How is it possible for a drivers license renewal to be more complicated than my hip replacement?

You need your old license, hair follicle , passport, urine sample,water bill, SS card, stool sample, ancestry. Com report ……perhaps I exaggerate….. but come on man!!!

I’ll refrain from bringing up voting rules in comparison……..oh wait….sorry….NOT!!,

You take a number and then stand in the parking lot in the blazing sun because they dont want too many citizen in the waiting area spreading the cootie virus….when I peaked in the window hoping to see one of the DMV people about to shout out my number I saw…..

Next I went to Walmart in Gillette Wyoming……now I didn’t realize they still did the Family portrait thing ….like we use to go to Sears and Blow Buck for back in the days of polyester jumpsuits ,wide collar shirts and leisure suits…but they do…….

The world is chalked full of absolute fruitcakes……am I still allowed to say fruitcakes?

Can someone please explain these two wack jobs to me, and why Walmart lets them take portraits half dressed???

Maybe I’m slow…or old fashion….but these two should not be making more weirdos ……..I suppose thats unfair of me….perhaps this little guy will be a successful politician once he gets elected after never having had a real job his whole life…….the new “American way” I suppose.

I guess blogging about Walmart is a waste of time as all of us visit there enough to experience the “white underbelly of humanity” on our own without me blathering on about it…………..

so the next stop on the weirdo nesting train is…..

Keyhole State Park

It is a great place to camp and fish

Karen doesn’t even really like to fish…..and she kicks my ass every time

That bit*h

While out for a walk along the shore we came across this………weirdo……who was fishing with a rubber……..a condom….WTH!!!! Who even thinks of these things?

He called it a Krappy Killer!! I think there were some mental health issues going on there………….although …..when I spoke with him we had a great conversation……….he is a highly educated person , a veteran and based on our limited discussion……..very intelligent ……BUT… he was fishing with a condom…….Weirdo alert!!!!!

I came across this vending machine in Chandler Az. Who gets out and about and decides that “ Oh wait…..I need some false eyelashes “??

Or what about these weirdos

This was at a golf tournament in Parker Co……..I mean what can you say?……..it is Colorado ……..weed is legal there !!!!

I’m sure I’m outta touch but someone please explain to me why you think you need barnyard animals to effectively do yoga?

Next it was off to the Big Horn mountains!!

This wine tasting was somehow affiliated with some “latex and rubber clothing “ group

There were crazies EVERYWHERE!!!

While I’m busy making fun of every other weirdo …….I must admit that while I try and be inclusive and understanding,I know it doesn’t always come across that way…..but I’m human….just like EVERYONE else……and I try and be nice and hopefully never hateful….all any of us can do is try.

And remember….never……

I can say I’ve never tattooed a fetus on my belly……but I’m guilty of being a weirdo myself now and then

Try and remember,all anyone (well most everyone ) is trying to do is live their life…….the best they can……usually people express themselves……for themselves……..and it’s not an effort….to make my head explode……..at least I don’t think it is.

Now go out there and live life like no other liver ever lived

DON’T….Just throw yourself in front of a bus and get it over with.

Now many might say…I’m a man of zero patience . I can say in all honesty that may be too kind of an assessment.

I will however say that I think I’m as reasonable as the next guy ( OH MY!!!! I meant to say person NOT guy…I’m so sorry to all I’ve offended ) when it comes to understanding the constraints of material delays or scheduling snafus . That said I don’t think Ive ever had a contractor that wasn’t the main reason for the bullet wound in their own foot!!!!

I was going to insert a images of a bullet wound to the foot…….but they were soooo disgusting that even I had to pass.

So the plan was to make the yard a bit more dog friendly and also Karen friendly by adding artificial grass and a flagstone seating area. This required the contractor to remove two trees and create a mess and then vanish just like

After contacting the FAA to report the missing contractor… I reviewed the progress out back……holy shyt!!!

The twins Otis and Etta..

Were chomping at the bit to investigate the “oh so tempting barren DIRT!!!!!!!“

Amelia showed back up 4 days after contacting us to say he’d be by in the morning!!!!!WTH!!!!

