We made it out of Steamboat as the temperatures dropped into the teens and the flurries began, we were hopeful that Etta was over the hump with her ….um …illness.

We were wrong……..VERY wrong……..we felt so bad for our poor little girl as we pulled over for the 8th time so she could try and go. I’ll say it again, parents of human children are way tougher than me……. I thought I was gonna need some kinda therapy watching Etta ………..Karen and I just wished we could fix it.

We rolled into Grand Junction….into our friends home……..who left town on us! They apparently went to the Latin American Maraca Organization (LAMO) “camp”. LAMO is apparently a widely know and respected organization that nurtures aficionados of the art of maraca playing….The intricacies of shaking a dried out gord are just about endless from what I understand. Many of the membership are well respected pillars of the community with much in common….like having mastered Dungeons And Dragons and Grand Theft Auto in their parents basement in just 5 years as they toiled away pursuing their dream of a Associate of Arts degree.

They are wonderful friends who were kind enough to give us the run of the house and let us beach the Mc5er in their front yard just like ..

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..….we no sooner got the truck doors open when Etta ran to the mailbox by the street and deposited her now “normal” pancake…..this wouldn’t have been sooo bad had the neighbor not been walking little “Bubbles” the dishrag dogThe neighbor looked slightly familiar ……maybe Bisbee Arizona last year?He came complete with a condescending smirk……..I noticed his pinky ring was adorned with the LAMO crest……wonder why he missed “camp”?

Anyway……..we found a local Brew pub with great burgers and better beer for dinner and retired early as we knew Etta would have us up every few hours throughout the night for pancake call….poor baby!!!

Grand Junction is wonderful town located in what is known as high desert ….temperatures are normally very comfortable….unless we show up with a fifth wheel full of water just dying for a chance to freeze and rupture the plumbing system….the folks in the neighborhood walking their dogs increased the next morning, and I suspect some were just walking by to check out us heathen Squatters as they didn’t even have dogs!!!

The pancakes are much easier to pick up in 17 degree weather…….and Etta had left plenty…..down side to liquified dog poo….be it fluid or frozen…is it’s hard to pick up without disturbing the homeowners landscaping efforts…..in High Desert climates….rocks are the preferred yard along with foliage that appears dead to this observer…but what do I know Ive never even played Grand Theft Auto. As you can imagine the frozen poo was much easier to police than the warmer variety ….but the rocks stuck to the platter! Each pile lead to a fairly significant reduction in our friends (perhaps former friends now) once pristine landscaping.

We mulled our options as more foul weather was forecast and decided to strike out in the am even though we got a nice invitation from the HOA people tucked under our wiper blade. They apparently wanted to “meet” with us and we figured that was Grand Junction speak for a kinda of potluck welcome to the neighborhood meet and greet thing. These High Desert folks are the true bosom of western Americana!

I felt bad about the yard as we pulled away in the darkness that next morning ….but we agreed that our friends would be so excited about their recent LAMO experience that they’d not even notice the “holes”in the yard.As we made the turn I noticed the HOA in my mirror gathering down block for our pot luck!!!!!!true salt of the earth those HOA folks!!!!

As a disclaimer almost all of this was made up…..and I was just poking fun at our wonderful friends, they didn’t really go to any camp for LA MO’s

It was a Trekkie convention

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Live long and prosper!!!

somewhere near Moab…….or? I don’t remember

We were scrambling to prep the Mc5er for our dash south as arctic temperatures approached …..and I realized that it seemed like Etta and Otis had just joined our troupe moments before and it also felt like I couldn’t remember our life without their input. The fact of the matter is they are just shy of 4 months old as we pack the RV! Karen had 23 dog toys,the collapsable kennel, the puppy chow for large breed puppies, 3 leashes each, $14 Kong toys, $23 treats to put in the Kongs, 14# of puppy snacks, 144 doggy poop bags,14 books on how to survive raising a puppy without shooting yourself or the puppy , puppy shampoo,puppy conditioner, puppy foo foo spray, 17 more dog toys , Puppy repellent spray to repel the puppies from chewing on the furniture or whatever you just discovered they already destroyed ….in retrospect the bottle should have instructed you to spray it on EVERYTHING you own that you don’t want them to destroy one mouthful at a time BEFORE you bring them home….what a ripoff.

We departed Casper on the 25th of October with the pups in the doggy hammock in the back seat….They cavorted and chewed on one another for hours at a time and then just collapsed and slept like someone hit a switch….and then suddenly Etta would signal their awakening with her version of a Pterodactyls primal scream……Maybe Pterodactyls could’t make any noise….I don’t know …but that’s what Im claiming it sounds like. I suppose its more of a yawn on steroids but this is my blog….so.

