Now before anyone gets their skivvies in a bunch……….Im not some entitled rich bastard that is gonna bemoan the fact that having a mountain cabin is a lot of labor………….oh wait…………well we are not rich….that’s for sure………but Im a gonna bitch………its what I do…..its like a hobby…….its like needlepoint for some…or golf for others…..I long for “perfection” in my bitching……I wanna break 80, in a round of bitching

Each year as you gather equipment and supplies to open the cabin….staging it in the garage so it can look like some pile of misfit rejects from a garage sale

You ask…”how in the world did we acquire AND require sooooo much crap?”

All I know is I remember camping with Jimmy , Duncan, Robert and Terry among others when I first arrived in Wyoming….sleeping on a tarp and sweeping snow off when we woke…………..very hungover of course………so we went from what some would call “minimalist “ camping to glamping ……but its been a gradual change …..encompassing over 40 years. My great, first friends in Wyoming , taking me , the greenhorn city slicker from Pa. out to experience the wilds of Wyoming for the first time. Robert expertly preparing breakfast….eggs complete with campfire ash…..this is why the the pioneers never got colon cancer…all the ash in their food.

One stark difference between 1980 and 2020 ………..we dine much better…..notice I said dine not eat…..1980 would consists of

Now instead of slurping a room temperature $2.50 a six pack of “large intestine cleaner”

We savior a chilled Kendall Jackson or a top shelf Scotch swirling around a giant “ice ball” ……..that’s how ya wanna camp

Of course we…..ok I’m ………not so fancy that i dont love a forgotten afternoon that escapes memory after a 10:30 am Bloody Mary followed by several beers into the lazy afternoon….maybe with some Red Ryder BB gun plinking….or horseshoe throwin…..or Bocci Ball…..or just sitting enjoying the light breeze that funnels thru the covered porch .

Remember brushing your teeth with beer because nobody ever considered bringing water? At 19-20 the only water I drank was by accident in the shower each morning. Digging a cat hole for your morning constitutional? Squatted on blended knees that supported a 140 # frame? Not sure I wanna try that at my age and certainly at my current weight….which might require one of those poolside crane thingies.

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Remember packs of hamburger floating in the cooler of pink water? Trying to flip burgers with a stick because the camping groups shopping focus was mesmerized by the Jack Daniels display offering two for one?????

with nary a thought of utensils…buns…condiments…….the worry of forgetting the beer and ice,,,, screaming in our collective frontal lobe……….I remember being enthralled by Jimmys demonstration of washing pots and pans with the sand in the creek…..the clear cool water dislodging the bits of carbon that began the culinary experiment as eggs…..watching the minnows downstream …..just feet away….feasting on the blackened specks ………..only to go belly up …..succumbing to the Jack Daniels marinade that Robert applied to the egg scramble……in his heartfelt attempt at staving off the imminent hangover that awaited us as we sobered up…..Ahhhh those where the days and what a thoughtful bastard …that Robert

We were lucky enough to be invited to Jimmys family cabin many times….sometimes with his families knowledge….but most times it was on the down low……..what adult in control of their mental faculties. would want 3-4 or 6-8 drunken 19 to 23 year olds invading the family compound……a cabin that survived 40 + years of the worst that Mother Nature could throw her way? NO ADULT…that’s who…that’s why Jimmy normally ….as any good son would do…..sparred his folks the mental anguish that accompanies any gathering of very young adults near cherished family heirlooms!!!……..A very wise son that Jimmy…..always being vague about that particular weekends camping location….” I dont where we’re gonna camp ma….somewhere in the Big Horns….maybe around the cabin somewhere”

I’m happy to announce that some images of those camping trips have been discovered by none other than…….Geraldo!!!!!

Apparently Geraldo didn’t come away empty handed in Al Capones vault all those years ago!!!!He FOUND these photos!!!

Somehow by the grace of the cosmos……..we all survived……..I for one have survived “into” an old guy who likes to go to bed at 8:30 WITHOUT the aid of JD !

Karen and I are lucky to have the cabin…….a real bed to sleep in,not the bed of a pick up with dogs farting all night and waking you by standing on your crotch

But most of all a place to share with family and friends.

No more waking up with someone else’s underwear on your head either!!!

This virus has really gotten us all down, and while it certainly has caused heartache and misery, I’d like to focus on the more trivial repercussions ……in an effort at humor.

‘Humor is the best medicine” as they say….spoken by the guy that doesn’t desperately need a vaccine…..or somethin……….