Some of the examples of the miscommunication on this project cant be made up…its TOOO out there

I spray painted the outline of the setting area…….twice! The crew erased it by raking the rocks around……I cornered Amelia and said put it here!!!!! I painted the outline once again while he watched….Karen reiterated……”between the two drip systems heads, right here where this BLACK PAINT is” OK?…..Amelia : Si , yes,it’s ok,Si ,yes

It’s not like they put the flag stone down in the next door neighbors yard…..but its pretty close to being that far off in my mind………. it was 8 feet to the right…….EIGHT FEET to the right is a LOT considering the seating area we want is only 10’ diameter …I do understand its not heart surgery ….but 8’ right of center is like opening up someone’s shin to work on their heart….this caused me to start thinking about getting early with happy hour….then Karen had a brilliant idea….offer the crew a beer…and ask them to move it!!!! 9 beers later they were calibrating their level by using it to screed the dirt……not exactly the way to treat a level…….but I’m sure I’ve done worse….without 9 beers..

Amelia moved the flagstone ..but only 4 feet! So now the sprinkler head is in the middle of the seating area!!!After considerable negotiation by Karen the contractor assured us that after he cut the riser and buried the 1/4” drip lines it would be fine. My thoughts returned to the 47 bicycle trips for sprinkler parts to the local Ace hardware which is only two miles away and we are in Az which is flat for the most part. But somehow the wind always blows in your face regardless of the direction of travel. I guess I should be thankful for the forced exercise

Maybe it was unrealistic for me to expecting the crew to avoid the heads that I meticulously dug up and marked so they’d be able to see the direction of travel for new branches. After replacing one head 7 times

because it happened to be in the area where the operator liked to pop wheelies in the Bob Cat to show off to his bros…I lost my shit

After my tantrum Karen gently explained that perhaps the contractors expect to destroy the drip system to some degree during construction and just deal with the repair part at the end of the project……….I hate it when she is soooooo spot on….and I’m an idiot

The contractor (Amelia) tried and succeeded in one upping my stupidity by leaving his unlicensed Bob Cat trailer in front of our house for nearly the time it took Noah to fab up the Arc. I had mentioned that the HOA “Patrol”

Gets VERY testy when it comes to trailers left on the road side, sure enough three days AFTER Amelia promised to help me with the drip lines and remove the trailer the “Patrol” put a “REMOVE this pile of crap” sticker on the trailer….I’m sure I’m in the doghouse with Patrol now and can expect citations for my rocks out front not being all the same diameter ….just the first of many fabricated transgressions to come

Fortunately Amelia showed up and removed the trailer under the cloak of darkness

In the end after 14 more Home Depot runs, Karen and I had the outdoor space we envisioned……..and most of all the Hounds were happy!!!

The contractor did a good job….and just behaved like any contractor……I was stupid to have thought he would behave in any other way…….I’m sure there is a class they have’ta take that teaches them to show up late….disappear for days on end…..forget the agreed upon scope of work and smile a lot while saying “sure no problem,si no problemo “

Over and over

Karen and I have been staying in a house here in Chandler Az…..in a 55+community called Moon Pond . The community is like any other, friendly, a bit cliquish and full of different personalities . I’m trying my best to avoid the “keeping up with the Jones” pitfall, but it tough when you see some of the well heeled folks. In a new state, environment , neighborhood, you wanna “fit in” thats human nature, but boy does it feel like high school sometimes!

Almost immediately I discovered we’d be trying to “keep up with the Adams” because we had no chance of graduating down the alphabet to the land of The Jones. This was apparent by witnessing the favorite vehicle of transport…..the golf cart!

Some of these things cost ….A LOT!!!!!!

And just like high school, you fantasize…..if only I had a 1969 Camaro like that a$$$hole Frank Delimba…I could be cool too…

in this case 40 some years later…. it was a 2021 EZ-GO four seat golf cart for transporting your friends to the CLUB!!!!