We were just outside Steamboat when Karen said “did you fart?”…I guess after 17 years of marriage that’s a legal question……It was apparent that someone in the backseat had eaten one too many rocks or shoes or legs off of furniture or grasshoppers or the island in the Mc5er or socks or underwear or a plastic water bottle or the end off the garden hose or a dead bird,mouse,chipmunk etc and it was not agreeing with them. In a futile effort to bring happiness to our olfactory nerves I cracked the rear window….this produced a multiplying effect to the stench …..not what I was going for……..Karen : “ETTA”! Kelly: “what..what”? Karen: “Etta’s got the scoots” I desperately scan the windshield for an wide enough spot to pull off the road as our newly minted doo doo wagon raced down the highway, Otis somehow weaseled his way under the hammock in an effort to escape the tapioca textured pile. Etta stared back at me in the rear view mirror……..her expression saying ” Looks like someone crapped back here,…….sucks to be you” You might wanna get this picked up before my bro and I roll in it….and get it EVERYWHERE!!!!

WE careened off the road as the 13,000# fifth wheel felt like it went airborne momentarily…..skidding to a stop on the gravel shoulder like a extremely overweight Dukes Of Hazard General Lee. Karen and I bailed out of the truck like we were making a tactical strike…peeling open the back doors in unison to reveal THIS!!!!!*

And two puppies gleefully bouncing to and fro in and effort to avoid our grasp “its a game dad! You cant catch us!”

“Karen get me the POOP BAGS!!!!!!! ‘ I scramble for my gloves!!! Etta and Otis dance just out of our grasp as I try and contain the tapioca before….CRAP!!!! I felt flecks hit my arm.!!!! and airborne particles of poo in my peripheral vision !!! OTIS!!!! Stop wagging your tail!!!!! How the hell did he get it on his tail!!!! Fortunately at this moment we were blessed with Etta stepping in “it” and then doing some sort of snowboarders halfpipe move across the back of the truck seat right into Karens arms! After some dry heave clean up of the truck…Karen ..Kelly…Eta and Otis…it was decided that we need to travel with paper towels and that stuff that the janitor would sprinkle on vomit in the hall that would cause the rest of us to puke once the odor drifted into the class room……or …..maybe not. Crap, traveling with puppies is hard….how in the world do people with babies survive?

We arrived at our good friend Jeff’s house shortly after …I with a serious case of the Red Ass after the “shit show”. ……was that the mature attitude? No…….Karen was a much better sport and adult than I……..anyway, after Karen plied me with a drink……I healed up real quick. It was great to see Jeff and Drake even if we had to leave the next day as 4-8 inches of snow was on the way…..Biggest thanks goes to Drake for kicking the shit out of Otis….even if it was only a minor snap/bite…..Otis ran off yelping, high stepping like Archie Giffin in 1975 (google it)

I’ve never seen a dogs tail tucked up under himself so far that the tail was on his chin…..poor guy walked a 100 yard perimeter for 15 minutes after that….He finally slinked in and was most respectful of Drake from there on out…….The event was not missed by Etta…..she is a sharp cookie….even though she help antagonize Drake…she was a background player….she let Otis find out what’s what….she all but set him up. But she learned tooI hope….

Being animal lovers for Karen and I is a joy and a curse all at the same time, we especially love dogs……who start out in a non conventional form called “puppies “. In an effort to assure the continuation of the species the powers of the cosmos made puppies, EXTREMELY cute……… the cuteness is meant to cloak or distract from puppies true purpose………..the task of separating you from your will to live. As harsh as that may sound….its the truth of the matter. Puppies unlike baby hamsters or kittens or ponies……….have the unique mental ability at a very early age to discern the difference between a dog toy and ……say ……a $125 pair of shoes….or worst yet a pair of shoes that fits perfectly and your only pair of shoes that doesn’t make your feet hurt. Along with this almost clairvoyant trait is the physical quickness and agility to shred and partially consume almost anything that fits in their mouth at a speed that rivals a politician saying something stupid.

Combining the task of surviving Mc5er * travel and raising puppies in tandem is. ….in retrospect………a sign of some mental deficiency. Unfortunately like most poorly thought out decisions Ive been party to over the years , the folly is not truly recognized until “that ship has sailed”.

Karen and I lost our beloved Gus just before striking out on our 5 month MC5er adventure last fall and we were devastated that he would not be there to share it with us

So….in a moment of weakness we decided we were ready for a new “child” ,after multiple visits to a local breeder we narrowed it down to 3 different males! Karen and I were 4th in line to pick so we felt we had a great shot at one of the three . We had vowed to get a brown or off cream colored pup in an effort to not pick out “Gus Jr.”. This was working perfectly until our second visit and a pudgy little stark white pup kept following me………he had a shock of white hair…sticking straight up like the PM of Great Britain!! He kept tripping over his big feet! He kept staring at me….his tongue lolling out of his face like the worlds cutest ham slice……sparking eyes……and he kept FOLLOWING ME! I did my best to ignore him……after all….Karen and I agreed!!…a darker…non Gus colored dog…..we had discussed and agreed to it!!!!, apparently nobody clued in Boris Johnson Jr……AKA pudgy

Once in the truck after our third visit to the breeders……I was ambushed by Karen…..