So who remembers when this whole rodeo started? I think we all have our own timeline…..as humans….as people…..we tend to put things into our own personal perspective …………you know…..shit ain’t real till some moron buys all the “anal floss” or hamburger

One of many questions I have for the “hoarders”….where the hell do you keep all this food and these dry goods?…………………….During the beginning of this “no anesthesia permitted colonoscopy “ We were traveling in our fifth wheel (the Mc5er)……so storage was limited……the freezer is roughly the size of 4 ice cube trays………sooooo you can have ice for cocktail hour

or you can have a bunch of frozen animal protein………we bought a 50# bag of rice…….so I think we are ok.

We returned to Wyoming after almost 6 months of travel….2-3 months that will be remembered as the “How strange can it get event of 2020”…..alright maybe that’s a bit of a mouthful …..it will be remembered as “something”.

As is the will of Wyoming weather we skidded into the driveway just as the flurries started…….We hurriedly unloaded the Mc5er as the hounds of Baskerville hit the dog door at a velocity rivaling a corner at Darlington speedway….fortunately for us , Otis and his ample kister hit the door at an angle that caused the hinges of the door to rattle…….6-8 more times of that and we’ll be rehanging the door……..Thanks Otis. As the snow started to pile up we brought load after load into the house, meticulously stamping our feet in an effort to keep Mother Nature outside where she belongs………we discovered on our thirteenth trip into the house that…….Otis and Etta missed that memo and wanted to commune with nature……this is achieved by racing around the now snow covered yard…..then chasing each other thru the dog door at the speed of John Glenn….slamming into the dryer…ricocheting off the pantry door only to lose control and hit the water heater with such force that if not for the piping holding it in place (for now) it would have toppled over…………..as if this scene was not enough to break our spirits , the sight of the debris …the cloud that engulfed the pups as they raced past

Pigpen like……but with leaves and sticks and dead grass….but most of all snow….lots of snow…..as most are aware….snow melts when removed from its natural environment.

Otis and Etta were either unaware of the concept of thermal exchange or just didn’t care……lucky for them they are cute

But enough of puppy cuteness……..

As I shoveled the walk the next day…..I approached the neighbor next door doing the same….we hesitated…..at 8 feet…we did a little head nod and an abrupt about face ,

in the olden dayz we would have exchanged pleasantries about the weather….about how he misguidedly hates the Steelers…..how I have a rather healthy disdain for the Broncos …and as he turned to return home…I’d have deposit two shovels full of snow onto his newly shoveled walk…….Bronco lover!!!…..but none of that harmless jocularity transpired………..we are in the midst of a “cootie epidemic “

The weather cleared and we’ve welcomed spring as best we can……Wyomingites like everyone in the winter states , long for the advent of spring….the glee of reading your book in the struggling spring sunshine on the patio…even if a sweatshirt is required…..the joy of meeting friends and loved ones on the patio of your favorite watering hole……..where you enjoy the warmth of the rays on your face as the group expounds on the summer ahead….the fun we’ll have…together……but we cant do all of that stuff right now….so we need to do the best we can….and try and support one another………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….unless you are golfing

While golfing…..you can still talk sh*t…even if you are walking for the first time since Nancy Sinatra rocked “These Boots Are Made For Walking”…………….In an effort to avoid the costs of cleaning the carts and common areas…the Muni decided to allow free golf…..but you had to walk………well this sounded like a good deal on the surface……just like it did to the pioneers of old………the reality of old fat people like me schlepping 14 clubs (11 of which are worthless because I cant hit them 72 yards…or straight) 17 sleeves of balls….because it takes a lot of balls to golf like I do …….a rain jacket….4,782 tees, winter hat…….flask of whiskey……second flask of whiskey in case the first flask gets a hole in it, 14 golf gloves….13 of which have holes in them because Im too cheap to throw them away…..golf sandals….spare golf shoes….14 pairs of golf socks…..score cards from the last 72 rounds. 87 golf pencils (hey they are free!) the tee wrench to adjust the angle of the club face on 3 different clubs that hit crookedly ……. and $73 in loose change…..by the third hole the course looked like

But really it was like this….with golf bags being lightened…. debris everywhere!!!

And soon we saw the carnage of golfers trying desperately to lighten their load……….just as their ancestors did during the great westward migration………grannies piano….Moms side board….jettisoned from the prairie schooner in an effort to SURVIVE the horror of the walk ….golf balls, hats,jackets clubs…littered the course ….with each hole the tossed gear increased…..until….we came to the ultimate sacrifice……..a shining example of one golfer giving up himself to save his foursome from impending peril

Greg , Dennis and I were more fortunate as we played 7 holes in just under 5 hours and left our beer in the truck.

There are plenty of ways we can survive this troubling time….golf is just one…..its exasperatingly infuriating insanity causing allure , just as strong as in the days of shared carts, shared flaks, high fives and no need to drink 14 beers on the front nine like the guy above( unless ya wanna)

Try and get out and camp, fish, golf, read in the sun, call your Mom……do something…..but safely

And dont forget

Get out and live….

be a liver!!