A cart boasting 30+ MPH on high capacity lithium batteries at $1,000 each! Bluetooth speakers for blaring out Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and Justin Bieber ………alright…maybe not Justin Bieber………..but…you might sneak in a Cher jam once and again……….where was I? LED Bluetooth interactive accent lighting that is similar to staring at the sun

And requires you to trailer a small nuclear power plant behind the cart…. ……custom gel coat paint job complete with 13 clear coat finish to ensure your head explodes On the first scratch!!! Custom wheels & tires who’s cost rival the GNP of many small nations.Backup camera for when you are too juiced up to turn and look over your shoulder and a GPS so you can find your way home in the dark

Propane heater, rooftop AC unit………….REALLY? AC in a golf cart???? I should have gone to college…. or at least worked longer and saved a TON more cabbage!

I rode in Marsha’s cart the other day and it had a lift kit !

Planning on driving thru the sand traps Marsha Marsha Marsha??????? It is surprising how raising the cart just a few inches…while making it look cool as shyt….can cause you to catch your shoe on the cart floorboard thus causing you to Faceplant into the drivers seating area……..this is especially bothersome when Marsha is already seated………well….at least for Marsha it is.

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Anyway all this pressure to fit in caused me to start looking for a cart….a cart we can afford…..this apparently is a limiting factor of epic proportions….as a brand new cart can be close to $30,000 if its tricked out!!!so I thought……..check on faceplant marketplace……..maybe I’ll find a deal on a gently used one!!!!!!

I found two carts that fit my economic status and meticulously listed the pros and cons

The first one was a piece of shit

But it had good rubber!!!!!

The second cart was a piece of shit too

Cart number two just needed a little air and some soap and water!!!!

BUT cart #1 had that retro look that I thought would resonate with the “seasoned” residents ….I was after all trying to fit in the new “hood” and trying to not get de-pants by the membership…………..I mean really….the thought of being de-pants by a group of 70+ year old dudes was even more frightening than the threat from Peter Shagdick and his homies back in Junior High in 1974

Karen and I ………..well……Karen painstaking cleaned and waxed and cleaned and waxed………….and then told me I was an idiot ………and then we took out a 401k loan……..and just a few short… …..well….many months later the golf cart restoration shop called….wanting more cabbage……apparently my vision…..of our dream cart….

was more than the estimate!!!!.

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The delivery guy explained that the restoration shop…..restored the cart to “my economic level of monetary means” which I think means………..they stretched our cabbage as far as it would go….then stopped work.

After the delivery guy gave us the keys and left the building,Karen and I took it for a spin!!

We stopped at the little tiki hut on the course at THE CLUB and tried mixing with the regulars……..remember how it was as a teenager if you wandered into the wrong kegger or for those of you who weren’t complete derelicts like I was…….maybe the wrong “mixer” where you knew right away that there were different tribes or cliques and it was wise to “mix” with the correct group …so,you attempt small talk anyway….and just like your youth you discover people are different….some are aholes but some are also welcoming and friendly. While chatting with this friendly dude-

I mentioned that the new cart was acting a bit sluggish….he recommended several shops….as he is a man who has TWO carts!!!……I on the other hand……was thinking….DYI……..I use to be kinda handy…when I worked….before I became a supervisor……but that was…like……30-35 years ago. But…what the hell…how hard can it be???

After troubleshooting with a couple of YouTube videos…….I felt…like…. I had no clue what I was doing….but thats kinda my normal MO.

I discovered that the boneheads at the restoration shop wired the thing WRONG!!!!

But I thought maybe I should only move some of the wires……I mean these guys do this for a living! So I just added some jumpers + to – a little duct and ba bing ba bang!!!

That was one of the noises it made when I hit the gas…….and it startled and scared this guy teeing off

And he hit it fat

This guy

Yelled FOUR!!!

This lady was tough as nails!

And yelled FIRE!!!

Our beloved cart gone in an instant!! Damn duct tape!!!

The Club is talking about legal action for the destruction of the 18th fairway….glad we got insurance!!!

Ive always had dogs…or perhaps dogs have always had me?? I like big dogs, mainly I guess because is hard to imagine camping ,fishing ATVing ETC with a dog that requires transportation in a baby buggy!!!!!I like cleaning snot off the side of the truck…..from door handle to bumper hitch …placed there by ecstatic hounds loving life thru flapping jowls ,runny noses and ears like wings….ready for take off !!!!