“I saw it” ……like any husband…my mind SCREAMED! …what? What Did she see? Was my fly down? Was I wearing plaid shorts with todays horizontal striped shirt again? No……..I had my vertical striped shorts on today!……..why must they be so vague…….I’m a man for Christ sake!…….we are not that sharp……we are the epitome of the “shallow end of the pool”!!!!!!!!! Like any husband I resigned myself to looking/sounding like an idiot as I replied in a forlorn, defeated voice ” what? What have I done now?” “I saw you looking at him” I recognized defeat……..its a common companion…..and didn’t bother with the standard line/lie “who?what?where?……..Karen replied ” the little fat,white colored Boris Johnson looking pup” In an pleading eight years old voice I blurted. “He was following ME!!!!!!” Karen whipped out the standard “I thought we agreed ?“retort …..accompanied by the required semi frown and ever so slight head shake. In and an almost inaudible voice I muttered “he started it”

Karen was right….I needed to distance myself from Boris.

On our next visit we found that ALL three of our boy choices had been picked!!!!!!! Oh the humanity!!!!!” As fate would have it a female had taken a shine to us …..a tiny little red/reddish coffee looking girl…..oh my….was/is she cute…..such a cute lovely little face!!!! I thought that settles that,Im off the hook with Boris…..Then I heard Karen ask the breeder….in a whisper of a voice ” what kind of discount would we get for two?”

Jesus H Christ!!!! TWO! TO! TOO!!!! Has she lost her mind ????……Two would be kinda cool???? After very little dickering….and a small 401 k withdrawal …we stumbled to the truck with Boris AKA Otis and Etta (James)….Half way to the house my feeble brain screamed “how the hell are we gonna raise two pups in a 32′ fifth wheel?????” Well…its only August 26th so we have roughly 60 days to get everyone all knowed up! Holy crap! What have we done?

To be continued

* The Mc5er is our fifth wheel

“Come to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs” I should have been concerned when Pat (AKA Dunk) started his pitch for a fishing adventure quoting John Mc Clane

I was praying Hans Gruber was not our guide!you miss a fish…and…….Hans takes your ass out!!

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My good buddy , then “guilted” me into another fishing trip to Ontario…..” you’re

not getting any younger McGoweee**** “people your age drop dead all the time”

thanks Pat

After Pat spun a tale about how cheap this was gonna be….”its so cheap it would be a crime to not go”after the $42 lunch in the Denver airport and the $117 dinner at the Kenora Brewery I was starting to wonder if Pat might have misrepresented the monetary outlay required for this “It’s a trip of a lifetime McGoweee”!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For reasons unknown to me , Pat really struggles with math on these trips…….seems strange to me that a CFO would have trouble tallying up even a ballpark budget….in Pat’s defense I incurred some self inflicted expenses….like the $17 Bloody Mary……..”hey I’m on vacation “!

Then there is the $30 biography on Eric Clapton ………”I’ll read on the porch”…….I didn’t read at all on the porch…..never even took the book out of the backpack…….It’s still in my back pack

The $60 of chocolates I bought in the Denver airport…….the thought was these would be for the owner ,Kayla a wonderful young woman……..who doesn’t really need or want chocolate……because Pat and I needed it more!!

We stayed up and scarfed them all down the first night, well except for the ones Pat took a bite out of and then returned them to the box like an 8 year old……being liquored up on vanilla Crown Royal……..makes for poor dietary decisions…….well any kind of decisions……now that I think about it

Pat and I enjoyed our 4th trip to this lodge in the Great White North as the fishing is remarkable, cabins well appointed, food is 4 star and the staff fantastic.

I always enjoy meeting the other folks/ guests…… Maryjo and LeRoy from Bar harbor Maine for example….they expertly navigated the stairs/ladder on the floatplane (unlike me)…..looking like fifty year olds with their own joints….not the 77 year olds they are . Maryjo and LeRoy walked the dock arm in arm like I imagine they did 20 some years ago on their first trip to Maynard Lake Lodge!

Also arriving was a guy who called himself Cutty ….not sure what his story was…….well I take that back……I do know his story……Cutty likes to recount his multiple knee replacement surgeries……a lot…….like EVERY time you saw him…..the first day on the dock……that evening at dinner…..the next morning on the dock!!