So a short list of what has been destroyed and or consumed by our extremely lovable canines( by no means comprehensive)

Arizona Gazetteer….Texas Gazetteer….Wyoming Gazetteer….Phoenix map X 3……TV Remote……4 pair of Kellys golf socks….Soft sided Steelers cooler…………5 x 7 area rug………3’ tall southwestern vase……electrical wiring to heated/massage theater lounger……two throw pillows….rear passengers seatbelt out of a 2018 F-250…….Orvis dog hammock for Ford F-250….F-250(kidding)…….137 page manual for solar charge controller…..4 drip irrigation heads……3.5 tons of landscape rock…..yard/landscaping of $450,000 Arizona home we will never be invited back to……many many many receipts (staples included)……RV sewer valve cap…….EVERYTHING made of cardboard…..SIL’s yard in Baton Rouge….ball point pen

It’s been almost 5 months for Karen and I AND the pups to be away from home……we have to keep reminding each other…..er well….Karen has to keep reminding me that they are only 9 months old. We have been fortunate that Etta and Otis travel well in the back seat…entertained by ….whatever fits in their mouth….pens…maps…seatbelts…the “cone” we bought for Otis to wear after being neutered ….yes…he ate the “cone”.

Karen’s sister and her wife may just write us out of the will after we scheduled the neutering and spay operations for Monday and then booked a flight to Cancun for Wednesday…….. I think there is a special place in hell for people like us……..knowing that we were bound for eternal damnation for leaving stitched up pups with relatives with full time careers………so we self medicated with margaritas daily in Playa Del Carmen to avoid the thought of our dastardly and cowardly deed.

Fortunately we all survived ….even if we are no longer welcome in the state of Louisiana.

We really did have a great time with Kathryn and Irina in Baton Rouge…..parades……drinking….binge watching Netflix….eating HIGH cholesterol food….parades….drinking…..repeat,repeat until we found a human liver cowering in the corner of the living room one morning as we sipped Brendons and coffee…….the liver…..whimpering…and muttering…over and over again….” no….no more…..please….OH GOD* no more”. We ascertained that the liver must have escaped from one of last nights party participants….perhaps Alan…..or maybe Greg….or Nathen…..not our problem we decided……and refilled our mugs and an extra cup for our new pal…Mr. Liver

With the impending “cower in place “ order for Louisiana hanging in the balance…we made a dash for Texas before the order came down…….and while we didn’t want to leave Kathryn and Irina and all our great friends……that damn liver was starting to creep us out, he was a twisted looking bastard…and crazy eyes….we struck out at day break ,headed west for the promise of better things…a land…the rumors said………of plentiful Lysol wipes….where troubles melt like lemon drops high above the chimney tops…where TP is on the back of every pot…………………we arrived at Village Creek State park in a drizzle that….as luck would have it………..shit lasted the entire three days we were there….but we had ample supplies. (Doritos, beer)….The social distancing thing was taking hold of all of us…almost subconsciously….you found yourself greeting the next camper…from afar…or at least a few feet more than normal….very strange times…..but everyone we came across….had an air of “we’ll get thru this”…Im sure all nations claim this bravado as their own…but I’m an American and i claim we invented BRAVADO and I know this too shall pass…………we got news that Louisiana gave the “drink in place “order as we pulled into Galveston State park

The road was a sound stage for TWD….not a soul in sight…..not even a liver….we pulled up to the deserted Ranger booth to check in and were happy to see a “out to lunch “ sign as opposed to Carl or Glenn laying about……Good camp ground with water and electric…Otis and Etta got to experience the ocean for the first time

Yes….Otis…and ..then Etta…..got the screamers

But at least there were no more blue ink pens eaten

Be safe…be kind….and help one another…its fun…..living is fun….be a liver!!!

* SPECIAL THANKS TO IRINA

We didn’t intend to be renegades but it worked out that way!

We booked two weeks at a very high end RV resort in Mesa Az in February …oh my! Pickle ball…tennis….swimming aerobics…..weight training….golf outings….shuffleboard…..bocce …….table tennis… jewelry making….woodworking…. cycling trips…..softball….radio controlled car club…….flea market……live music (this is open to interpretation as some bands were…..how shall I say ….OLD)

Best of all they had a bar!!! With the bar and semi live music comes…….sad to say…..line dancing……….and I know Ive whined about this before……..so just get over it already………remember acceptance is the first step

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now …..Im sure Al Sharpton or someone like

Will be along directly to admonish me for be less than PC…..for being a….a…a… BOOMER!!!!!!

Line dancing should have had the common decency to fade to black just like .

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But for some reason line dancing won’t die! Like some zombie!

