ……and forget about mixer!!!

Or trying to hang on when your pony “Ole Paint” decides that mud on the creek bottom doesn’t feel right on his hooves and proceeds to try and separate you from the saddle as well as your very own extremities!!!!!

Anyway this wasn’t about Wyoming vs New Jersey ……shit…..I don’t have any idea what this was about……….

I guess it was suppose to be about stereotypes and assumptions about different people and places……….everywhere has so much to offer….New Jersey is the Garden State! And home to abundance wildlife

Maine is stunning and more than $200/# lobster

Wyoming is more than Jackson Hole

Apologies to both my Jackson friends….I thought the shirt was hilarious

As a youngster or even a young man I looked forward to air travel with the glee of a child. They had free peanuts and coke!!!!!and for a nominal fee you could add RUM!! There where young women travelers to attempt to flirt with

and most were kind enough to play along with no intentions of ever letting you get anywhere …without making it obvious to your fellow travelers that you were a moron and you’d been shot down in flames

Now days you are seated next to……..

Or

Now some may take offense to me poking fun of having a large seatmate….but the same folks would have no problem joining me in crying about the crying baby on board????? As my good friend said about my blogs……… “this is satire…humor……some will be entertained….some will be offended”

Anyway our latest trip ….arraigned by my lovely wife and travel agent….is to Maine

Now I could be wrong but getting to Maine from Wyoming is much much more challenging than say……….. Jeff Bezos going to outer space……he wrote a check and some shit started happening for him………we put it on our Milage Plus CC and shit went south in a hurry!!!!

This morning we woke early to clean up and finalize packing….the cab company called to ask if we be ready 15 minutes early……..”uh no!!!” Then we got a text at 5:30 am saying that connection #4 of the cross country digital proctology exam was canceled!!!! The thought of being stuck in Newark N.J. for the foreseeable future didn’t really sound like a good time….but what can you do……..we loaded up in the cab that had been idling in front of the house long enough to get the attention of that Swedish weirdo kid who flys around the world in jets berating my generation for ruining the planet with fossil fuels ….then we waded thru the teenage protesters and leaped into the cab like Paul and John on “Hard Days Night”

The golden age of travel …as it was once called ….is dead….replaced by corporate greed and rude,crass and self important travelers

And in the OLDEN DAZES the attendants although young….where…..young

Now……..they are much more experienced

The travel day has been saved by Karen’s laser focus on the United Club!!!! Once in O’Hara airport we sprinted…walked fast….alright….we ambled toward the oasis….an airport haven from the masses……The United Club!!! What a concept!!!! For the low low price of $8,000 for our United Mileage plus CC’s annual fee we can go to the club once….1 time….uno…….but we got free low shelf liquor!!!!……dried out hot dogs…..some sort of guacamole that was produce during the Cuban Missile crisis and a surly bartender who only wanted to discuss her recent divorce …….other than that …the place was great!!! Karen and I alternated going to the bar to order rounds of Chardonnay and Larrys Ole Time Rum (. I googled it…Larrys Rum is $7 for a half gallon). Our thought was that the bartender would never catch on that we were trying to make the most of our one time pass! On my 12th time up there which by my calculations would have been our 23 drink ,our recent “divorcee” said I can only serve you guys 7 more….cool!!! We stumbled to the tram to get to the Q concourse………..the trams are very similar to a cattle car situation ……

everyone jockeying for position shoving and pushing to make sure they get on….

Once on the tram we tried to avoid eye contact

Once at the gate we were able to relax for a few moments and people watch!!!!

Special thanks to Leah our ticket agent in the Casper airport for rebooking our flight thru O’Hara and avoiding us having to try and fly standby! Standby for those of you who may not fly much,basically means you stand around the gate as it boards hoping someone drops dead so you can have their seat….well that’s a bit harsh….you hope they get explosive diarrhea and can’t escape the bathroom in time to make the flight…….those of you who have eaten airport food know this struggle is real.

Our travel turned out better than expected!! We arrive unscathed at the Pineapple Express inn in Bangor! Although the Inn looked a bit rough

We were at least greeted by the smell of weed and a circle of hotel guest standing by the front door like stoned gargoyles………took me back to HIGH School!!!!! Some dude named “Thumper” checked us in

The sign at the desks warned that breakfast had been discontinued and that the vending machines and ice machine were out of order…….probably couldn’t survive the crush of use by the resident stoners craving Doritos and something to calm the cottonmouth.

Our room was well appointed,complete with half done drywall patching and a dried out coffee packet in the Mr.Coffee!!!

Our cab arrived right on time and we loaded up with the continued fragrance of pot as the same stoner crew got their morning game-face on…….do they ever sleep?????

Air travel isn’t that bad…………..if you like the smell of body odor,seat mates invading you personal space, drunk rude people,clueless people……..ETC

Get out and spur the economy!! But remember to bring your own munchies!!!