It was like, he forgot he told you the stories…….”l’m in a class action law suit over these titanium replacement knees…………it snapped in half!!!!! I’m walking along and BOOM! Like a gun going off!! And I hit the ground just like that!!”…..in Cutty’s defense his story never changed……of course if you recite your lines 3-400 times and I guess you get it down pat. In Cuttys defense most of the guest are older……and surgery is a popular subject…..I’m guilty!!! And meeting all the other guest is always…interesting .

Dunk and I had our own problems with story telling as we recounted the 230 bass we caught at aptly named Bass lake LAST year……we basked in the glow of our celebrity as the first year guides hunted us down as we sashayed up the ramp like movie stars on Entertainment Tonight …….all the new guides wanted to confirm that the legend was true……yes……..we did catch 230 bass in one day! We did not, however, recount the part where Dunk caught 120 of the fish , I caught 10 and our guide “Big Log Larry” caught 100…………just a pesky detail that the masses need not be privy to.

This year started a bit slow until Dunk exclaimed ” I got a big one McGoweeeeeeee!!!

After Dunk announced to all the boats within 700 yards” He’s in my backing!!” Larry and I did the required eye roll to each other……..Larry and I had seen this show before with none other than Dunk in the starring role“Pat remarked ” well he had a lot of heart” as he reeled the 7″ fish across the surface of the lake….

Shortly after the mood was much improved after Pat landed a true big’nwe headed for better water with guide Larry …..well……..guiding it promptly produced a “double” …….this is when both fisherman hookup at the same time

Larry expertly snapped a photo….complete with an angle that makes me look fat! This will be reflected in the tip!……

Pat and I were embarrassed to realize that we did not have fish on….but rather rocks….but at least they were large rocks……..Larry then expertly got our double snag undone…..it sorta felt like a fish……………..well it did!!

Each night after a glorious dinner, cocktails and endless embellished fish tales we retired to the deck and the glass like lake…….unfortunately we were joined by some foul skunk…….or perhaps two……maybe this was mating season…..I don’t recall this stench from last year…….but we are in the Great White North

On the third morning I complained to Dunk that I awoke with that same fog again! Dunk admitted to a similar almost hangover like feeling/fog……I did the math……and our old asses where in bed by 8:30 – 9 o’clock every night……no way this was a hangover…………………so I mulled it over all that next day ………and deducted that the skunks were not skunks………..someone was smokin the newly legalized WEED !!!

That evening I snuck up on Maryjo and LeRoy’s deck after vittles………..Maryjo was puffing away at a “fatty” the size of a Marlboro!! Maryjo is like 70-80 years old!!

LeRoy was near comatose in the deck chair muttering over and over “weed” and then giggling ……..he’d hold his hands over his head….like he had a neon sign over his head flashing the word weed………….Weed,giggle,weed,giggle, giggle.Over and over he mumbled Maybe they were smoking LSD……..I don’t think you can smoke LSD…….I’ll have to google that……….anyway these two were on a “trip that never left the farm”!!!

Then Maryjo saw me peering under the handrail………” hey you want some ?? ” I wasn’t sure if she was hitting on me or askin if I wanted a toke……but it frightened me…..a lot…I ran stumbling through the timber like some chick in a slasher movie….tripping on roots…bouncing off trees……turning in terror to see if Maryjo was on my heels!!!!….to my relief I could hear Maryjo propositioning LeRoy!! WEED was all he said in reply…….and giggled…..Weed heeeeheeeeeheee

Once safely inside the cabin, I ate all my “old people medication “and guzzled some Metamucil…….and Retired for the night……with thoughts of big bass and giant walleye trying in earnest to block out images of Maryjo…..AHHHHHHHHHHH!**

* not sure why Duncan calls me McGoweeeee

** not a real picture of Maryjo

Special thanks to the owners and staff of Maynard Lake Lodge for a wonderful trip and hopefully their understanding that I sometimes take artistic license with reality…..err…actual events……..in other words I make shit up.

We left our beloved Wyoming December 4th and returned in hopes of better weather April 29th! Well here we are…MAY……THATS RIGHT MAY..May the 22nd to be exact…. and this is what our beloved Wyoming gives us..I can only assume that the boneheads in Washington or Minute man oil change in Rockport Texas are in control of our weather….because…this is BS!!!!! And only idiots would think snow/rain/wind/hail was a good option for ALMOST JUNE weather!