Anyway I suppose if watching 70 somethings line dancing is all I got to snivel about I’m doing pretty good……….and after all the folks doing the dancing seemed to be having a ball.

Speaking of a ball…..I went down to the softball fields in an effort to relive the youth of my 50’s…..to observe the caliber of play………..well that was an ego crusher…….these 60-70 year old guys were better and faster than me in my 30’s!!!!! What a bunch of crap that was!

Karen cooed “its ok honey, you have two fake hips, no one expects anyone to play softball with those kinds of limitations” Just then some dude in shorts and a prosthetic leg , lines one into the left field gap for a stand-up double…..dude musta been 80!!!!!!!!What a bunch of crap!

Karen: “lets go watch pickle ball !” What a great wife……I tried to act cool at the suggestion of scoping out a sport more suited to my rapidly deteriorating body without letting on that I saw thru her attempt to save my self image …….getting older…..What a bunch of crap! As we ambled toward the pickle ball courts, I thought of myself playing ball “back in the day”.

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Then I realized , I was no longer that guy….I was more like this “guy”

Karen could tell I was in need of a competition fix! So we signed up for the “ pickle ball for beginners “ class…….they should have named it the “How to embarrass yourself while pulling muscles you didn’t even know you had” class…..what a bunch of crap! Karen allowed the ball to “come to her” as the saying goes…..Kelly……..on the other hand ….ran around like

Karen did quite well….especially considering that sports are not her thing………I….on the other hand….in a desperate attempt to recapture the athletic prowess of my youth……or even my ….middle age……looked like an idiot………..I did however manage to score two points against my singles opponent ……….it was apparent to me that this guy was not a beginner…..frickin sandbagger!!!!!!!!!

While departing the Hoity Toyty camp ground I apparently exceeded the 5MPH sign……….really.??????……5MPH…………Hell Im dying at a rate faster than that……….not sure a fossil fuel burning vehicle can even go just 5MPH !!!!

Anyway after getting my ass ripped and told that they didn’t need “my kind” around here anyway! I shuffled back to the truck…….happy that we escaped these High School Bullies……..could have been much worse…………

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If I had a following and perhaps a publicist I’d be worried about alienating some demographic ……..but seeing as I’ve never thought about the repercussions of my verbal or written gibberish……suffice to say I don’t care.

I suppose i should apologize before I go into some old man rant but….nah.

After spending two months in the Arizona sun

complaining about all the old people who can’t drive and all the younger people who drive like crazy people to spite all the old people who cant drive…….we were scrambling to clean up and close the rental house in order to fly home to Wyoming to spend Christmas with family

Id still be packing and cleaning if not for Karen……anyway, I ran to Apache Junction to store some stuff in the Mc5er while Karen “fixed” all the cleaning Id attempted the previous day.

So……I have time constraints as I drive the 25 miles…….we have a punch list 3 feet long before we can go to the airport……AND I am famous for a level of patience that rivals the head of a pin……………I was born that way….get over it.

I thought I’d get a hair cut on my way back to Chandler, in the olden days of my flowing mane I’d have gotten 2-3 estimates first as costs estimates could swing wildly.

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I googled hair places as I drove like a crazed old person and eventually came across a sports cuts……having never been in one but assuming Id get to watch NFL reruns while 20 something women cut hair and pretended to listen to my old guy babble , I thought this is gonna be great….WRONG, there were three other dudes in the stadium like waiting area…….the receptionist who looked to have fallen face first into a fishing tackle box recently or perhaps was a product tester for a body piercing manufacturer gave me the all too familiar …look………….“ great !!!!…another decrepit boomer”!

Over her shoulder three 20 something gals jabbered on about the “fashion segment “ on QVC! Where the hell was football!boxing! Rugby!!!!! the three ignored their empty chairs and the three dudes in section C row F that had taken on the appearance of recently expired people….cool grey pallor unblinking unseeing eyes………

Receptionist ( AKA RapalaFace) : “ Did you make an appointment online”!

Me (AKA Boomer) : “No, I just need a quick trim”

Rapala Face: “ use the ipad there to set up an appointment”

She says this as she watches a faceplant video on her phone….never making eye contact or pretending that she gives a crap that I want to give her/them some of my money…….. “ fill out the questionnaire and take a seat,Jordan will be with you as soon as she is free”

Not sure which one of the 20 somethings was Jordan….hell maybe all three of the airheads staring at QVC and or their phones were named Jordan…….but there were three empty barber chairs…..three guys who had been waiting awhile….three airheads doing nothing….and myself….Mr no patience…Mr Im not filling out a questionnaire while you watch puppy videos on your phone….Mr Im STANDING RIGHT HERE!!!! Why do you need to know my address,phone #, alternate phone #, age,gender, how I heard about Sport Cuts……………all I want is a trim…………Im not interested in getting to know you……..Im not filling out paperwork that would rival organ donation requirements……..!!! I turned on my heels and headed out the door……as I stepped into the Arizona sun I heard one of the Jordans exclaim : “Look at that beautiful skirt Pippen”!!!! I guess they all weren’t named Jordan