We are currently residing in a 55+ community called Moon Pond…….its a great place with friendly people for the most part….but it is a cross section of the populous so a certain number of assholes

are thrown in just to make sure all parties are represented and we don’t have anyone feeling left out…….heaven forbid anyone should feel left out!!!

now based on recent behavior I may be the asshole…thanks to Karen’s two bundles of joy!!!!

Like I said this community has a representation of all humanity…….small dog lovers…

cat lovers……….

really weird people who don’t like animals………..but in their defense……..I’m not comfortable around children….

And One neighbor who is a sweet lady

She has a few cats and

Offered to have our dogs come by and play with her cats……….uhhhh…..lady….it doesn’t normally work that way

One afternoon as we returned from furniture shopping……which while I’m on the subject…..is about as much fun as researching political candidates to determine which one is the lesser of a idiot so you can decide who you are voting for………anyway….we exited the truck and turned loose the bundles of joy……….apparently we did not notice the twins laser like attention towards the yard across the street…and they bailed out the door like they where part of

The Army Rangers or something!!!!

It all happened soooo fast!!!!!!!! Like when you chop your finger off………one second its there……then its not…..but it seems as no time has passed??????? How can that be??????

And just like that…..the dogs were in the truck one second………and then they where in Cat woman’s HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! I raced across the street as fast as my old legs would waddle……..my feeble mind racing….alright……jogging……….alright…..my mind was out for a stroll “please don’t eat the cat…..please don’t eat the cat”……….And our sweet neighbor says…. “look….Otis just wants to play” and I thinking Etta’s the one we gotta worry about!!!She is a “Stone cold killer”

As I arrived inside the home ……I am alarmed by the havoc that a 7 second cat /dog fight can produce!!!

I straighten the end table and place a single chair back on its legs as I herded the hounds towards the door….just then kitty made a surprise flanking maneuver!!!!!

The dogs and I slinked across the street as Karen did damage control with Julie Newmar

As if by magic….every neighbor now stood in their driveway…..materializing out of thin air …………alerted by all the noise….now gazing at me in disgust….and projecting a singular message for me and the twins……..

1) doesn’t this kind of I’m better than you behavior make you secretly fantasize about doing something bad to their car?? Park (correctly) in the “north 40” if you are worried about a door ding asshole!!!

2) 1978 Dan Aykroyd on SNL

3) Keith Moon 1946-1978 Drummer for British rock band The Who famous for drunken drug fueled destruction of his hotel rooms, similar to also deceased Led Zeppelin drummer John Henry Bonham…..(be careful stick man Todd Gillie)

4) Muhammad Ali standing over Sonny Liston 1965

It has been mentioned that anyone who did not go to Jr High with me has trouble understanding many of the photos I incorporate into my drivel…….not that most can follow my written references either…..but….I cant help that……..anyway…. I’ll try and add some identifying info in the future …….be safe…but more importantly…be silly

We needed to go camping , like a back alley junkie…needs a fix ………..

……alright………maybe that’s a bit overstated…….But Karen, a proud Wyoming native her whole life of 37 years and myself a wanna be native who arrived at 19 years old…..which at the time was about what my IQ was……….we were jonesing * we needed the outdoors! After spending two months around Apache Junction and Sun Lakes with its laidback “resort” feel ,we still needed to get away from all the people!!!!!!

Off to AJ we go to retrieve the Mc5er from storage!!!After trying to remember how to hook the @^&&(^7& thing up for 20 minutes I finally remembered my “duties”…..you see in the RVing world the bulk of the population is couples…….oh god call the pc police I’m sure I just offended all the single RVers……or the ones traveling with 3.2 kids and a dog named Benji ….

my apologies to all the RVers who wear their epidermis on the inside of their bodies.

Anyway each half of the team has important duties , During the set up or “unhooking” of the Mc5er for example….Karen first lowers the front jacks until the weight is off the hitch, then Karen unhooks the hitch……I then carefully place the bag of Fritos on the passenger seat to avoid spillage (this would alert Karen that I’m sneaking junk food again) …I carefully pull forward 5-6 feet, place the truck in park, turn ESPN radio back up and get back to work on the Fritos. Karen chocks the tires, drops the rear jack thus leveling our Mc5er! I carefully pull the truck around so Karen doesn’t need to carry the two 75 # Honda generators, gas cans and spare oil very far….After pulling the 3 slides out,setting up the lamps, sweeping the floor and rolling out the rugs ,Karen gets the outdoor ** rug rolled out along with my lawn chair, I then climb ALL THE WAY into the back of the truck to retrieve a beer, climb back down….close that heavy a$$ tailgate……and present Karen with the first sip!!!! RVing……like a great marriage requires working together! A team effort!!