I’m not too bright either as I skipped the Y this morning….because it’s nasty out there, well after 12 cups of coffee I was feeling guilty enough to walk the Four blocks!!!! to Albertsons….gotta get your steps in……even if it’s only 437 steps round trip. So let’s see…..I could have driven to the nice warm Y…in a warm car…….and watched 20 something women in yoga pants obsess over their 2% body fat or….. I can walk what felt like the equivalent of walking to Pathfinder reservoir in the snow,complete with tree branches that overhang the sidewalk in gleeful anticipation of depositing globs of snow down you neck……….yep…….I’m a dumb assI was fortunate enough to start my journey just as the high schoolers headed to CY….

I apparently was too busy being Spicoli in high school to ever consider “hunting” retired bastards trying to get their steps in I hate high schoolers! Bastards!

The little SOB’S profiled me! ” look for the old guy Tristen” ” I know Jordan…I know ” is what they said…as they drove along….unaware that their stoner parents…who named them after crappy Brad Pitt characters from shitty movies,or famous Basketball players because they didn’t want little JR. to be singled out for having a unique name like a Frank or John…….they should have a name like everyone else, so it would be easier to engrave the participation medals! NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!

Anyway……… I sometimes get off track………..those of you who are new to my inane ramblings……..won’t ever get use to it so……..just….forget it…or move on….go listen to Suzy Orman pod casts till you wanna lay down in traffic……or something else trendy……As I was sayin…”anyway ”

So now I’m wetter than when I got out of the shower this morning thanks to those little SOB’s in mommy’s Volvo ……who the hell has a Volvo in Casper Wyoming? This is Casper! Not Denver! Spoken by a guy who can’t afford a Volvo,I suppose….realizing they are rich (or more likely , have good credit)……makes me loath the entire age group even further,!!…I drove a 1972 station wagon I had to buy from Dad for $750 !!,that had a bad tranny from all my brothers doing neutral slams in it!!! Did I mention the ingrates are little bastards?

I get to Pathfinder…I mean Albertsons And between the rain snow sleet and puddle ambush……I’m dripping……most people would be crabby……unfortunately…crabby is my normal demeanor….so I’m in crabby on steroids crabby mode……this doesn’t bode well for the two 16 year old girls yucking it up behind the Starbucks counter…….I can only speculate that Tristen and Jordan sent a “snap chap” to Destiny and Jordan so the girls would be on the lookout for some fossil who looked like he just climbed out of the North Platte River.

I’m standing in my own personal wading puddle watching these two totally ignore me……they are to be commended………expertly done……I stomped off in disgust……in futile hope that they’d notice…..and have a epiphany on customer service……it was immediately and clearly evident that……..I know nothing ….Destiny and Jordan continued on chatting it up like they were leaning on their lockers wait for the third period bell.

I figured I’d stop at Wendy’s across the street and get cheaper coffee from people in my own age group! People who cared about doing their job! I was wrong, most of those poor folks are 65- 80…….disheartened by their lot in life…forced to work a crappy job,servicing crabby bastards like me and self important teenagers…..it was my turn to have an epiphany……..what did I have to complain about? I wasn’t having to work a low paying job just so I could eat Ramon….perhaps these older folks had lost their spouse….now forced to rejoin the workforce…just to survive…all alone. And the self absorbed teenagers……..didn’t I remember the horror of high school? “Did Mary Jo like me”? Would I get stuffed in my locker again Monday by the senior who will go on to be a abuser of women? Will anyone notice the giant zit forming on my forehead like a third eye? Will I be able to pass the trig test Tuesday?

And poor Clyde the Wendy’s counter guy….maybe he lost his beloved wife? I don’t know…that’s just it…I don’t know…so I should try and consider others.

I hoped to remember all this as I trudged home with my bulging backpack,complete with one gallon of milk that weighed 87 pounds….

heyheyhey……stop complaining……the thought rang in my noggin as I tripped on the sidewalk crack…..propelled forward…arms flailing in an attempt to avoid a “Zuckerberg ” ….just then Its the Volvo!! Tristen hanging out of the window, Jordan at the wheel……a howl of laughter booming from his still flat diaphragm ” hey old man watch out for that crack!” “Hahahaha!!”” What a geezer”!!!

I tried to remember that perhaps Tristen has issues beyond a goofy name and struggles too and truly hoped he saw a wave from me….and not the finger that I proudly gave.

Try and attain a greater level of success than I did today….remembering that all our fellow men and women..all the boys and girls have inner demons at worst and real fears at best….

Kiss your spouse…pet the dog…..call your Mom for a lunch date….be nice to the crabby old guy down the street……..even if he can’t remember why he’s crabby, you never know, maybe he’s short on beer money….that would make anyone crabby.

Most if not all of my numerous followers……………..well……both of you, know that I’m not too keen on hiking. I loath it, I’d rather have indigestion than go on a hike .

But!

The Valley Of Fire is Absolutely incredible! I know people say that all the time about stuff.

It was fabulous!

It was the most moving experience ever!