I know….I know…they look so cute…….It reminds me of being a kid……we’d be all cute and funny in the audience of Mom’s friends and relatives and then we’d get in the car and a 4 boy WWE CAGE MATCH would ensuethen once home ,we’d do something mundane like run over each other with the RUPP minibike

Or catch the woods behind the house on firePuppies are quite the opposite……….they seem calm and semi well mannered while walking on the leash and practicing their other kindergarten homework………….then you get them to class and they act like congress, or….

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My mothers forlorn refrain reverberated in my balding dome

” my boys are normally ….pretty well behaved ”

I muttered something similar about our puppies behaving so well in the park just before we came to class………Our teachers look of disbelief didn’t bolster our spirits……..

Karen bathed Otis & Etta while I lost golf balls on Bear Creek (bare creek) which boasts almost 2 acres of grass…..two acres sounds like a lots of grass until you disperse it over 6,000 yards and 18 holes…….it roughly works out to fairways that resemble my thinning dome…with hairs or in this case blades of grass on 1 inch centers…….I digress….

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Karen worked very hard to clean up the puppies……and although much easier than washing a cat….washing puppies is a one way street where you try and contain the mercury like puppy and all that water, while said puppy expends all their superhuman like energy to ensure a complete bathroom remodel is required. After washing,shampooing, conditioning, foo foo spraying and towel drying to a magnificent fluff , Karen PROCLAIMED SUCCESS !!! .

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.fortunately this is NOT one of our pups………..

a unique and extremely endearing quality of puppies, and I assume infants , is their heartfelt efforts towards reversing ANY efforts by their humans to keep them in a presentable state of cleanliness…………………….alas…resistance is futile

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.After releasing the hounds to sun dry near the pool, Karen took 3 minutes to relax over her book……… we all have had this experience at one time or another…..you are mentally jolted to a new level of awareness……..HOLY CRAP!!!! It’s toooooo quiet.

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.Racing into the backyard like an Olympic sprinter…. Karen

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.FOUND THIS!!!!!!!!!

We immediately contacted the Marshal of the local neighborhood watch!!!!

Mrs Kravits assured us it was highly unlikely that a daytime cat burglar came in our backyard dunked the hounds in the pool then dug a hole rivaling the Mariana Trench ….rubbed their feet and faces in the red dirt and then slipped out the back undetected. I call bull sh*t………….our babies are perfect and would never do anything like dig a hole….eat the tree, eat an ENTIRE potted plant dirt and all, eat the irrigation system, eat the spray nozzle off the $14 bottle of PUPPY REPELLANT, eat a cactus. I contend that Ottis was trying to back fill the hole under the fence that the cat burglar made !

I tried to block out all the negativity that had been aimed at out perfect bundles of joy as we drove over to puppy kindergarten graduation and the “Participation trophy” ceremony.

Karen and I were very thankful that our dear friend Karen let us use her home in Arizona. We are hopeful that the puppies wear and tear ( complete destruction) of certain household furnishings , textiles , cookware, knickknacks , reading material , landscaping and the very structure itself will not negatively impact our friendship.

As you can observe from the action photo above these 55+ communities are a hotbed of activity! You will also note that the female to male ratio is roughly 47/1!!!! Now if you are a male….this is the best news ever…..if you are a female this translates into you and all your besties competing for what amounts to table scraps. Let’s face it guys….most of us are no prize and many of us are lucky that our spouses put up with our poor self-centered behavior. Unfortunately for the single ladies living in these communities….this means they are rummaging through some pretty slim pickings . Most all the singles moved into the 55+ community with a wife or husband of many years and sadly lost them to illness at some point or perhaps just smothered them in their sleep. I would think that being thrust back into singleness at the later stages of life is a shock or maybe a blessing for some?

The 55+ developments really are a great deal for most folks even though I poke fun of it……..well!!!!!! What else would you expect?????

There is tennis and golf and pickle ball and exercise classes and pools and …well just all sorts of stuff to do!!!!!!

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AND there is a bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

watching these folks in a bar is just like we use to do it in the olden days before faceplant, we’d just make eye contact with the lucky lady of interest and give it a little Joeywhile this has some level of success it also results in a open palm to the face but most often the advances were met with hysterical laugher…. we enjoyed greater success with “someone farted,lets get outta here” ………….you see we didn’t have snapchap or tinder or E Harmony or Match or any of that stuff where you can BS your way into a date……..by my observations in the 55+…..it is done through eye contact and face to face conversation……not texts, email, insta-dram , face-thyme,,,,,none of that there bull……but good old fashion ….putting yourself out there for humiliation!!!!