After settling in , Karen suggests a hike!

Being the huge fan of hiking that I am, I started stuffing my pockets full of Fritos and Coors light………..people have starved out there.

As I mentioned before, Az. has two kinds of foliage , foliage that draws blood and that fake grass the rich people have installed in their backyard (because real grass doesn’t like 115 degrees)

Etta and Otis were beyond excited to GO!

The dogs raced to FREEDOM !! ahead and back and left and right with the glee of Andy Dufresne!!

My mind wandered to our Last Will and Testament……trying to recall who would get what if…..if……we didn’t make it……and like most males my mind darted to another random thought….and another ……”do I have enough Fritos? “

“What ever happened to Peggy Lipton?”

“Why are bubbles round”?

Karen remembered our water bottles for the hike and I choked some down at her urging…….I don’t drink enough water ….I don’t even like water in my scotch

We rounded our first bend in the trail….and ran into some dude! He looked familiar

But it was just some random dude with a beard ……..like the other 150,000,000 people who feel the need to be unique by growing a beard

and don’t get me started on being unique by impaling a extremely sensitive body parts with a piece of Stainless Steel or my all time favorite The cranium tattoo !!!!!…

……….sorry…off topic again……like most old people I have a hard time staying focused! NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!

But Az is chock full of cactus….and it can be dangerous out there!!!

Whatever enjoyment there is to hiking……its completely lost when every second…..I mean EVERY second is spent admonishing your dogs “GET OUT OF THERE”! “WHAT ARE YOU EATING?” “SPIT IT OUT!” DROP IT! DROP IT!!!!!!!!!! “DON’T EAT THE CACTUS!!!!!!!!

Fortunately they refuse to sit still when you try and remove the cactus!

So you

Get

This

But sometimes ya discover stuff ya never knew existed

Get out and do some social distancing !!! Who knows maybe you’ll channel your inner botany gene like me or discover a new cereal !!!!!

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** An outdoor rug is required when ya go outside but you don’t want to be sooooo “outside” that you are actually standing on DIRT. I don’t get it either…….that’s just the way it is

#1 Lighting and sound towers at the August 1969 Woodstock Music and Arts Festival

#2 Shawshank Redemption ….main character Andy , longs for freedom

#3 1968’s TV show The Mod Squad

#4 NOT OUR FRIEND Jermey….just some dude with a beard

My pal Doc

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and his buddies have regular golf outings!

His one buddy Mike is like a 1 handicap…..which basically means I should be cleaning his clubs…and not playing golf on the same course as him

Mike has a great short game

He chips in all the time!….for you non golfers…that’s hard to do! I skulled one in once….but they tell me that’s not quite the same…..but as the saying goes…”They don’t draw pictures! They use numbers” which for you non golfers….means, it doesn’t matter that it was purely accidental………. that my “mistake” went in the HOLE………….IT SILL COUNTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHA!!!!!!

Doc pals are a friendly bunch….one guy

They call him “Shooter”…..I think Doc gives them all nicknames….ya know….once they are accepted into the “clan”

Anyway Shooter musta had heatstroke or something

Cause I saw him kinda “steadying“ himself on the “Beverage Cart” gal??

Then next thing I know…she has to take drastic medical measures!

That Heatstroke must be some serious shit!!…That gal didn’t hesitate……she accessed the situation and took control…thank goodness she was here to help Shooter!!!

Then Doc’s group decided to let a group behind us play thru….maybe they wanted to check out their backswing …………waiting ….was kinda odd to me as the group behind was 3 holes back?.? But I’m a crappy golfer so maybe this is just the way you do it…..we waited on the tee box for 20 minutes until the foursome rolled up. The first three golfers teed off in spectacular fashion much to the delight of the group

The fourth gal

launched a speculative drive towards the trees!!! What transpired next must be an Arizona thing as I’ve never witnessed such a thing on any other golf course

Shooter and couple of the other guys jumped in their carts and races towards her ball in an effort to help her find it!!