It was almost a religious experience!

And we all go “yeah right”

Well Valley of Fire is all that and a bag of chips! So piss off.

We also visited Bryce Canyon and it is breathtaking as well! We went to Zion National Park too, Zion is another example of the wonders of nature…..totally worth a visit, but unfortunately Zion suffers from her own fame and is quite busy/crowded…….even when it’s what the rangers and workers call “dead”

VOF was 97 degrees on Saturday!

Shade is important, especially after hiking over 150 yards!

On Monday near Bryce Canyon we got 34 degrees!WTH!

natural bridge!one day we saw Morrison!!

alright maybe it was just a “regular lizard”

At VOF I wanted to climb this huge rock/hill/thing we were camping near, but it was tall……..and I didn’t wanna have to change shoes……and I was drinking beer……and Karen said “No! You’ll fall and break your neck”…….but mostly….I’m too lazy.

So I did what most lazy people do, I paid a teenager in the next camp spot to crawl up there while wearing my hat so I could take a picture of myself. The little bugger demanded $5! I figured what the hell, I get to lay in the hammock in the shade drinking beer!

Unfortunately that’s a combination that puts old fat guys to sleep……….crap! I awoke to junior standing over me with a sneer demanding his fiver! When I told junior that I nodded off and never got the picture …he said “not my problem gramps, fork over the five bucks….and here’s your old codger hat” ! He tossed the hat into my FACE! Why the little ingrate! Didn’t he know that I’m his elder? It would appear that Junior never got that memo

I sprung to my feet……..alright,maybe I rolled out of the hammock onto the dirt and grabbed his left wrist to help pull my fat ass upright.

Kid: alright already gramps…..give me the fiver or I’ll tell my dad

While applying a vise like grip to his left wrist…….alright…….maybe not vise like,but I’m sure it was firm…..just as my abs were in the 70’s….then………my right hand shot out like:.

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and I had his left nipple in a 100% on target titty twister! He gave yelp,and I reduced the pressure……..but held him in the “tap out”hold

As I glanced over his left shoulder I could see his dad expertly dropping tonight’s burgers tru the grill onto the grey coals…….he had bigger problems than worrying about a fellow fossil like me

Me: this is how it’s gonna be kid, your gonna march your scrawny ass back up that hill and wait for my signal

I gave a slight twist of juniors nip to make sure he got the message,and bounced the hat off his face.in the end I gave junior $20……… because back in my day…if I was him…I woulda snuck in under The cover of darkness and let the air outta his tires if he gave me a titty twister and screwed me outta my money.

In this day and age I suppose I can look forward to a call in 30 years from a lawyer and the media informing me that junior was never able to overcome the trauma of the TT…..and he just remembered it happen…….after 30 years….after he saw the guy on the news who got 300 million because he got a snuggie in gym class in 1969.

anyway

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Get out there and explore………there is a big wonderful world beyond our own backyard………watch out for lizards…..and the much more dangerous creature

Teenagers!

We arrived at Lake Mead Boulder Beach campground at 10:30 ish only to Be told its 9:30 ish!!! Time changes are like Minut Man Oil in Rockport Tx and hiking….BS!

The time zone thing has been more of a annoyance than I imagined…..on a normal 1-2 week trip , you fly to Mexico or wherever,change your watch and your done…..this has been strange as you are doing this more frequently than normal and you got watches and phones and atomic clocks that just start spinning like you are on a Twilight Zone episode………sometimes,they’ll spin back the other way moments later……this is especially disturbing and confusing if you are waist deep in happy hour.

I suppose if that’s all I got to snivel about I’m doing good.

That said….my life is perfect…….Compared to others……While on a little bike ride thru the Lake Mead campground…..when I say little….I mean little…300 – 400 yards tops! I mean your beer is empty by then,!! While on one of my “rides” through the campground…which all look the same…..but the people are always different and that’s worth the pedal……You have meatheads in wife beaters swilling crappy beer,barking at their kids…and also fathers creating a memory for their whole family……ya also got everything and every age in between, VERY EXPENSIVE RIGSto more modest rigs

As I tried to sip my beer AND NOT crash while going 3MPH , I heard an almost primal scream followed by frantic gibberish…….I tuned in my hearing aids…….” Frank, oh Jesus Christ Frank! NOT AGAIN!” I looked in the direction of the voices and saw camper after camper……from multiple campsites…Turning…..as one…….looking…….it was like a ripple in a pond. As the closest campers turned to look…..then graduated to understanding what Frank did…the mothers gathered children ……..and the next radius of campers outwards repeated the turn,the look, the gathering and the gasp of horror. At that moment a unmistakable odor washed thru the trees like a sewage tsunami…….holly shit!! Frank dumped his black water!