And it was just like sitting in a bar in my 20’s…you could see the women who were on the hunt and those who had brighter ideas….and the men too…..either they completely ignored the flirtatious stares or tried their best to look cool as a cucumber ….while this was entertaining….Karen and I had deviled eggs to make for Thanksgiving and couldn’t waste all night looking at 70 something mating rituals …..Im sooo glad my wife has not smothered me in my sleep ………………………………………..yet..

The eggs were required because our new friends Jane and Milhous Livingston invited us to Thanksgiving dinner…..this triggered the thought that these folks in the 55+ weren’t old! Just well seasoned!!.

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Milhous ……stomped me at golf…the guy is 73 years old…..bad back…fake knee, rebuilt shoulder, has had Botox and who knows what else…..and he beat me by 9 strokes! Right down the middle every time! Straight and true every time! And Milhouse was full of “nuggets of life” that he shared with me, antidotes…..of a life well lived…..I can only hope to emulated these two to some small degree….then I too can feel as if i have contributed………..And don’t get me started on Jane ……………

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………she looks like a movie star….what a striking woman….she must have been drinking when she teamed up with MIlhous…..and what a sense of humor these two have! These two single handily changed my mind about the residents of the 55+…….these folks were NOT old! Just aged like a good steak!

Thanksgiving Dinner !!!!…….they had just met us!!! What kind folks! Their warm and welcoming nature reminded me to try and be a nicer person going forward….and shelve the grumpy old man routine….one can try I suppose……or not

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I was full of positive energy in anticipation of our dinner with Jane and Milhous ….this was short lived after I destroyed the deviled egg mixture by inadvertently putting vanilla extract into the yolks instead of the white wine vinegar ………..its a rather long story ……but….I shouldn’t have been watching football while blindly groping around the counter for ANY container amongst the 14 ingredients strewn about there.

I raced to the local grocery in the personal scooter that everyone drives here….in search of MORE eggs! And wine vinegar !Scooters are fun!!!! But they go fast and I’m old, and reaction times have expanded with the passage of time…….and they really don’t have any storage ….and…as you might imagine… eggs in a styrofoam container on a vinyl seat……of a scooter …being driven at maximum speed by a boomer in a constant effort to revisit his youth…….is Sub-optimal .

As I careened around the first corner…a squirrel appeared outta nowhere!!.

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I swerved left then right…..and I saw a female squirrel and a nut!!.

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I had little time to contemplate if squirrel #1 was thinking about going for squirrel # 2 or nut #1????? Just about now the scooter started to tip……………..now when I say tip I mean the god #$$^%#^@ thing was going airborne AND it was trying to CARTWHEEl into some old guys yard!!!!

Luckily the tire struck the curb with what I can only categorize as holy sh*t!!!!! Force!……this caused the bumper to “contact” the concrete mailbox…..now….contact is a funny word…..and perhaps the wrong word to describe the results of hitting concrete with plastic…….a better word or phrase might be…..saaaay………… ‘it tore the shit outta the front” of the once pristine scooter……..yeah…..that’s a much more accurate way to describe it.

In and unfortunate twist the eggs went flying sometime during my one man demolition derby……as luck would have it…they smashed at the feet of the 1946 “boomer” and owner of said concrete mailbox………sending yokes and the snot like whites cascading up the legs of his starched chinos!

I quickly threw the bumper and shards of fender into the back and gunned that thing back onto the road……I could hear the guy cussing me out….GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!Thankfully his ranting quickly faded as I sped away………..Thank goodness for Jane and Milhous. ……..the high bar that they set helped average this guy back to center..

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Get out there and meet some seasoned people! Even if you are seasoned too!!!

Special thanks to Jan and Richard for a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and day!!

Being here in the land of “thank god Im not freezing my ass off” AKA Arizona has me trying to improve my horrid golf game…….success has been similar to entering Walmart hoping to see folks from this planet, suffice to say I still suck..

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.I’ve played a little course down the road called Bear Creek……mainly because its cheap and so am I. I mean why pay $60-$100 to lose crappy golf balls? I can embarrass myself for $35 -$45 and lose half as many balls!!! AND my father in-law loves the place …………….Id offer he loves it because of all the 20 something bartenders that apparently borrowed their little sisters skirts………extremely little sisters. This may explain all the ambulances flying up and down the road complete with sirens wailing at all hours…..

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.I suspect …they are on code 3 for some old fossil that stared at the bartender Monique and her “half-skirt ” for too long and that coupled with two packs of Chesterfields and 6 scotch and waters a day for 45 years….well……………it was just too much. Or he just died of old age, how the hell would I know…I cant find my golf ball half the time let alone speculate on the medical influence a tiny skirt has on old wrinkled golfers……enough talk about that….my wife reads this drivel.

My BIL Jim and I met my pals Greg ( guess he cant be that big a pal…not sure if its one G or two….hey we are guys and really don’t get too worked up about that stuff…………I think) and Dennnis from Casper….ANYWAY…we met them at a course 30 minutes south of us ….they drove an hour and 20 minutes !!! So I think we were ahead before the first tee! Anyway we were having a grand time until the 13th tee when Gregggg casually mentioned the new houses lining the fairway down the left side…..these casual utterances are ANYTHING BUT!!!!!! They are designed to get in your head!……which in my case is fairly easy as I have an Abby-normal amount of “extra” room inside my cranial cavity……….I detected a fair amount of malice in Greggggs tone….perhaps in retribution for my comment on #12 tee , as Greggg addressed his drive…”say guys is the that the I-10 freeway on the other side of that giant Trump-like wall on the left?”Greggg sneered over his shoulder at me.

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a look of ……..really….you just played that card? You are an ass!

Seconds later all four of our gazes tracked the arc of the ball as it hooked violently left….towards I-10 …..high in the cloudless arizona sky….a mammoth drive….our brains processing the data …as one…..in a millisecond …..ahhh. Shit someone muttered…the birds had stopped singing, the distant leaf blower ….the bang bang bang of a construction workers nail gun no longer heard by brains that were blocking all distractions ….we semi crouched as one in anticipation of the violent highway crash to come at any second!!!! Im sure our brains all envisioned the tragedy….a golf ball striking the windshield of an 18 wheeler hauling…..hopefully congress……I mean some poor soul. Fortunately we heard no crash as the crushed drive was apparently soooo expertly miss hit that it cleared the highway AND the target line by 300 yards! Greggg hurriedly whacked another ball right down the middle as I fantasized about some clown in a leased Volvo convertible getting his silly ass man bun scalped off his bearded noggin by a golf ball on I-10………having dreams is important.

Anyway…turnabout is fair play as they say…….after Greggg’s comment …..as I addressed the ball on #13 the houses on the left seemed to grow! Inflate! Like giant bouncy houses at a children’s birthday party! They crept into my line of sight…until they obstructed the fairway…..”this is not real my brain screamed……pay no attention”…like any weekend duffer……I don’t possess the skill to consistently strike the ball straight let alone have the mental wherewithal to block out all the crap that invades your head on a golf course….suffice to say…I yanked the tiny dimpled sphere right into some poor (or perhaps rich) bastards roof….as always happens in these situations…the drive was crushed…..with a low trajectory …..all the better to shatter the roof tiles as the ball grooves a 10′ long ditch on the once pristine structure. Anyone who has done this can relate…..you are terrified to drive forward….anticipating an angry homeowner…demanding restitution and screaming ” why did you hit my ROOF!!!!!” …..”uhh because I suck??

BIL Jim snaked the cart forward as we noticed a homeowner behind some vegetation just short of what we deduced to be the point of impact………approaching this area is similar I suspect to approaching the DMZ…..the situation can go bad OR a short benign stare down can ensue ………Jim and I looked EVERYWHERE but in the direction of the homeowner….my multiple experiences with these situations told me that “Harry homeowner” would dictate the course of any conversation………we crossed our version of the 38th parallel without incident….trying to contain my glee that no insurance information would be exchanged today…….I spied my ball just off the fairway 80 yards from the pin!!!!!! Lucky bounce off the roof!!!

I expertly duff my 2,3 and fourth shots to the green and 3 putted for a 7….not bad for a par 5!!!

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‘ Brave men and women past and present who unselfishly protect us at the 38th parallel and all across the world I mean no disrespect but have the utmost admiration for your dedication.

Ever do stupid stuff?

Ever shoot yourself in the eyeball with your water-pick ??? Well I have and that shit hurts!….You ever try and remove cactus needles from your puppies snout …….while he has a giant wiggle fit because that shit hurts only to be informed by your mate that that’s the dogs whiskers? Yeah me neither. I have a feeling that my intelligence issues are tied to my use of BVD oil…or CDB oil…..or whatever its called …I’ve been putting that stuff on my knee for a month and I’m just as stupid as I was in high school all of a sudden!!!!!

Kathy Swoboda was hot in a weird way……..Plus her name is fun to say.

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.say it with me Kathy Swoboda……heheheh….again…Kathy Swoboda

I’ve gotten off track again! Damn CDB oil!!!!

This morning I got my new hiking shoes on and then looked down to see my nice clean sock laying there…..who forgets to put their socks on first? A moron that’s who.

Ever take something apart and then 12 minutes later have no idea what goes where?