It was like

The Oklahoma Land Rush!

Guys jumping in carts ,racing towards her ball!!! These old straight hitting bastard’s are a helpful bunch!!

Unfortunately

She hit it into the TREE!!!!! Shooter offered to hit it outta the tree for the young golfer as she was a bit subconscious about her shorts…..

Shooter was hellbent on impressing Ms Short Shorts and took a Mighty Swing…….anyone who has golfed for a while can tell you that taking a Mighty Swing is pretty much a guaranteed FAIL!!

Shooter….did not disappoint!!!! He yanked the ball dead left

The……ball…the club….Shooter……Ms. Short Shorts…..all in slow motion

The ball cut a rocket like path …..even in slo-mo….dead left……impacting a adjacent tree trunk….Shooters club….well it was Mikes club that Shooter snuck out of Mikes bag when he wasn’t looking…….the club……snapped in half at impact!!!

Boomerang like…..spinning…spinning….through the air…….whoosh…whoosh…….like a Huey………moving into a hot LZ. The group as one….following the flight of the shattered club……..I hear a yelp catch in someone’s throat….and the group…………has a moment of unified clairvoyant vision…..as one ……..we realize the club is headed straight for “The Gambler” ……that’s what Doc nicknamed him.

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Mr Rodgers bounced right up after the club beaned him right in the gourd!!!!…..these old bastards are tough!!!

Just then we heard a thud as Shooter fell outta the tree!!! The golf ball had bounced STRAIGHT BACK!!!!! We ran over to help him up and discovered the dimpled sphere had got Ole Shooter right between the running lights!!!!!

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At this point I realize all this excitement has left me parched………but alas………Doc has beaten me to the punch again!!!!!!

I was left to yuck it up with the foursome behind us

Golf is like a box of chocolates………….so let someone play thru…….at grocery store checkout, let someone cut ahead…….at an intersection…..on the course…….or anywhere in life

None of this happened….well…there was some golf….that happened

As we travel we meet all sorts of folks….some are strange and some should be put in a care facility before they hurt themselves or others due to “Advanced Stupidity Syndrome “ or ASS for short………alas the vast majority of folks are kindhearted and good folks with a dash of simple mindedness thrown in for good measure and entertainment value just like you and I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Faces look ugly when you’re alone”

I like to golf……well I try and play golf……well I have golf clubs……well…I’m pretty bad at golf……..someone told me “if you can swear and drink beer you’re half way to being a golfer”…….I got 49% to go! When you golf you need friends to golf with…..or you get paired up with strangers…who happen to wanna golf at the same time you wanted to golf….seems benign……but if you are socially awkward like me this creates a huge source of nervousness and anxiety……Normally you get paired up with nice folks who are for the most part, just like you…….a crappy golfer!!!!!!……….I played with some strangers the other day….Jimmy and Jerry**….for some reason it is a LONGSTANDING golf tradition to forget your new found golfing friends name before your gloved hand retracts from the now normal fist bump greeting

my good friend Jimmy from Casper taught me to write down their name IMMEDIATELY on the score card….this works great IF you write it down in the first 3 seconds……….my new golf partner Jerry did NOT get the memo and for some reason though my name was Kerry

I tried to correct Jerry several times…..but like most husbands and ALL old guys he was too deaf and too busy’s talking to hear me……I figured what the hell…no big deal……….BUT …..after 3 holes Jerry starts calling me Larry!!!!

I’m thinking what the ??????

About this time , his bro Jimmy steps in and tells Jerry..” you moron,,,,his name isn’t Larry….its Jerry”

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Im thinking who are these TWO?????

Right after playing musical chairs with my name Jimmy informs me that he is a real estate agent…………….I’m not real sure what is going on in Sun Lakes Arizona BUT you cant swing a dead cat without hitting someone claiming to be in real estate

I sh*t you not….every time I’ve been paired up on the golf course down here……one of the golfers proclaims “ I’m in real estate “ or “my wife is in real estate” ….. “My brother is an agent” “my neighbor is with Broker 12” “You looking to buy????” and as you might imagine….they ALL proclaim to know what’s what in the local market

I suspect that sometime prior to 1912 statehood a group of real estate agents headed to Sun Lakes

When they got here they musta started …..you…know…..

Anyway ,,,,,,,I went into the clubhouse the other day to watch golf on TV…….(apparently watching golf on TV is not well understood by spousal units…;but thats another story) And these 55+ communities really groove on being Country Club like………so ya got rules….normal CC stuff…..no dropping F BOMBS…….no eating with your fingers……..no wearing horizontal striped shorts with vertical stripped shirts …..no urinating in the parking lot…..

you know…….”the usual” stuff……..I notice one of the rules stated that men must remove their ball cap….so I uncovered and smoothed out the 8 lone hairs on my peach like dome…….

when I noticed the younger female server “eyeballin” me……………….just to clarify , ANYONE under 60 at these places is younger……

“oh how far we have fallen”…………………

…anyway…..I notice many of the other men still wearing hats….perhaps “Bambi”was impressed with my ability to follow “the rules”

I did also notice several of the female members giving me the once over!!!!

Perhaps the younger server and the Country Club ladies where giving me the look because I’m new?

As I strutted toward the babes I glanced at the wall mirror…….prepared for my image and the affirmation of my studdlyness !!!!!

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Even though I am occasionally told I have Hollywood looks.

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I was horrified to see my reflection!!!!!!..

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I had SERIOUS HAT HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my!!!! The ladies and younger server where not lusting after my rugged good looks and Sam Elliot like voice…….they were entertained by my HAT HEAD!!!!!!!

I recommend dive bars over Country Clubs………………..those highfalutin people are toooooo judgmental.

*** no cats were hurt during this blog….only feelings

** names have been changed to protect the innocent

This was one of the rare blogs that actually happened….sorta close to how it is written………hope you were entertained

Not this kinda threes!….they say bad luck or unlucky events come in 3’s I think that myth was perpetuated by some bastard that never had any bad luck!

We ambled across Colorado into Utah and the last leg into AZ and the hope of unlimited sunshine……golf balls that go straight ………and nothing to shovel but your own trash talk on the golf course………Karen booked overnight stays at convenient KOA type campgrounds along the way……when traveling in a RV you try and land somewhere well ahead of happy hour…..partly because you are a thirsty old retired guy but mainly because your hips , back,neck ,legs but mostly my bladder……..dont like all the driving and they belong to an old retired guy.

Continue reading “They say they come in three’s…….” →

Oh wait! Wrong Willie!

We are on the road again ,headed south in an effort to escape that white shyte! We gathered and stacked,cleaned, put away and generally ran in circles trying to close the house and make ready the Mc5er!! Holy crap we got a lotta CRAP! Fortunately I engaged my brain before berating Karen for bringing what I viewed as too many shoes and clothes…….a quick mental inventory of my necessities and I determined it would be a bit hypocritical (and a bad move from a husband perspective) given that I packed 2 pair of golf shoes,golf sandals, light and dark colored flip flops for wearing before golf, hiking boots,tennis shoes ( just in case I worked out,,,,yeah right) 4 pairs of Crocs………4 pair??

a drone,4 fishing rods,two tackle boxes, an air compressor,two generators, enough CBD oil to land me in federal prison,……..ahhhh shit! I just realized I forgot underwear !!!!!! Dollar General here I come!!

I hope we are not overweight!

Another thing I miscalculated was Etta and Otis and their expanded size……….one would not think that going from 17# and 28# to 42 and 62# would be a big deal…..but in a 5th wheel that at times feels to be the same square footage as the tree fort that Dave Picoora and I built in the woods behind the house back in 1970…..its a big deal! The bigger deal is the Twins have amassed a lotta CRAP too! 3 leashes, 3 sets of water and food bowls, spare collars, Spare bells for their collar for when Otis chews them off of Etta’s neck, Heart-worm pills, anti dander pills, anti flake shampoo,anti tangle conditioner, two combs, EVERY DOG BRUSH EVER INVENTED!!!!! 4,682 poop bags………alright,alright….I know Ive bitched about this before…………American pets have more possessions than many people in third world nations!