I could hear the not so sympathetic admonishments being bellowed by the wife”No Frank no….not in the camper!!……go to the campground toilets!! The little woman didn’t want old Frankie boy going in the camper covered in poop!! Frank looked at the camper………sooooo close……and the outhouse……..guarded by once happy families of campers….and also 100 yards away!! Frank steeled himself to the task at hand, the little woman had declared the camper off limits to anyone named Frank who also happened to be covered in poop and toilet paper….Frank started to walk then trot

Then run

Then sprint.

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As the campers moved gear and grills and camp chairs in an frantic effort to get Frank the hell outta their campsite and into the next poor group. I could make out Frank, crashing through

Camps and underbrush………and then Frank could take it no longer

He started to strip

Yes strip

Frank had to be 150# overweight

Mothers covered their children’s eyes

As Frank tumbled through one of those see thru play pens…….crushing the supports and covering the padded interior with……..well you know…..Poop!………..they’ll have to burn that thing.

Frank did a nice barrel roll thru the playpen

And emerged shirtless.

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.the poo covered shirt landed with a splat on some poor unfortunate bastards grill.

Mothers hugged their children tight and turned as one ,away from the carnage……

Unable to watch anymore I peddled the long 300 yards home.

The next morning…Frank and his wife and rig were gone, most all of the park campsites near Franks were abandoned……..the two State Park employees didn’t seem fazed as they held tight to the hose affixed to the hydrant……trying to dilute the giant “brown” zone……….I’d recommend not camping in the NW end of the Boulder Beach campground until after the rainy season..

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Special thanks to my cousin and my dear aunt Mary who inspired this tale of woe.Karen and I were lucky enough to have lunch in Henderson where these two, who recounted a true story of someone they know who pulled a Frank.

It was great to reconnect with these wonderful people after 40+ years,they/we are older but their wonderful smiles and heartfelt laughter was just as pleasing to the eyes and ears as when I was a young boy.

Reach out today,to a relative , or old friend……..rekindle the relationship/ friendship

How cool would that be??

ps I love the Stooges , Green Acres and The Beverly Hillbillies to name just a few.

17 years ago………

our forefathers……

Ok… 17 years ago I got very lucky……….not that kinda lucky………well

Maybe a little like that………..never mind……uh

Anyway 17 years ago Karen and I eloped to Mexico……I like to think it was my idea but everyone who knows Karen and I ,would attest that I was just a bystander who was swept up in the whirlwind…that is Karen’s planing.

Lucky me……I’d still be on the couch trying to find Sports Center “lf not for you”.this is yet another example of my ineptitude….I couldn’t figure out how to cut and paste Dylan’s Love song without Karen help…so I had to take a picture”…………but the message is….without Karen, I’d be sad and blue……..

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17 years is the furniture gift………we don’t have room for furniture…..so I got got Karen somecoasters..”…………………..”………….outta the drawer….coasters are kinda like furniture ”

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.we are on a fixed income for gosh sakes!!

Go buy your honey a snickers! Or something

tell her/him….how great they are.

I love Karen

My brother Pat is always saying…”be happy” he’s right! It’s up to us to be happy!

We get to decide! How frickin cool is that??.Believe it or not this is Lucy’s happy face! Lucy is a sweet little Boston Terrier mix who believes she is a Great Dane!

Dogs are great! They are almost always happy!PearlCherokee Broncsbe happy! Go fishing!Fish with the unibomber!Dance! Be silly! Dress up! Laugh !sing!!!Our time is not forever…enjoy it and one another

Don’t be sadwork on your Happy!Go on a trip with your honey!have an Easter Egg hunt! Even if you’re 50!golf!stare at the sun!!explore!go to Sams and pick up a pallet of Reese’s!!do what ya want! But work hard on making others happy…it’s contagious

Get your happy on!!

*** ALL PICTURES USED WITHOUT PERMISSION

Dogs noses are cool*

We were joined by our good friends Vickie and Jethro……I mean Jeffand Jim and Judy were still hanging with us

While Jethro….urr…Jeff and I were surveying the canyon below our Rimrock perch swilling beer / bourbon in lawn chairs when we noticed a object tangled in the rocks and STICKERS below. Jeff grabbed the binoculars…or far lookers as my good friend Danny Clark calls them…….now before all you snowflakes say ” I’ve always called them far lookers”……I heard it from Danny first…..so get over it**

A quick far looker scan revealed ………A mangled Tent!!!!

Jeff ….who to hear him tell it…is college educated……….. started to babble about a recovery operation…………..uhhh……….hola!! (Hello) it’s straight down!!! Are we gonna repel down??Jeff looked at me like I was some kinda simpleton***

then Jeff said:****

“we’re gonna walk around silly, I just need to cypher on it a spell”

*****

(Houston we have a problem)

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After much discussion, I commented that our location was similar to

******

and there Is no way “around”

Barton and Jeff decided that we should head east

*******

in search of a way into the canyon and the holy grail…….the TENT!