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I have….do.

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Karen was obsessing over the dirty patio door glass and did a stellar job cleaning them……..

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.you guessed itI walked right into the door…..and only a few days after laughing at Etta for bouncing off the screen!!!

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.Then I stuck my thumb on the broiler while trying to remove dinner from the oven!That shit hurts!!! Makes a funky smell too!!

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.Back to the problem of taking stuff apart and not having the vaguest idea of what part goes where………this started with our good friends car window not rolling back up. I called her to tell her the bad news AFTER I had removed the door panel and wiring and insulation and quite frankly a bunch of stuff that to me was unidentifiable….this is what happens when a moron like me reads just enough on the internet and a few YouTube videos………anyone can do this repair!!! Just watch the video and read the tutorial!!!! It’s a snap……………..during disassembly that’s the sound two of the parts Made as they became FOUR parts….SNAP!!!!!It is just irresponsible how you can find all this info on the internet…….I mean there are qualified citizens out there…ones with DYI I.Q.’s over 37 who can preform these repairs……..but who is gonna protect people like me from……myself?….we need more government regulation and oversight!!!! …..no wait

That’s not what we need……maybe what we need is a short quiz BEFORE the page opens and reveals how people like myself can take a $100 repair and turn it into a $500 repair at the dealership!!! The quiz could confirm that you are familiar with , the ever so slight differences between various tools needed for the job.

Question #1 is a table saw required for the replacement of the electric window switch in a 2000 Subaru Outback ? Y or N

Question #2 Is a welders cutting torch required? Y or N

If you fail the quiz the page wont open!!! Brilliant!!! This saves you from the embarrassment of taking a bucket of parts to the dealership and having to explain to the technician that you were 4 stories in over your head when you started taking sh*t apart and could he please fix this AND not tell your wife.

Fortunately for me, my wife tries to monitor my spending…..while talking to the dealership about the window switch……………..AND the $159 price tag ……Karen overheard and gave me the international throat slash signal for hang up the PHONE!!!! NOWWWW!!!!

After rudely hanging up on the nice man at the dealership……Karen announced that the $159 part was available on Amazon for $18.99…….I think that guy was trying to screw me!!!!!

The part arrived in record time and after breaking it and losing 3 of the 6 screws that held everything together I dropped the car off at the dealership with a ziplock baggie of parts…this’s felt much more dignified than a

In retrospect this actually works for the betterment of our economy…..Amazon made out…..UPS made out…..the dealership made out………and I………was a major player in our nations financial advancement

REMEMBER ALWAYS USE OVEN MITTS!!!!

Better yet order take out…..

Everyone is tired and disgusted about the recent subject matter regarding Etta’s personal internal combustion system,so I’ll not bring it up again………..AFTER a few brief nuggets of information.

After careful and thorough investigation I believe Ive discovered a series of seemingly unrelated events ,that while appearing random ….are sinisterly working in unison to literally destroy our baby and in some ways our COUNTRY AS WELL!!!!!

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First I caught her grandfather introducing her to MSNBC AND FOX on the boob tube!!!!!!!!……..poor baby Etta!!!and we know how that works out!!!!!

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Once your ability to exercise free and unencumbered thought is compromised , your decision making erodes faster than :

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Then Etta’s behavior changed…………..or maybe it was just normal puppy behavior….but try and not focus on that possibility

Etta ate the $150 mattress topper that we cut up to make into individual puppy mattresses …..’

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perhaps our brain is rotting for buying dogs $150 mattresses

Then she/they ate a bush

Then they knocked over a vase …….(it glued right back together Karen…..sort of)

Etta ran into the screen door like she didn’t even SEE IT!!!!!! Knocked it off the door jam and it bounced her back into the room like one of them there Shanghai acrobatic groups!There had to be a reason for all this seemingly erratic behavior!!!! And then I saw it!!!!!

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All that MCNBC and FOX watching had caused Etta to start sleeping not just with her head up her own a** but now it was up someone else’s!!!! Just like our leaders in Washington!!!!!!!!

We considered consulting a Shamanor a …….

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But Karen suggested a more conventional resource …our great friend and expert animal lover Eta!!!!! She cant catch fish for sh*t but Eta know lots of stuff about all sorts of critters. Eta suggested a rice and chicken diet to regain Etta’s strength….as all the stupidness on the news channels had started to affect her brain…Eta explained that we must build the brain back up thru good nutrition but more importantly NO MORE FOX and MSNBC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise our efforts would be for naught!!!You’ll be happy to hear that although for some inexplicable reason Etta continues to eat anything that will fit in her mouth,refuses to listen to and obey verbal and hand commands, sufferers intermittent hearing loss, periodic loss of sight and is on occasion a “little shit” she is vastly improved gastrointestinal wise.