We made it to I-80 which traverses Southern Wyoming going east to west and its never ending caravan of semi’s

Wyomingites are forever grateful for the shear ugliness of the terrain along I-80….the moonscape quality is what keeps people out Wyoming,it keeps our population low…..of course the hurricane like winds, -20 degree winter temperatures and lack of a Cheesecake Factory franchise kinda turns people off too.

We are happy to be on the road again, anxious to reach each stop on the way,as we search our memory to try and remember how to park this thing and set it up without involving a divorce attorney ……..each campground,KOA or dispersed camp area has its “sights”

We’ve made it to Meeker Co. and the “Trail and Hitches” campground which seems to be inhabited by drunken hunters,oil field workers and down on their luck souls tying to survive. As I’ve blathered on before,our great land is chalked full of diversity, prosperous folks ,folks clawing to survive and everything in between. We are lucky enough to have plenty to be thankful for………..like 4 pairs of Croc’s

The Trail and Hitches campground could easily be named the “Nothing but Fu^king mud everywhere campground” fortunately for us Otis and Etta LOVE all things MUD. Now Karen on the other hand is not nearly as enamored with mud and painstakingly laid “dog towels” on he floor to try and contain the whirlwind that is THE TWINS………..it didn’t work.

I understand that this post is a bit disjointed but it is due to a lack of material….we have had limited human interaction…..as you know that’s where my best material comes from….STUPID PEOPLE!

So we are off today…in search of what make America great….stupid people! …OK maybe not great………..but certainly entertaining !!

Say tuned to find out how I got the frozen shitter hose off the ground!!!Wait a minute……………..maybe I’m the material??????

Karen and a group of her High School buddies do a Friends reunion each year….some are sweethearts from all those years ago…..those of us who are 20-30 years late to the group have been welcomed to the gathering with open arms….although no effort at inclusion can replace life long friendship …..the stories….oh my! What wonderful memories……mostly of stupid ….youthful Tomfoolery

Think for a moment….of your closest friends of your youth …your early days…when your canvas was still being painted ……when you were young….idealistic…….perhaps a bit….uninformed in the ways of the world…..but you forged ahead…together ….unaware of how precious these bonds were….and would become….decades later…..wives and husbands and children later ………relationships that didn’t survive later…. and many times we can’t imagine how we made it thru the tough patches ……….but for most of us we made it thru with the support of our earliest friends………life seems to produce tough…..and even hellacious times for all of us and most of us get through it…….sometime with a shoulder to lean on….but usually …..a phone call or email or even a text is all it takes to help us square our shoulders and move forward…..warm in the thought of togetherness….hopeful for better days thanks to friends who were there when you bought your first razor….in some cases they were there when you stopped pooping in your pants!!!!

The friends reunion as it has become known……..is a 3-4 day get together ….with monikers like “Hell in the Hole” “Mayhem in the Meadow “ Debauchery in Denver” and “Chaos in Casper “ just to name a few

These outings are generally camping trips………well if you call camping in $20-$30,000 campers…camping……maybe we should just call it drinking outside???? Anyway…….we all require better accommodations than we tolerated in 1975.

stay happy Karen!!!

Ive spoken to many folks who don’t have friends from way back …..this seems strange to me because I have buddies I met in the forth and 8th grade that I routinely speak text and email across 1,600 miles ! I know that the “Friends Group” (Karens pals) are there for each other! I suppose that sounds cheesy…but how cool is it that you can call someone you’ve knows since

1969!

I guess the point is…..be there for others….be they pals from when Nixon was President or someone you just met……I myself…….enjoy it when I actually remember to be nice……Seriously both times is been sooo cool. Give it a try!!!

Karen’s friends reunion is a great way to connect ………the wonderful thing about true friends is there is no need to reacquaint ………..our great friends in life are there always………..always………regardless of the miles of separation….regardless of all of life’s interruptions …..the tugs of careers……etc

New friends are like good stew they…just need time to simmer then they become great old friends!

Great friends can be

Dads

Moms

Brothers

Strippers!

I MEAN SISTERS!!!!

More brothers!

Go and call a friend from way back

I double dog dare ya!

* Bob Dylans Dream……written by…..well….Bob Dylan