Instead of sugarplum fairies I dreamt of dead bodies in the tent********

……wouldn’t it be cool to find DB Cooper or something?*********

after walking well well, well past where we thought we could easily walk into the canyon….we surrendered……

We arrived at the road where the creek entered the canyon….walking into it ,we were in awe as the walls climbed quickly……..blocking out the sunny day….aided by the trees that somehow thrived. Many trees were in the creek……normal I suppose for a place where water comes and goes very swiftly. It was a different landscape for a Wyoming boy….the canyon widened and choked and widened again…what was cool was the evidence of the past Flood…..or perhaps it’s called normal run off here.

What I found different was a stream that wasn’t streaming….just pools of stagnate water…yet at some point it flowed 100 yards wide and deposited stuff 6 feet up the trees!.

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*************

I just threw her in there to make sure I hadn’t put you to sleep yet.

We only made a few hundred yards before realizing it was too tough and far to go this way to the “tent”. After a group discussion about the impending arrival of happy hour….and our not being anywhere near the booze…..it was decided to make way for camp.

after a fine dinner made by JudyJeff and Barton announced we should head west

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I wish they’d make up their mind!we set out early in the day and were embarrassed to find a VERY easy way into the canyon from the west that was not 200 feet from our fire pit …..duh!!

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there didn’t seem to be any game trails that we could find,this led to a lot of back tracking as we were repelled by cactus and my arch nemesis the STICKER BUSH!!

I don’t know the real name of the bush beyond “you bastard”. I swear they reach out and grab your clothes, always making sure to take some hide too…..bastards.

The creek bed was cool as Barton and I kept an eye out for the Lost Treasure Of The Serra Madre……….we never found any treasure……we did note that every rock you stepped on moved or rolled completely in an effort to snap your ankle off like Joe Thiesmans leg…..so we did have that.

Jeff and I not so silently jockeyed for position …….”go ahead Jeff” “nah,you go ahead Kelly” as we both saw imagined , 4 foot rattle snakes under every rock. After considerable huffing and puffing we came to moment of truth……Jeff and I declared Barton the leader of the expedition! Thus he should have the honor of unwrapping the tent and. be devoured by a den of hundreds of rattle snakes ….being the first to lay eyes on our corpse and or gold bars. Barton was cagey enough to poke the shredded tent with the mangled poles that were scattered about…….no body ………no treasures……what a bunch of crap!

Jeff secured the tent to the rope he and Barton fashioned out of local materials…….

not really…..they got it out of their campers….

Jeff and I suddenly realized we had to climb outta here!! We had a conversation about climbing the rope……….after 3 seconds of Jeff looking at my belly and I at his…….we trudged off in the direction we came……..have I ever mentioned this hiking is BS?

To our credit Jeff and I shave 300 yards off the “walk around” by doing the old fat guy shuffle up a fairly easy cliff face…….well not really a cliff…..more of an incline….with rocks. As we pulled and pushed one another over the precipice…collapsing in the red dirt…our spittle pooling and our raspy breath swirling the dirt back into our faces…..we looked up, and see a boot, not 3 feet from our faces…..there sat some Marlin Perkins looking dude…..complete with safari hat…..in a lawn chair swishing a Chardonnay around his long stemmed glass.!,! He looked at us quizzically and announced “the trail is right there fellows”…..following his gaze…..sure enough…the trail…..it was so flat and easy…it looked like the people mover escalator at DIA…….son of a ……………… we dusted ourselves off and slinked out of Marlin’s camp siteJeff and I pulled the rope and tent up before Cherokee and Barton made it back to camp…..and were greeted as triumphant mountaineers by our lovely wives!Karen And Vickie showered us with praise as they stealthily steered us towards their true agenda …………we needed to make their drinks……..so no treasures…no cadavers…….plenty of cactus scratches…….but at least no snake bites!!

special thanks to My good friend Jeff for making sure we made it back alive……he’s a sharp dude!

Check out the Camp Verde area! It’s cool, and beautiful!

Who knows…maybe you’ll find BD right under your nose.

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* Cherokee’s nose, used by permission

** Tom Hanks as Forest Gump

***a Simpleton??.

**** Jethro Bodine Double Naught Spy!! International Playboy AND Brain Surgeon

***** Jeff ” Jethro” Bates

****** Devils Tower, Close Encounters

******* Head East

******** Stand By Me Cast

********* BD Cooper sketch

********** Sharon Stone!!!,!,!’!’!

*********** The Band , Head West

************ Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber